Divorce / csa / spousal maintenance

Bubby

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

Strained would be one word!!
She just cant see that 2 homes cannot be run out of same pot of money to the same standard.
I think I got to go back to solicitor.
Mediation may resolve itself but I am getting totally scr*wed!!

Unfortunately they tend to look at the children's lives being of the same standard not you or your wifes:o

Speak to your solicitor again, there is a difference between being fair and being scr*wed over

Marisco

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

Strained would be one word!!
She just cant see that 2 homes cannot be run out of same pot of money to the same standard.
I think I got to go back to solicitor.
Mediation may resolve itself but I am getting totally scr*wed!!

Mediator mentioned this legal principle of ex being entitled to 30% of total joint income. Never heard of it. And surely her benefits must count as income??

This is what a lot of ex's cannot get to grips with!!! They expect the same standard of living, as if you were still together. Which is ridiculous!!! Both parties have to realise, with the best will in the world, it cannot be done! You are not liable for utilities, or any other bills (apart from joint mortgage) in the house i.e Sky, phones etc, and if a "legal bod" told you that I'd change solicitors sharpish!! All you are liable for is 25% maintenance payments and any joint debts you have. I don't see why she is claiming spousal maintenance, is she incapable of working and keeping herself? The kids are not that young!!!

You need to get a lawyer who specialises in divorce, and will be "on your side". I appreciate you want to do the best for the kids (and makes a refreshing change ) but it does sound, from what you have posted, that she is intent of grabbing as much as she can, and is not fussed whether you can manage or not.

RAS

Giraffe5021 wrote: »

Strained would be one word!!
She just cant see that 2 homes cannot be run out of same pot of money to the same standard.
I think I got to go back to solicitor.
Mediation may resolve itself but I am getting totally scr*wed!!

Mediator mentioned this legal principle of ex being entitled to 30% of total joint income. Never heard of it. And surely her benefits must count as income??

I absolutely agree. And I am surprised at your income; I assumed from your comments that you were seriously loaded.

Can I refer you to this http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

What I suggest you do for yourself first and maybe share (with the mediator and your solicitor) is to do an SOA but adapt it slightly. Copy the expenditure section so you have two - one labelled personal and one labelled family

Put your personal household costs in the personal section.

Under family list all the things you pay toward the family home and make that explicit - Maintenance - CT for 1 Acacia Avenue, Maintenance - SkyTV for 1 Accaia avenue.

You need to total each section individually and then sum both to get your total expenditure.

Then do the debts as normal.

Does you budget balance?

If not, something has to give.

In most divorces the PWC gets CSA/maintenance and is then wholly responsible for paying all the costs of the household with the children.

You may not want your childrens' livestyle to change but in the aftermath of a marriage breakdown, it has to because the money will not fund two households at the same standard

Bubby

Marisco wrote: »

This is what a lot of ex's cannot get to grips with!!! They expect the same standard of living, as if you were still together. Which is ridiculous!!!
I think that for alot of remaining parents their first priority is the children and whilst the parents understand that there are sacrifices to be made it is alot for children to cope with
Both parties have to realise, with the best will in the world, it cannot be done! You are not liable for utilities, or any other bills (apart from joint mortgage) in the house i.e Sky, phones etc, and if a "legal bod" told you that I'd change solicitors sharpish!! All you are liable for is 25% maintenance payments and any joint debts you have. I don't see why she is claiming spousal maintenance, is she incapable of working and keeping herself? The kids are not that young!!!
Be fair, the woman has an 8 year old who will still be in primary school, have you tried finding a job that fits around those hours? Not easy! In the current climate this is something a judge would take into consideration

You need to get a lawyer who specialises in divorce, and will be "on your side". I appreciate you want to do the best for the kids (and makes a refreshing change ) but it does sound, from what you have posted, that she is intent of grabbing as much as she can, and is not fussed whether you can manage or not.

I would try really hard to make things as amicable as you can, if she fights you all the way you will see your entire pot of money going down the toilet very quickly which will be very sad for you both. I would still recommend that you look to change your mediator or ask why they are making these suggestions

Mojisola

Bubby wrote: »

Be fair, the woman has an 8 year old who will still be in primary school, have you tried finding a job that fits around those hours? Not easy! In the current climate this is something a judge would take into consideration.

From 25th October 2010, the Government expects lone parents of 7 year olds to be job hunting so I don't think this reason will stand up.

Marisco

No, I don't suppose it is easy, but my granddaughter is a single mum and has a 3year old and she works. Yes, she does have a flaff on juggling things, but manages. Why should the op's ex expect a lifetime mealticket? I wouldn't want to be beholden to my ex, money for the kids certainly, but not for the adults!! She should be pleased he's paying maintenance for the kids, the board is full of stories of useless NRP's who won't pay a thing!!!

Marker_2

I have no advice as such, but just wanted to say how admirable I think you are.

Alot of people are saying you should stop paying the utilities and extras such as sky. But as you have said you are trying to keep things as relatively normal for the kids as possible, little things like keeping the sky will do it (as lame as that sounds).

When my parents divorced, my life went upside down, my mother was a SAHM as my father was the earner, and had a very high income, we lived a luxury life. When they split my father stopped paying for everything, and my home, as what happens in most splits was sold. My mother couldnt afford to keep things "normal" for us on benefits, even when she got a job a few months later, it was no where near enough to keep the standard of life we were acustom too.

So again, I think you are very admirable in what you are doing. I dont know why you split up, whos fault it was if there is any blame to be had.

JLL

I think you will realise as time goes by after the divorce that you will feel that the more you pay you'll realise that your paying for her hair to be done every 6 weeks and your kids are turning up in clothes that don't fit them. Where is your money really going. It will start to p**s you off and make you angry. Why are you paying for sky it is a luxury you can't afford for yourself.

Get yourself a good solictor it will cost you now, but you'll be better off in the long run. If you don't she'll want your pension as well. A good solictor will stop that happening. Your obviously a good dad but she obviously has pound signs in her eyes. Remember you have to have a decent home to so your kids can come and stay overnight and the more nights they stay with you the less maintenance you pay

princessdreamer

Marker wrote: »

I have no advice as such, but just wanted to say how admirable I think you are.

Alot of people are saying you should stop paying the utilities and extras such as sky. But as you have said you are trying to keep things as relatively normal for the kids as possible, little things like keeping the sky will do it (as lame as that sounds).

When my parents divorced, my life went upside down, my mother was a SAHM as my father was the earner, and had a very high income, we lived a luxury life. When they split my father stopped paying for everything, and my home, as what happens in most splits was sold. My mother couldnt afford to keep things "normal" for us on benefits, even when she got a job a few months later, it was no where near enough to keep the standard of life we were acustom too.

So again, I think you are very admirable in what you are doing. I dont know why you split up, whos fault it was if there is any blame to be had.

This is why the only thing I am fighting for is our home. I never care about seeing a penny off ex, just the right to stay in the house till youngest is 18 and I pay all the bills myself.

Giraffe5021

Have finally got round to logging back in.
Have had a hell of a day - and whilst not wishing to sound a complete woose I am just totally stressed out by the whole thing. I have worked out the financials - I got spreadsheets coming out of my ears - and on the offer I made after all the ex marital home bills are paid (and remember I know what they all are cos I am paying them all!!) my offer would have left her with £50 per day for food / clothes / petrol etc and I really dont think this is unfair.
Hardly slept last night with the worry of it all and just feel totally exhausted today. Was up at 2,5 and 7am this morning out in the back garden having a cigarette (no lectures please!!) wondering what the hell to do.
Was seeing specialist divorce lawyer but ex suggested mediation as quicker cheaper way of resoliving it so seemed like the logical option to go. I turn up with all the financials set out in spreadsheets and ex just mocks me and says how ridiculous - I cant see how we can make financial progress unless all parties are aware of the full financial situation. I regret that if sensible progress cannot be made it will be back to the solicitor to do it the hard and expensive way.
I want to thank you all for your supportive comments - as the NRP I am trying desperately to do the right thing.
As Marker said when when parents split the childrens lives get turned upside down and I am trying SO hard for this not to happen.
That said I now feel totally on the edge and frankly not sure how much more of this I can take.