Divorce / csa / spousal maintenance

clearingout

Giraffe, being admirable isn't going to keep you sane. You need to find a mid-point. That mid-point, I think, is stopping paying utilities, Council Tax and Sky. Let her claim Child Tax Credit like the rest of us and start to manage. When my ex walked out on me, my income suddenly dropped by about 75% - I couldn't pay the mortgage I admit, but I managed every other bill, food, clothing, life insurances, credit card payments, a loan payment, and I kept running a car. I have no idea how I manage at the end of every month but I always seem to manage to break even. I don't have wardrobes full of clothes anymore, I wear the same shoes for a whole season, I can't afford to drink alcohol or buy take aways but we have everything we need. And for the record - my ex doesn't pay a penny. Of course the children have been affected - that's part of it - but they haven't come to any harm for no longer having Sky TV! 'Normal' is about more than that, I think. It's about mum and dad being reasonable, about not arguing in front of them, not asking them to pick and choose between the two of you. You will probably find that if you sit down with them and say 'look, we can't afford everything we used to afford so you can lose Sky and get Freeview or lose Broadband, what do you want', they'll make the choice for you! Ignore the ex in the background saying 'it's not in their best interests', that's simply not true. It is not in their best interests that their dad has a breakdown or they are unable to visit him in a new home.

Marker_2

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

Have finally got round to logging back in.
Have had a hell of a day - and whilst not wishing to sound a complete woose I am just totally stressed out by the whole thing. I have worked out the financials - I got spreadsheets coming out of my ears - and on the offer I made after all the ex marital home bills are paid (and remember I know what they all are cos I am paying them all!!) my offer would have left her with £50 per day for food / clothes / petrol etc and I really dont think this is unfair.
Hardly slept last night with the worry of it all and just feel totally exhausted today. Was up at 2,5 and 7am this morning out in the back garden having a cigarette (no lectures please!!) wondering what the hell to do.
Was seeing specialist divorce lawyer but ex suggested mediation as quicker cheaper way of resoliving it so seemed like the logical option to go. I turn up with all the financials set out in spreadsheets and ex just mocks me and says how ridiculous - I cant see how we can make financial progress unless all parties are aware of the full financial situation. I regret that if sensible progress cannot be made it will be back to the solicitor to do it the hard and expensive way.
I want to thank you all for your supportive comments - as the NRP I am trying desperately to do the right thing.
As Marker said when when parents split the childrens lives get turned upside down and I am trying SO hard for this not to happen.
That said I now feel totally on the edge and frankly not sure how much more of this I can take.

£350 per week on clothes/petrol/food etc? Wow, that is alot of money for just those things when the bills are already paid.

I'd say £250 is more reasonable. You have 3 kids who I assume will be staying with the ex. Price of food per week to feed the 4 of them, maybe £100pw, £100pw for clothes and petrolfor 4 people, the remaining £50pw for extras (going swimming, cinema etc). I'd say £250 pw is a more than reasonable sum, that would at the very least allow your children to live a pretty high standard of life.

Just out of interest, and you dont have to answer at all, what was the reason behind your split. I ask as the reason for your wifes behavious may lie there.

dirtysexymonkey

Marker wrote: »

£350 per week on clothes/petrol/food etc? Wow, that is alot of money for just those things when the bills are already paid.

I'd say £250 is more reasonable. You have 3 kids who I assume will be staying with the ex. Price of food per week to feed the 4 of them, maybe £100pw, £100pw for clothes and petrolfor 4 people, the remaining £50pw for extras (going swimming, cinema etc). I'd say £250 pw is a more than reasonable sum, that would at the very least allow your children to live a pretty high standard of life.

Just out of interest, and you dont have to answer at all, what was the reason behind your split. I ask as the reason for your wifes behavious may lie there.

£100 per week just for clothes?!!!!! what planet do you live on? this lazy cow needs to get off her !!!! and look for a job if she wants a particular lifestyle, not sponge off of her ex husband!

Giraffe5021

DirtySexy Monkey - (and I say this in jest) - can I forward you my ex's number and you can tell her? LOL.
Sorry am trying to cheer myself up when I really do not feel cheerful!!

princessdreamer

If you think she is greedy you could always swap places with her

Giraffe5021

Princess dreamer - gladly.
I would swop places in an instant without a 2nd thought!!!
£50k income
Work for 3 hours a day for 3 days week
Have £50 per day after bills are paid and be with my kids who I love with all my heart and soul.
Would have to say you seem to be in the minority of well.....one actually on this particular thread!!

Bubby

Mojisola wrote: »

From 25th October 2010, the Government expects lone parents of 7 year olds to be job hunting so I don't think this reason will stand up.

This is the bit that I have hi lighted, this only applies to new parents on "income support" and those parents with children in primary school are allowed to specify that they are only able to work within the school hours Monday to Friday. Your comment is also irrelevent as far as this case is concerned as there is spousal maintenance involved which will prevent the wife from claiming income support.

OP - I would sit down with your wife or if this is impossible I would email her a letter outlining your best "offer" and telling her that this is the highest amount you are happy to pay. Inform her that if she is not happy with this then you will have no other choice than to go down the solicitor route and this will not only cost you both alot of money but she could end up much worse off.

If you can keep things are amicable as possible this is the best gift that you could give your children from this divorce, I know of so many fathers that feel that once they leave the children should just lump the fact that they have to live like paupers when they have lived like princes and I find that behaviour very spiteful and very damaging to your relationship with your children. That doesn't mean you should be giving away everything just trying to find a balance, I am sure that your wife has "paid" her way in your marriage too with raising the children and probably feels just as scared as you do about what the future will hold for her with the added worry of knowing that she is the parent with care. It is very easy for divorce to bring out the worst in people, it is a huge adjustment for everyone involved and can make people very defensive.

Giraffe5021

Bubby - agree totally and I hope it has come through in my posts in no uncertain terms that is exactly what I am trying to do. I have no doubt that we are BOTH scared and concerned for the future. But as you absolutely coirrectly point out there has to be a balanced settlement - not one that leaves the other party on the bread line. I think my proposal (and the consensus on this thread would appear to agree) that the proposal I have made is fair and reasonable. The last thing I would ever want to do is hurt my children. It should also be considred that the proposal I have made will mean me having to remain on the mortgage. This means that I will never ne able to have a mortgage in my own right and therefore will never be able to own a property. Whilst less than ideal that is something I am happy to do because it is in the interests of my childrens welfare

Spendless

dirtysexymonkey wrote: »

this lazy cow needs to get off her !!!! and look for a job if she wants a particular lifestyle, not sponge off of her ex husband!

I think she has one from this comment.

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

Nett effect of this for ex is by the time she has CSA maintenance, spousal maintenance, salary, working / child tax credit and child benefit she will have nett income equivalent to £50k gross pa.

My guess is its part-time due to the youngest being 8 and is possibly the reason the solicitor has said spousal maintainance will be for a max of 5 years which takes 8 yo upto being at secondary school and allows some time for gaining qualifications/progressing up career ladder/working more hours.I should imagine someone earning £80k has had to put in a lot of working hours to get to that point. I know how many hours my DH does for just over half that salary (which is also a good wage). I also know my DH couldn't have put the time and effort in to his job when we had kids if I hadn't been on hand 24/7 for them whilst he progressed.

I too think the OP should stop paying the utility and sky bills. I don't think is unreasonable to expect these bills to come out of the resident parents salary plus top up benefits.

Bubby

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

Bubby - agree totally and I hope it has come through in my posts in no uncertain terms that is exactly what I am trying to do.

Yes it has and I think that is very admirable. I am sure that once your wife realises that doing it the hard way will result in her losing out she will come to her senses