Supporting my husband, what can I do?

helping_hubby

I'm not really sure where to start but I feel the need to get some things off my chest. I don't have anyone to really talk to about this as it does not feel right to tell friends and family details..

bank_of_slate

A difficult one helping!

We would never suggest that you leave him! We're not here to judge you or your situation.
Have you shown him how long it would take to clear these using https://www.whatsthecost.com snowball calculator.

Unless he has had a total lightbulb moment the reality won't hit him and he may well do this again!
I hope he doesn't, show him this site too.
...Linda xx

chevalier

Hi there
First of all can you get him to cut up all the cards he has got? This would perhaps show you whether he is really committed to paying off these debts. Secondly if he has a lot of available credit ( ie all the cards), it is unlikely he would be able to get more at present.

Has he really had a lightbulb moment. It sounds like you have. Both of you are going to have to make sacrifices to pay this off, is he committed to doing this?

If you post a statement of affairs on here (see the sticky of southern scousers at the top of the page for information on how to lay this out), then there maybe areas we spot that you can cut down on.

One other tactic is to look at the credit card debt and snowball the repayments.

Eg
There are 7 cards and 6 have apr's of say 15% and the other one has an apr of 20%. You would do the minimum repayments on the 6 with the 15% apr, and pay any other money to the one with the higher apr. In this way, you save on the interest on the high apr card. When this one is paid off you close the account, and pay as much as you can off the next highest apr card and so on.

Best of luck
chev

jillie1974

i would show him this website and let him see the various threads that are on here about being in debt and getting in control of your debt.
maybe post a statement of affairs (list all your incomings and outgoings) and we can help.

Imelda

hi helping_hubby,

welcome to the DFW board.

Could you ask your husband to get a copy of his credit report? This will do two things 1) show you how good his rating is and therefore whether it is likely he will get a loan approved and 2) you will be able to see if he has any other credit outstanding, not saying he IS lying to you (it must have taken guts to admit to the other cards) but he may have genuinely forgotten about something.

Hope everything works out for you, please do reconsider consolidation, if you read about people's debts on here it is usually the case that they have consolidated only to go on and run up credit card debt again.

Good luck!

Oldernotwiser

I don't think that anyone should tell you to leave him but I do think that you should take a few precautions to protect yourself.
Firstly, with the possible exception of the mortgage, don't enter into any joint credit arrangements with him, however good an idea it seems at the time.
Secondly, you need to find out what he spent all this money on. If he's being busy being a single jack me lad, buying clothes, cars and toys, then you may find that marriage settles him and his prioities change. On the other hand, if the money's gone on extensive drinking, gambling or drugs you'll need to face the fact that he may not have addressed the underlying reasons for his debts.
Thirdly, don't take over his financial affairs. By all means try to re-educate him on money matters but his difficulties are of his own making and you won't help by taking the responsibility away from him. Don't turn into his mother; he's not a child.
Finally, don't start a family with him until you're really sure that he's sorted himself and his finances out.
You're absolutely right to want to help and support your husband through his problems ( that's what marriage is about ) but you must look after yourself and your own interests as well.

bank_of_slate

Me again, your post was a total inspiration to me (see my pic<

---

)
I kept my credit card from my husband which was totally stupid! now I have just cut it up, see?
...Linda xx

lynzpower

I would ask him to join up here if hes really committed though be prepared for him spending more time here than with you it happens to the best of us- I speak from experience!

Its all very well you covering the holes in the leaking bucket If you get wqhat i mean, but another thing entirely getting him to stop spending. He needs to have a good think about what he spent the moeny on, and more importantly why? for you to be truly helpful , you need to keep an open mind, and also to think where YOU mght have contributed to this, eg possibly not talking about money enough, lines of communication not as open as they culod be, having wants that he feels he had to satisfy and so on, these are just examples, I dont know if the "cap fits" only discussion with your husband can really thrash these issues out

All the best
Lynz
x

dumpy

Fully sympathise and as I have said before on this conference I'm in the same position.

Agree totally with oldernotwiser, try to limit financial links (I have none) and don't sort it out for him. He has to sort it out or he won't learn, help but don't do it for him.

Get him to get his credit report so you can see whats on it, credit available, payments etc etc.

A spending diary will help work out where the cash has/is going.


Oh and however irritating and frustrating my OH is with his financial affairs, I wouldn't leave him either!

helping_hubby

bank_of_slate, thanks for the website, I've done the Snowball calculator, which is how I've worked out we can pay the credit cards off in 5 years if we pay £500 a month. This method would cost £7.5k in interest alone though.

I fear transferring the cards to 0% will not work as there's too much and this would need to be done often and surely there becomes a point where you get rejected?

Imelda, I understand your reasons for suggesting not to consolidate. This is infact how he got into so much trouble to begin with. Lloyds kepted offering him to increase his loan to pay off his card and overdraft and then he'd simply fill up the loan and overdraft again! But my financial head tells me to get him to apply for a loan to cover these cards. If he got lucky - OK so not likely, if he got a loan on 6.3% we'd be paying £300 a month over 5 years instead. And it'd be easier to manage than 6 credit cards (6 because he had 1 that I knew about).

chevalier, he says he's cut up the cards already and I have the card for the exisiting credit card I knew about. He voluntarily gave me all his credit card and current account online logins. According to the statements he hasn't spent in 3 months on any of the credit cards (and sorry I exaggerated before, they aren't completely maxed out, but almost).

jillie1974, I have showed him the website. He promises to register, but right now he's spending every spare minute putting things on ebay. I guess that's a good thing. He does seem committed.

He's even selling his car (its on autotrader as I type ), which is a gas guzzling, high insurance car, and intends to buy a <£1k car. This will lower petrol costs, insurance costs, road tax. And the money he makes (hopefully £2k from the sale will go straight to the cards).

Imelda, I will ask him to do a credit report. We did one about 2 years ago and his rating was surprisingly OK...maybe because he pays everything on time? I'm avoiding anything requiring credit checks at present though as we're are literally in the middle of applying for a mortgage, and I don't want anything screwing our chances. However, had I known about his problems sooner we could have at least sorted a few things out prior to the mortgage application.

Oldernotwiser, as for protecting myself, what does happen if something happens to my husband? Do I get lumbered with all his debts?

We have a joint account which we got when we got married. Again at the time I didnt realise he was in this much debt. Had I known then what I know now I wouldn't have done that.

The mortgage will of course be joint. But I refuse to get any loans under my name.

As for his spending, I've discussed this with him already and seen his statements. There are no signs of gambling or large cash withdrawals. The majority is all paid on card. It's DVDs, things from ebay, restaurant bills from when we went to dinner, him overspending on xmas and birthdays...stuff like that.

As for me taking over his finances...that's exactly what I am doing! I just feel like I can't trust him at the moment. I promise to leave him be after a few months, I just need to help him get into a pattern...

dumpy, A spending diary is a very good idea. He could also keep a record of what payments come out on what days and things like that in there. I shall suggest that to him as an idea.

lynzpower, I think the only way I contributed to his spending, or not necessarily the spending, but him not admitting to me that he couldnt afford certain stuff and therefore getting deeper and deeper was me being scary! I found it extremely hard but when he told me I did remain calm, and instead of shouting we just sat down and worked on a budget and ideas of moneysaving and money making.

He says he spent because he simply did not want to admit what trouble he was in. Is this a reasonable explanation? I used to ask all the time if he had the money for things that I wouldn't have spent money on (take aways etc) and he apparently lied to me and said his parents gave him £20 for a takeaway...stuff like that.

Oh dear, I've written an essay. Sorry about that.

Thank you so much for all your replies. Nice to see I'm not alone too.

OberonSH

Hey there chick,

no, you're not alone. He seems like he's really trying hard now, witht eh selling of the boy toys, etc. Yes, his explanation is reasonable. The TV says we need shiny things, and more things, and MORE MORE MORE! If we turn around and say no, I can't afford it, it's like saying 'I am a failure'.

It sounds like you're working round the problem. Well done both of you.