I'm sort of homeless. Need money NOW.

geoffky

I am afraid all you are suffering from is growing up...respect your parents wishes as you are in no position to do anything else...

kittiej

^^ A bit harsh.

OP I can understand the point that you are an adult and have lived away from home previously. It isn't always easy then having to return and be seen as a grown up by parents. This can cause a conflict of parents being overbearing and it can be difficult for them to realise you are a 24yr old man.

Have you tried to negotiate a set of house rules which everyone will adhere to or is that not possible?

Re food, if you are an athlete (?) training for the CWG then I would assume that you would need to follow a diet and by having to give up part of your food could impact upon performance? I'm sure you will correct me if wrong.

Re sleeping, my son is like you and it drives me bonkers that this 7yr old boy is quite happily playing James Bond by walking up and down his bed until the early hours of the morning. You sound like you have an overactive mind which does mean that you put lots of effort into thinking and not too much doing. It starts off with you putting all your energy into your thoughts and sometimes actions and then it just gets exhausting and because your brain won't switch off you then go onto the next thing to think about and so the cycle begins again.

Re being made to look like an idiot in front of others, take the wind out of your mother's sails by jumping in first and offering to make cups of tea for everyone. It might also give you brownie points with them and if your mothere has ever said anything to them about you then it will prove her wrong.

Being a mother is all about making mistakes however it isn't about abusing your children which swearing at a child is. Did you ever bond with your mother? I am wondering whether she not only has OCD but ASD traits as well which could be a reason that she is unreasonable, though she won't see it that way. It could be that you both pull in opposite directions a little bit but that little bit on each side adds up to a lot. How does your mother get on with your brother?

Would you be able to stay with your GF for a while? I would say as much as it feels uncomfortable just get your head down and plan for your get-out date.

I've done too much thinking now and I'm tired :rotfl:

Vanille_2

Respite wrote: »

Just finished reading 5 pages of posts. Two things have stood out that you mentioned in your first post.
1. Mental problems 2. Family issues

Are your parents aware that you suffer from mental problems? Do you not think that if your mum disliked you as much as you think she does, she wouldn't have thrown you out by now? On the other hand maybe she finds it difficult to cope with your mental problems and doesn't understand your perspective on life? If you were my son and I disliked you so much and wasn't aware you had mental problems, I would be borrowing a guitar and go busking until I had saved 2 grand to give to you and tell you to just visit me at Christmas time.

You stated you wanted some advice re loans with the intention of moving away from the family home. You come across as being pretty clued up already re loans etc - you seem to have done ok applying for credit cards, overdraft etc - and if you really are not aware of the help available to you re crisis loans from DSS etc, for a deposit for a tenancy, I bet it wouldn't take you too long to find out via the internet. Why wait till Monday to do this?

I think your posts are more of a cry for help and understanding re your emotional needs right now, not financial - and let's face it, we all have times in our lives where we crave that recognition of understanding from someone. My take on it is that you need your mum to understand how you think, how you feel, understand that maybe you're stressed about finishing your work for Uni and maybe other things that you haven't spoken about on here, that are personal to you but would like to share with your mum but there is a big high wall there.

You say you're a logical thinker? Well you come across as being pretty smart to me, so get thinking. If you have family issues, talk to your family, maybe talk to your dad, you describe him as being approachable - bet he understands you more than you think and just doesn't know how to deal with your take on life.

somethingcorporate wrote: »

A very interesting thread and one I am glad I read from the start. I do feel for you OP.

I see the main issue with not getting on with your parents being quite a simple thing, you obviously have a very strong feeling of right, wrong, justice and respect - which is no bad thing. Unfortunately your parents hold different views / standards which do not correlate with yours. It appears you see this reflected elsewhere in the world (i.e. not having 20 years work experience or being a parent) and this is something you need to reconcile with yourself - there is no justice in this world, everything is personal, subjective and emotional, it is something that will take a lifetime to learn and a lifetime to reconcile. I am not much older than yourself and consider myself to be well adjusted but still find from time to time I have this "crisis" of conscience where I struggle to reconcile the injustices that I see and feel around me - often work or society related.

Sorry I cannot offer much practical advice, unfortunately it is likely something you will have to learn to live with - some parents will never be satisfied and some will be satisfied from the moment you are born. You should try and learn to love them for the person they are and not get hung up about getting respect you think you deserve but cannot force them to give you.

Good luck OP.

skintandscared wrote: »

One thing that you said Vanille has struck a bit of a chord - when you said you talked to your dad and he, to some extent, sympathised with your position and the points you were making to him.

I have a friend who is married with 2 young children, whose own mother has narcassistic personality disorder. It basically manifests itself in that NOTHING my friend does is right, ever. She's apparently a bad mum, shouldn't work part time, shouldn't feed the kids what she does, is lazy, lets her children go cold, all sorts of things. None of these things are true - she's a fabulous mother. But her mum seems to want to put her down at every opportunity. Now that is a very extreme case and I'm not saying that applies to your mum, but maybe she has, eg, mild OCD about things like cleaning, which surely you have some understanding about.

Thing is, someone who has narcassistic personality disorder, however strong or mild, will never recognise that they do and will never change. All my friend can do is try not to do the things that set her off and try not to bite back.

Obviously I haven't met you or your mum, I'm just trying to see this situation from your point of view and offer possible reasons for behaviour, to promote some empathy and understanding?

Like others have said, until your degree is finished and you start a job, you can't change your living situation. You wouldn't get any form of loan without an income. You really don't have an option but to bite the bullet and try and do the things that keep your mum happy until you can leave and do as you please. Part of life's education is learning to deal with all sorts of different personalities - in work, with friends, with family and just generally with people we encounter in day to day life. My boss sometimes makes demands which are unreasonable and not logical but it's something I have to deal with. I may sometimes explain why something can't be done the way he's asked for it to be done if it's physically impossible, but if it's just something that I personally find illogical then I have to find a way around my thinking and do what he wants - he's in charge (like your parents are in their home!) Conflict resolution is part of growing up and sometimes you have to give a little!

BTW, have you seen the new black garlic that's in the shops? Apparently it doesn't smell anywhere near as much as regular garlic

Thankyou all for these comments. I will look into what you have said and see if I can alleviate the situation.

It wouldn't surprise me if my mother has a personality disorder of some sort also, but probably not quite like me. I'll look them up and see if she checks any boxes. I know that she has had depression for a while and that she get along with my brother just fine. The reason for this is because he completed his course on time, he worked all the way through uni and has done several things with government. They see no reason to look down on him. My dad said that he feels i'm more talented than my brother, but that he gets a lot further because he has the drive, therefore it is my belief that they respect him more. I have real troubles with motivation etc..

bobajob_1966

Vanille wrote: »

Thankyou all for these comments. I will look into what you have said and see if I can alleviate the situation.

It wouldn't surprise me if my mother has a personality disorder of some sort also, but probably not quite like me. I'll look them up and see if she checks any boxes. I know that she has had depression for a while and that she get along with my brother just fine. The reason for this is because he completed his course on time, he worked all the way through uni and has done several things with government. They see no reason to look down on him. My dad said that he feels i'm more talented than my brother, but that he gets a lot further because he has the drive, therefore it is my belief that they respect him more. I have real troubles with motivation etc..

It seems to me that your mum lives a perfectly functional life, so why would you want to label her with a mental disorder just to make yourself feel better?

Vanille_2

Shiloe wrote: »

Sorry to burst your bubble but its not a "gray area" its the regulations of getting JSA and by getting JSA while still doing a module in a FT course you are getting JSA wrongfully ... in the real world [where you clearly dont live] its called benefit fraud :rotfl: get a grip and give your parents a bl**dy break

Yep, perhaps it is fraud, but it's for a few weeks. I'll be giving back to the country to more than make up for it. Maybe this makes me a horrible human being your eyes. It's funny how the country would condemn me for using the benefits for a few weeks, but then those in government using public money to pay for second homes are fully within the law.

LovelyLeeds wrote: »

I've selected that quote as a representation of how you come across (to me). Do you thnk anyone else actually likes cleaning communal areas? And as for the bathroom - that's the one place which should be cleaned regularly and no one likes doing that, so why do you feel you're exempted?
A poster said that the loans forum isn't the best place for sympathetic posts, and there's good reason for that. If you'd posted in the DFW forum you'd have received a shedload of sympathy and lovely cosy posts all agreeing and empathising with you but maybe not offering practical reasoning and advice.
This thread has evolved in such a way that posters are thinking about their own lives and how yours compares. My conclusion is that you are completely oblivious to other peoples' thoughts, processes, feelings etc, and that you're entitled to be hurt and wounded by remarks your mother makes, yet you get your own back with a disrespective and unhelpful attitude.
In view of all what you have said, I think your focus should definitely be on moving out, and soon. That way you wont have to do endless lists, comparatives etc of your perceived situation now.
Your dad seems to understand the friction between you and your mum, and really that is all it is, the fact that you can't manage it, is what is making you ill/distracted/unable to move forward. Can you have a frank discussion with your dad, and ask him to help you move out? You're wasting far too much energy on analysing why your mum disrespects you.

SingleSue wrote: »

As a parent of a child with Aspergers and one with complex autism, plus having an OCD type of personality, I can see where both the parents and the op are coming from.

Some of the views of my child with aspergers are so very frustrating, he sees everything as very black and white, right and wrong with no grey area...he also will not clean something that has been dirtied by someone else because as far as he is concerned, he did not make the mess so why should he clean it up - he really cannot see my point about sometimes we have to and I certainly have to when clearing up everyone elses messes.

I also have to get everything perfect, have to be everywhere on time and it can be difficult relaxing and letting things go, especially when others do not seem to share my view of having to have perfection or when they think it is ok to be a few minutes late. My sleep pattern has also not been wonderful, I am an insomniac (although my current medication for my physical problems has pretty much allowed me to sleep normally for the first time in my life) but then, I have never had the chance to sleep in, if I finally manage to get to sleep at 6, I still have to be up at 7...all nighters are not unusual.

So OP, no practical help I am afraid but I can sort of understand where you and your parents are coming from.

I can see where you're both coming from here. I suppose the problem is really my way of handling a small situation. My girlfriend and I have been talking and I think I do have a very mild sort of Aspergers. I don't suffer social problems, but I think I do see things in a very black and white way. I'm smart enough to recognise there's a grey area, and even that following it is beneficial, but it doesn't feel right to me.
You're right; if somebody does leave a mess then I do feel like I shouldn't clean it. Sometimes I'd clean it because it gets the job done, or because it's a nice thing to do, but because of my feelings towards my parents, sometimes I feel like it's not my responsibility, or that it would be wrong of me to clean it.
I hadn't thought of that before.

Also, I don't mind people on here criticising me, but it's how they do it. For example, some people just come in and say they think i'm doing X wrong, and I should rectify it. Some people just tell me to 'grow up' which is infuriating. The reason for this is because those people telling me to grow up have clearly ignored my side of the story and just dismiss it, telling me to be a more mature human, like they are. It's looking down on me and I hate it.

jonesMUFCforever

I have read this thread - only comment I have to make -OP you will not get a loan in any circumstances so you need Plan B.

Vanille_2

meer53 wrote: »

Well after reading all the posts, i think i've come to the conclusion that you're not listening to what any of us have to say. You're right and your mum is wrong, you're not even going to try to listen, and change the way you are whilst you're living rent free in their house. You can do what you like once you have your own place but until then it's tough really. If you don't like it then do whatever you can to get out.

If you were my son i'd be asking you to leave too. I'd be devastated if my son acted like you are doing, you seem to have a warped view on respect and how to show it. Your life would be so much better if you went along with what they're asking you to do, it's not difficult, why not try it for a couple of weeks ? I think you're far too selfish to try this though, it's all about you isn't it ? Grow up.

The reason i'm arguing is because I don't think i'm 100% wrong and they're 100% right and I can't fathom why people think this. Why is my view on respect warped? Do you think it's perfectly reasonable for parents to completely discount and put down their child on everything they've accomplished so far, to criticise every area of their life, make them do all of their dirty work without an ounce of repect and then to mock them about how they've got to do this work? They mock me about other things too.
You think it's fine for a parent to do that, then the child is supposed to sit there and smile whilst they're being taken the pi** out of and bordered on bullied? If my boss at work had treated me the same way, then most people would tell me to stop being a pu**y and stand up for myself, but because it's my parents I should just get one with it and shut my mouth?

I think that you have a strange sense of respect and I don't think you'd like it if you were on the other side of the coin.

skintandscared wrote: »

To be honest, nobody "feels" like cleaning the kitchen or bathroom. But it has to be done if you don't want to live in a slum. I adopt the FlyLady approach ... I clean the shower walls while I'm showering and wipe down taps/sink/loo every morning before I leave the flat. Takes 5 minutes and my bathroom is permanently sparkling. Same with the kitchen worktops and sink. Never leave dishes - clear up/wash up/wipe down sides immediately after you've eaten. It literally takes a few minutes and your mum will never know you've even been in the kitchen or bathroom. If you don't leave drops of water on surfaces but use kitchen roll or a microfibre cloth, they will stay permanently sparkly.

Not doing "your bit" in communal areas, when you are living rent-free, is just lazy and selfish. Nobody is too busy to spend 10 minutes wiping down surfaces after themselves.

Yes I should do this. I suppose when you clean during the activity, it means that you don't have to come back to the task later, in which case it's seen purely as a cleaning task, whereas if you clean at the time then it's not quite the same thing. Not sure if you'll follow me here, but it makes sense to me.

poet123

You seem to see things others do as very black and white, but see those you do as having grey areas. The benefits issue for example, it is either right or wrong, yet you mitigate it to suit your own needs.

You may not like how people have responded (and some have been unecessarily blunt imo) but that is because we can see both sides of the coin, and we can see that from your posts you seem very intransigent, yet expect leeway from others. You want what you cannot give. Some of your posts appear to be attempting to see the other pov, but read deeper and that is not actually the case. I think you have really reached the end of the road living at home (actually, living with anybody really from how it comes across)but perhaps you could go to your girlfriends/her parents and stay there for a time. I think familiarity has bred contempt on both sides and living as a lodger in your girlfriends home would remove that from the equation. You would have to adhere to their rules though, and you may find those at home were not so bad after all!!!

meer53

OP, i'm one of the people who told you to grow up and i stand by my comment. From what you've said you have done in the past, travelled the world, are training for the CWG, held down a high paying job, i don't think theres anything wrong with you at all. You just think the world owes you big style. And as for the comment about the benefit fraud just being for a few weeks, well, it just reinforces my opinion even more. Why should other people be jailed for benefit fraud and you be the one who is "allowed" because you say you're going to repay it back ? How can you guarantee that ? Just because others do it doesn't make it right does it ?
With all your emotional/mental issues i'd be surprised if anyone offered you a job, your lifestyle and the way you see others makes you a liability, get a grip and join the rest of us in the real world.

skintandscared_2

Vanille wrote: »

Yes I should do this. I suppose when you clean during the activity, it means that you don't have to come back to the task later, in which case it's seen purely as a cleaning task, whereas if you clean at the time then it's not quite the same thing. Not sure if you'll follow me here, but it makes sense to me.

Yes, that's exactly how I see it too. I keep a cleaning sponge and Stardrops or washing up liquid on the side of the bath, and give the wall tiles a once-over while my conditioner is soaking in my hair. It's time I'm usually stood there doing nothing, so might as well do something productive and it doesn't feel like a chore I'm pretty lazy myself at times but keeping everywhere clutter-free and having cloths in every room, at the ready to wipe surfaces down, means 5 minutes every so often in each room keeps everything spotless permanently.