Is this a mad idea ???

FBaby

Is the job safe? It sounds like a dream job, excellent salary, expenses paid etc... If it means compromising your OH safety, I would certainly not do it (your OH might not be telling you about this part so not to worry you, just a thought).

Oldernotwiser

AmandaD28 wrote: »

I don't think uprooting the whole family is the solution my nursing is a specialist branch and jobs are few and far between and whilst I have no doubt there will be others out there they will almost certainly not be where OH is going to be. Then there is the boys and their relationship with their natural father if he moved away their already fragile relationship would almost certainly crumble and I don't want that. We will also be moving away from a large close knit support network which enables me to work in my chosen profession conventional childcare does not really offer the hours I need to work and if I was fortunate enough to find some that did it costs a fortune and would eat a huge chunk out of our house fund. I'm not sure if that would be best for the family to be uprooted from people we love and depend on.

I'm afraid that this seems to be putting your first two sons' relationship with your ex ahead of your newest son's relationship with his father. This doesn't seem to to me to be the right way round.

Oldernotwiser

somethingcorporate wrote: »

I wouldn't say it was mad to consider it but for the extra few pounds a month it will end up after tax (unless is in a tax free economy) in my opinion would never make up for the quality time he would lose with you and his family.

A jump from £42K to £80K is rather more than an "extra few pounds", even after tax!

elvis86

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I'm afraid that this seems to be putting your first two sons' relationship with your ex ahead of your newest son's relationship with his father. This doesn't seem to to me to be the right way round.

Conversely, why should the needs and rights of the eldest 2 children and their father come second to the new baby and current partner?

Actually, I don't think that the OP's situation is about putting one above the other, as the OP has no intention of moving anyway.

But if the situation was different, and her OH's job required him/the family to move, or if he was offered a promotion requiring him/them to move etc, then I think that the older children's relationship with their father should absolutely be a factor in their decision-making as a couple.

Current OH knew the score when he took on a woman with kids, unfortunately in that situation, you don't necessarily have the freedom to up sticks and relocate when the fancy takes you, as there are children and another party who have rights and should be considered.

somethingcorporate

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

A jump from £42K to £80K is rather more than an "extra few pounds", even after tax!

I guess so! I pay tax at 52% marginal rate (HRT + student loan) so I halve any additional income I get. An extra £1,500 a month would be nice but never enough to miss my wife and child for most of the year!

Good luck OP - but do remember you cannot take it with you!!

ash28

OH worked overseas when we were first married - tax free income - accommodation and food provided - flights home 3 times a year paid - medical expenses paid -

He wasn't allowed to spend more than 90 days in the UK to keep his tax free status if he spent any longer he would begin to pay tax - but only on the extra time he spent in the UK.

It was alright and we survived - he used to come home every 3 months for 2 weeks - that was great it was like being on honeymoon. The problem was when he decided he wouldn't renew his contract - the adjustments needed by both of us were enormous - we almost split up.

I was used to popping out to visit friends or family when ever I liked - he was not a happy bunny - we did gradually get used to having another person to think about and we've been married 35 years now.

There have been a number of times over the years when we could have used the overseas salary - but once the children came there was no way he would ever go back - we discussed it a few times. And even the thought of a free private secondary education for the children didn't hold any sway.

Think long and hard - I'm not saying don't do it - you will do what you think is best for your family and no one can tell you what to do - just give it a lot of thought.

ALI1973

Thought I would share my experience with you, of course you may well handle things a lot differently from me.

My DH had to work away Monday - Friday for about 18 months and although I managed (I have three kids too), I began to feel very resentful and this reflected in how we acted around each other when he was home.

My girls also suffered greatly, my youngest was only 2 1/2 and she started that she was a bit indifferent to him when he was home, you know the sort of thing, not wanting Daddy to help put her shoes on or get her juice etc, and this broke our hearts. The older two also suffered in that they would sometimes have a cry when having a cuddle with me before bed, they just missed having him around so much, which you would think strange as previously he would leave for work at 7am and not return before 6.30pm.

It came to the point where we had to make a decision to either move to where his job was (although as he could be moved anywhere, this wasn't realistic), split up or take a pay cut and move back home to his old job (which he really didnt like) or get another one near home. As it happened, he had decided to come back to home, and when making arrangements, was offered a work from home position which was ideal.

We have discussed it since and we have both agreed that we would never, ever contemplate being apart again. We have a far more stable family life when we are together as a unit. And as someone else said money isn't the be all and end all. I am sure that that by extending your initial deadline you could still achieve your goals AND stay together as a family unit.

Best wishes, Ali

dirtysexymonkey

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I'm afraid that this seems to be putting your first two sons' relationship with your ex ahead of your newest son's relationship with his father. This doesn't seem to to me to be the right way round.

so two children should miss out on all contact with their father so the unborn baby can have contact with his and they can all be dragged around the world every few months? that doesnt seem to be right at all.

AmandaD28 wrote: »

He will be away anything between 4- 8 weeks at a time and then return home for a few weeks before going off again and the work could take him around the world.

dirtysexymonkey

gonzo127 wrote: »

as to credit records how old are they as any trashing dissappears after 6 years so have you both crecked your credit files recently?

as to the part about him moving out, its always a difficult one as every relationship is different, so you really do need to look at how you both feel about if, if one of you is worried could you do a trial run? something like finding somewhere for him to live (not nessesarily a long way away), but just not at yours and then see how you feel only getting to see him at weekends?

personally i could not spend that amount of time away from my child even for a substancial pay rise, anyways now thinking north east i am expecting Manchester/Liverpool way, so a quick look on rightmove shows loads of 4 bed houses for under £150k in and around Manchester and Liverpool, of course a lot are likely to be in less disirable areas but the question is have you actually looked at the property prices around you to see how much you might need for a deposit and rough repayment mortgage costs (which i expect will be more than your current £76 a week)

:huh::huh::huh::huh::huh::huh:

what map do you own.

Kay_Peel

It's not a mad idea, necessarily, but it is hard.

My brother had debts and dreams of a better life for his family. He worked out that if he spent a year abroad working in one of the Arab countries then he would clear his debts and have enough money left over for a sizeable deposit on a house. Off he went and it was the hardest year of his life. Truly, truly horrible. His wife coped because she could see an end in sight as the debts cleared and their savings account grew. He did it and they achieved their goals. When they look back on it, they say that it was well worth the heartache and separation. it set them up for the rest of their life, he reckons.