I'm a Dad, Seperating From My Wife...

gratefulforhelp_2

Lara44 wrote: »

This is going to seem like a strange comment, but did you watch Educating Essex on TV last night? There was a classic case of a teenager going off the rails because his parents had separated and his Dad had a new family. It's nowhere near your situation OP, because your kids are so much smaller, but it is a very interesting insight into how much a deterioration at home can affect children. You are making a new family with your new girlfriend so you need to be aware of the balance between both families and strike the right balance.

Its a great programme, and it was so sad.

GobbledyGook

From the other side - I was the wife who was cheated on with two youngsters, and unknown at the time, pregnant.

Time is the biggest thing you need. My ex and I have recently become good friends again, but in the beginning it was a nightmare.

My tips - be honest, be realistic (don't say I'll pay all of the bills forever if realistically you can't), be flexible (I'm not saying it should all be her way, but she will be very hurt) and make sure you don't allow your new girlfriend to become more of a priority than your children.

Pick your battles wisely and don't make rash commitments. If you do introduce the girlfriend then at least do your ex the respect of not playing happy families with photos on Facebook and the likes until she's got her head around it all.

j.e.j.

princessdreamer wrote: »

j.e.j think that saying lives inside my exs girlfriends head, she is terrified of him being near me. What she needs to worry about is every other woman he meets not me I moved on.:)

absolutely, I take the saying to mean he'll move on to find another (as in a new) mistress, LOL

Aberdeenangarse

Unfortunately by baring your soul on this Forum you automatically became subject of a witch hunt, from people who know little about your personal circumstances apart from what you've posted here, most would have you publicly flogged!

It's going to be difficult for you to pick up the pieces, but pick them up you must. You've said you'll continue to support your ex financially, as you have been doing, which many wouldn't in these circumstances. I'd make sure your new girlfriend keeps her distance from the children, she's never going to be a second mother to them, so she can forget that. You may also find the strain of your current situation will end up breaking your new relationship, as you'll find she may well become jealous of the fact you haven't got much money left and your children become a greater priority than her.

findingmyownway

Are you living with the new woman? Are the kids staying overnight with you (her)?

I agree its unrealistic to promise your wife you will pay 'everything' - even if you mean this to be only until the kids are grown up, thats 16 years which is a crazy amount of time to pay for 2 homes (and im sure she won't even want to be beholden to you for a moment longer than necessary!)

So...

1 - Go to the CSA website and work out how much they would expect you to pay (rough figure is 20% net wage/month for 2 kids)

2 - Think about if your wife is able to earn her own decent living. Does she work now? Is she educated to a similar standard as you? Has she given up a good career to have your children? Has she moved around the country for your work and given up on training opportunities herself? Do you want her to work (and thus the kids in childcare)? The answers to these questions may help you decide if you want to offer additional payment above the CSA minimum.

3 - Are the utility bills in your name? If so, pay them all up to date and then transfer them to hers. Its her house now, she deserves control over such matters.

4 - Short term view on house - Is the house mortgaged? Was the loan based on your salary? If so, it is unrealistic to expect her to be able to pay it alone.

5 - Long term view on house - are you going to buy her out? let her buy you out? agree to share the property until kids 18 etc.

6 - Taking into account all of the above, agree a set monthly amount with her and set up a standing order to cover it. This of course is a short term solution, but divorce usually takes at least 6 months and so you may as well get an interim situation sorted so you can both know where you stand.

You havent answered questions on how your new gf feels about all this. I fear that speaks volumes!

make_me_wise

Rockporkchop wrote: »

It's a crying shame that you couldn't just have devoted the past few years to being an amazing husband and father and realised that your time would come again. Presumably your wife gave you nine years of her undivided attention before she gave you the blessing of your children, and the all consuming part when they are little is really not long in the scale of things.

You are a pitiful excuse for a man and your wife is better off without you.

If only life were really that black and white. Things are never that clear cut.

princessdreamer

make_me_wise wrote: »

If only life were really that black and white. Things are never that clear cut.

you know something often it is:p

NiallB

Rockporkchop wrote: »

You are a pitiful excuse for a man and your wife is better off without you.

Wow.

Mumsnet is that way ---->

*ducks*

vroombroom

I'm always drawn to these threads as my dad had an affair and it destroyed mine, my mum's and my brother's lives. 11 years on, we are still struggling to cope with the debt and lies he told.

If I were you, I would kick the bit on the side to the curb (cos as exciting and new as it is now, it won't be when you move in, trust me ), then I would try and find the girl you fell in love with. Remember her? The one you married and had two kids with? Cos aside from the housework, the kids and the job, I bet she's still there if you looked hard enough.

deb68_2

Private_and_Confidential wrote: »

Thanks clearingout - kind of the response I was expecting really. I hope I can answer in the tone intended (i.e. please don't think I'm being bolshy).

I've messed her around lots, going back and forth, so she's not happy at all but I'm hopeful she'll forgive. She's a strong person and I know she'll get through this.

From a financial perspective, I've told her (and I will stick to this) that I will continue to pay everything I always have done. This actually means that by going through a legal route, she'd be worse off. I pay for everything for the house. So I hope this seems like I'm not shunning my responsibilities.

I think the 'I felt unloved' claim is actually not rubbish. I've discussed this with my wife and even she agrees that over the past few years, she's been so consumed with being a mother and a part time teacher and a house wife that she has neglected me and not shown me much attention or affection. It's not a criticism at all, just an observation with reason.

And as for 'crawling back', that's not an option. Bridges totally and utterly burned.

Boo Hoo for you
Your WIFE works shes a teacher not easy job
looks after the kids
the house the shopping
probably the cleaning, cooking washing even the pants you are dropping for whom ever, everything else a house wife does
an you feel un loved my heart bleeds purple pee
I hope the other woman nos whats shes in for

and you feel unloved what a terrible shame
how are your kids and wife????