Divorce / csa / spousal maintenance

Giraffe5021

Bubby - you must be a mind reader!
I have just finished financial spreadsheets and will check them over tomorrow and am sending to her with an email outlining the proposition. I am however conscious that this is highly likely to end up being forwarded to her solicitor so BIG disclaimer that it does not represent a formal offer going on the bottom! The full details will outline all incomings / outgoings and will highlight
1) there is limited pot of cash so (regretfully) the same standard of living cannot be maintained
2) the merits / pitfalls of some of the possible solutions (i.e. remaining on the mortgage, mesher orders, indemnifying me in the event of her inability to meet the payments etc).
With regard to your other comments following the last mediation meeting she was to consult a mortgage advisor to ascertain if she could take the mortgage on in her own right. I take your point about the furnishings etc, but (assuming we can get to a place where the kids can come and visit / stay) I want it to be a home from home not looking like a charity shop as I think a decently furnished (not like a John Lewis catelogue!!) home will make them more comfortable and therefore more likely to be happy to stay over.
Hope springs eternal!!
Thanks again for your support and advice - it truly is helping me focus my thoughts

Mojisola

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

With regard to your other comments following the last mediation meeting she was to consult a mortgage advisor to ascertain if she could take the mortgage on in her own right. I take your point about the furnishings etc, but (assuming we can get to a place where the kids can come and visit / stay) I want it to be a home from home not looking like a charity shop as I think a decently furnished (not like a John Lewis catelogue!!) home will make them more comfortable and therefore more likely to be happy to stay over.
Hope springs eternal!!

Don't dismiss Freegle/Freecycle out of hand. We've given away - and received - some very nice items from fellow Freeglers.

DS4215

If you were to get a property in the same area (rented), could you use breakfast/after school clubs for childcare if you had the kids? You could even drop the youngest off at mums so they could go to school with her and pick them up after work.

First thing though is you need a place where they can stay in their own rooms. Show them around and tell them they can stay when they want and let pester power run its course....

princessdreamer

Shared 50/50 is awful for children and with you working all the time it would be just dumping the children in childcare. How old are the children, think if they are over 10 the courts listen to them and if you are the one who walked out they will favour their mother.


Edit sorry just read the kids are older. that will make contact more difficult as if they say we are not going then the court will take the childrens side. You start going through courts and rocking the boat watch them wave bye bye. My sons are slightly older and they would give him hell if he tried to come see them now.

Mupette

OP

The fact that you don't want to disrupt your children's lives is really good of you, but as parents you also need to teach them the value of things.

Hard as it is sky is a luxury, you children need to learn now whilst this is going on that such luxuries can not continue.

Your wife should learn from this too... you are no longer together and at some point she is going to have to stand on her own two feet.

When i divorced my husband, i had nothing from him in a form of maintence, infact he took everything he could and left me in debt, didnt take any responsibility for his half of the bills and it did take me 10 years to pay everything back to various companies whilst he paid £5 per week in csa.. its now £70 per month.

My son has learnt the value of money, does not demand anything because his friends have things that he should too.

Your wife's solicitor will try and take every penny they can from you as it is their job, but... paying for the household is not part of this, your wife works and recieves the relevant benefits, and you pay mainenence (sp - MS bad day) to the children, anything above that apart from the joint mortgage is just greed

RAS

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

To answer some of the queries raised:
1) c£80k equity (but balance this against my pension pot being c£50k larger than her pension pot)

What I do not see in this is the credit card debt that you accrued both before and after the split?

Unless you are mightly extravagant personally ( and that sounds unlikely from your posts so far) these are debts of the marriage and should also be taken into account.

It might pay to go through the old statments and work out how much hasbeen family spending out of that sum?

Giraffe5021

My thanks again for all your thoughts and advice.
My stance with the children is just to go the softly softly route and hope that taking small steps will eventually bring about a situation where they will want to stay. As princessdreamer alludes to forcing them to come is most likely to result in an additional pressure on them and possible / probable resentment that I am forcing them to do something. I think a much better way forward is to gradually make them more comfortable - for example out in the morning then back to mine for lunch then out again in afternoon. That way it will be a gradual, gentle, introduction for them and then try to build on that.
The debt will be factored into the settlement - this has been confirmed by my solicitor. It was spent on joint / family expenditure (holiday / laptop for daughter etc) and as such we are jointly responsible. In my attempts to do "the right thing" the CC debt has increased since I have left as outgoings outstripping income. Again solicitor has confirmed this should be factored into the settlement.

princessdreamer

I will give you the advice I gave my ex he chose to ignore it and lose his children. Do not create a war bad mouthing the mother will cause resentment. Ensure you let the children know you love them and be honest. If visiting is not an option send cards and phone. Everything you do will come back at you at some point good or bad. if you put in a letter that the ex is doing something which they are not the children will find out. Children take in more than anyone thinks and teenagers are a law unto themselves.

Giraffe5021

PrincessDreamer - I am fully aware of what little sponges children are in absorbing information and I NEVER bad mouth their mother to them. I wish the same could be said in reverse!! I cannot see that anything is to be gained by either party in making it a constant battleground and as I think I said in an earlier post I think this will be damaging for the children. I even now (some 40 odd years later!!) can remember specific upsetting events from my childhood.
I am only ever supportive and loving towards my children and tell them at every opportunity i get that I love them. I am just hoping that taking this stance will - maybe once they are older and more able to form their own judgements rather than being led by either me or ex - get me to the position I really want to be with them.

Giraffe5021

Just hit send button on the email to Ex (refer my post of 9-42pm yesterday).
Tin hats at the ready!!!!