I'm sort of homeless. Need money NOW.

Vanille_2

Purbeck wrote: »

I'd like to add something in response to an earlier post also

"I am of the firm belief that children are born to their parents and until the day they (parents) die it is our responsibility to help and guide our children." Sukysue

I agree, but one of the ways to help and guide your child is to give them the emotional and practical tools to enable them to make their own decisions in life, accept the consequences of their own actions and to deal with them in a mature way. To learn to solve their own problems...and to be able to do their own housework lol, (mothers of teenagers know that's not always easy

Actually I do all of my own housework. When I lived away from home it was fairly clean. I would certainly clean it every so often, certainly not to my parents standards though.

The strange thing is that here, I don't quite feel like it's my place, I only feel as though I should clean like 2 of the rooms, where I usually spend most of my time. Also I feel it's my duty to clean any mess that I make. I rarely feel like cleaning the communal areas, or the bathroom for example.

dealer_wins

I think its safe to assume you wont get a loan at the moment due to your financial circumstances, so you need to think about plan B.

System

Vanille, very few people view 'clean' in exactly the same way lol, my place is untidy but fairly clean...my mum did it much the same...but I know I would drive my friend mad because she has everything immaculate. It ISN'T your place so you have to remember that what you find acceptable, your mum doesn't and respect her need ( and right actually) to have it how she likes...when you're in your own place you can do as YOU please.

Vanille_2

Purbeck wrote: »

I don't want to sound unkind, we all have 'issues', we don't all have supportive parents, we all have our own problems,mentally, emotionally, financially etc...but several things strike me as being very 'simple'.

You are putting the blame on your parents for your own problems.

You're 24, an adult for some years, you are not happy with living with your mother but financially can't leave until you complete your uni course and find work...therefore you have NO CHOICE but to follow the house rules.That it is your parents making the rules is irrelevant really...the same might be true if you lived in halls, though the rules would be different someone else would still be making them! ( That will be true of work too remember)

It is your parents house and I am sure they both love you...but cannot live with you as another adult in their house. Not every parent CAN live with an adult child as it were. How would you feel if you owned a house and had plans for the way you wanted to live in it and then a family member, loved but not easy to live, with moved in and showed no signs of moving out again?

You must decide whether you can live there until you finish your course, OR whether it is intolerable to do so? In the latter case you may consider trying to get a job now, and find a room to rent. That's it...you have only the two choices really. Stay or go.

You don't say ( sorry if I missed it) what job your course will prepare you for, whether that will be easy to find etc...in the present economic climate can you be sure whatever qualification you get will help you find work?

I think you should go back to your doctor, ask for a proper diagnosis and to be directed to someone who can help...though to be honest you sound exactly like my ex boyfriend...he didn't actually have a mental health problem, he just opted out of making decisions for himself and complained bitterly that his mother tried to run his life for him...it was true, she DID...but only because he would not do it himself! He was unwilling ( or lets be kind and say unable) to take any responsibility for his own life whilst letting someone else 'keep him'.

I do hope you find an answer... but please remember we ( everyone on here) has had times when they have had to make tough decisions...it isn't generally a case of anyone getting an easy ride through life!

I'd like to quote something you said "Anybody can be a parent or work 20 years in a bakery. Why should I be looked down upon because I'm still studying?" Actually it's very hard being a parent...you worry constantly whether you are getting it 'right'...I went back to college as a mature student...it was hard work but immensely rewarding, no one looked down on me for studying instead of working.... but I'll tell you now..it was a whole lot easier than being a parent, or working full time for bosses who drive you to distraction, or just trying to keep a roof over my head.

Well you make an interesting point about the rules being there regardless of who makes them. The thing is, I don't like to just accept rules because they've been decided on. For example, and I don't want this to get sidetracked, I think Marijuana should be legal. There's substantial evidence for why it should be and there are politicians who put up decent arguments for why it should be, even New Scientist defends it, but it's illegal. I know that's due to government not having the balls to legalise it, also it would ruin the Tobacco industry, which i'm sure has probably something to do with it. Now I don't smoke weed; it's not my thing, but I wouldn't care about doing it, because I feel it should be legal. I feel like who are the government to decide what should and shouldn't enter my body, unless those effects are a real danger to society.

It's not that I have a problem with authority, but I don't mind challenging it. If I think a rule is stupid then i'll argue my point. The fact it comes from my parents gives it more of a reason to be disrespectful of my feelings.
I'm not saying that it's not my fault, i'm trying to say that it's not JUST my fault. Everybody here has defended my parents, with the outcome being that i'm some spoiled brat, but I feel that's incorrect and that my parents are as much to blame as I. However, my parents have come off rather unscathed in this thread.

I know it may not look like it, but I am never afraid to admit when i'm wrong. I am wrong fairly regularly (though not the majority of the time) and it only strengthens my personality. In this thread I can't see many cases where i'm wrong, which is really confusing me as to why I've had this response.

I did say that it's not easy being a parent, and even harder to be a decent parent, but what I mean is that it's not literally difficult to be a parent, as in have the child. You only then have to show that you're not psychopathic in front of others and then you seem to earn a level of respect that somebody like me cannot, without having a child. I know many people who had babies at 16 and the majority of them are fairly stupid. They look down on me though because I haven't 'faced reality' yet though.

I recently had an argument with a cleaner in my old student housing. She was paid to do a number of things, but when she started doing things wrong (throwing away some of our property etc) we complained. The management then told us that we should show her more respect and understand that she has a family and a job and that it's something we haven't experienced yet, so then she had an excuse to write us snotty notes and 'forget' to do things.
Can you believe that? We paid them money to do a service, then they told us that she's allowed to leave us rude notes.

I'm not saying I should be respected, but should I be disrespected for not having these experiences?

System

Vanille, I have never been one to accept that someone else is 'right' in a work situation just because they are in authority lol... but knowing they are NOT right and having to tell them so are two different things! Sometimes you just have to KNOW you are right but do what you are asked because THEY pay the wages. It's a compromise and knowing when to stick to your own principles at the expense of annoying the boss is important.

I won't comment re weed, except to say I have seen the damage it does, to memory, to being able to function competently. That goes for many other drugs of course and there IS an effect on society even from the 'mild' drugs...it's a matter of scale I suppose.

It is as you say, easy ( for some) to have a child, ...just as it's 'easy' ( for some) to get a job, 'easy' ( for some) to pass exams.... all experiences are useful in some way, and no one should be shown a lack of respect because they haven't had the same experience (yet).

Re your cleaner...as a 'paid employee' No she wasn't entiitled to throw away things you wanted kept (would she have known though?) . or to write rude notes...but by the same token you have to allow for 'human failings', she may well have been having family problems/health worries etc that made her 'touchy'. In wanting your parents to respect you 'despite' what they see as your failings you are asking them to do what you couldn't do with your cleaner...? don't you think? You mention being something of a perfectionist in your course work... maybe that need for perfection in your own work makes it hard for you to accept the failings of others also?

On a purely practical note...have you visited the CAB for advice on finances?

sophistica

I know someone in a similar situation and she has just got a place at Cambridge to study for a PhD and a grant. When I needed an immediate solution to a similar problem about 30 years ago I signed up to do a PGCE. Another course away from home may buy you a bit of time.

Vanille_2

Purbeck wrote: »

Vanille, I have never been one to accept that someone else is 'right' in a work situation just because they are in authority lol... but knowing they are NOT right and having to tell them so are two different things! Sometimes you just have to KNOW you are right but do what you are asked because THEY pay the wages. It's a compromise and knowing when to stick to your own principles at the expense of annoying the boss is important.

I won't comment re weed, except to say I have seen the damage it does, to memory, to being able to function competently. That goes for many other drugs of course and there IS an effect on society even from the 'mild' drugs...it's a matter of scale I suppose.

It is as you say, easy ( for some) to have a child, ...just as it's 'easy' ( for some) to get a job, 'easy' ( for some) to pass exams.... all experiences are useful in some way, and no one should be shown a lack of respect because they haven't had the same experience (yet).

Re your cleaner...as a 'paid employee' No she wasn't entiitled to throw away things you wanted kept (would she have known though?) . or to write rude notes...but by the same token you have to allow for 'human failings', she may well have been having family problems/health worries etc that made her 'touchy'. In wanting your parents to respect you 'despite' what they see as your failings you are asking them to do what you couldn't do with your cleaner...? don't you think? You mention being something of a perfectionist in your course work... maybe that need for perfection in your own work makes it hard for you to accept the failings of others also?

On a purely practical note...have you visited the CAB for advice on finances?

Well in a job I would do what they wanted me to, because I have to, but at home I kind of feel like because they're my parents they shouldn't be so unfair. I don't think there's as much of a need for compromise in business, depending on the issue of course.

With the cleaner, I knew her for a number of years and she has never been any different. She openly dislikes students and moans about how we don't work, wake up at midday and 'mummy/daddy' pay for us, which isn't true at all for many of us.

Of course everybody makes mistakes, but she has been doing things wrong for years. She's not clumsy or having a bad day, she was actually telling our neighbors that she likes to get back at the ones she doesn't like by doing certain things to us. She threw out items like shoes, then denied it and we found them in the bin, when she was the only one that had been in the house!! We complained because she turned off the freezers to defrost them, whist we had food in there. She also wrote us a rude note telling us that we should clean up a bit more because uni was over at the time and we were't working. That's not her call to make. We're paying customers and shouldn't have to do that. I'd rather have not had a cleaner and done it myself, but since it was part of the contract, she was here to stay. We never created any substantial mess, but it was more than she has in her home, so apparently our money isn't a good enough incentive to do her job? We were never disrespectful.
The management were always saying things like this. They withheld services to 'punish us' and had told parents that they need to 'exercise discipline or we'll run riot'. They saw us as children and in some cases even felt the need to correct our manners (not mine). When we were talking to them they'd answer calls whilst we were in mid-sentence, but we wouldn't do that to them because it's rude.
When management said that we should have to understand that the service is shoddy because she has a family ad we couldn't understand that, I couldn't believe it.

Can you imagine going into McDonalds, ordering food, them getting it wrong, you complaining and then them saying "Oh well, it happens, get over it. We have families to look after and you don't, so you need to just be quiet". I doubt you'd be happy with that service. I know that everybody has problems, but that does not excuse an unprofessional service. She doesn't have the right to hang up on us when she likes, or throw out items of clothing.

I feel constantly looked down upon by those who have simply just been around longer and thus feel qualified to disregard my own competencies.

No I haven't been to the CAB; it's not open on the weekend.

System

No one, cleaner or CEO should deliver a shoddy service...that's a fact...it is also a fact that some do! There are many rude and unprofessional people being employed at the expense of the customer AND the people who would like the chance of a job. But life is unfortunately not fair like that... if one gets het up over it too much it takes all the shine out of the good bits!

Why feel looked down upon? People 'may' look down on you because they have (they think) more experience of life/work whatever... there will always be people who do that, the only way to be is to be proud of what you achieve ( however simple an achievment) and leave others to do what they will. If you make a happy life for yourself, living independantly in your own place ( however small) then 'most' people will respect that, even if they still feel they have had experiences you haven't.

umdelicious

Sorry to hear about your problems OP. Ignore negative comments, I can understand where you're coming from, as getting to the age where perhaps it would be good to move out.

The only thing apart from live-in jobs, and shelter, I can think of, is to keep out of their way as much as possible. For meals, perhaps Jacket potatoes, or pasta, with some pesto sauce, and salad. Sttuff like omelettes, quick and easy stuff. Make your room your den for finishing your thesis.

Good luck, you sound like you've worked hard. Wishing you all the best. :T

Enfieldian

casey wrote: »

The worry for me here is that you have mentioned taking your own life twice!! Please seek some professional advice .

Professional advice on how to kill yourself?

Is there a market for that?