PLEASE HELP - How to let a dying man down gently

cjj_2

Hi
My oh has recently got quite friendly with a man who had been told around March time that he only had 2 months to live. Even though neither of us had known him that long we were devasted for the poor man. He is a lovely person and this came as quite a shock to everyone. Anyway as the months rolled by he has started visiting our house more and more. He has a wife and 3 grown up kids but I dont think they are showing him much compassion. For the past month he has been at ours an awful lot, sometimes not leaving until 11.30 pm. When he leaves my oh then has to pop in the bath as he has a dirty job. Last night when the man was over I said to oh "jump in the bath before it goes cold" and I really thought he would leave at that point but he sat and waited. Ive had to start serving tea when he leaves too as he has such a big appetite and we are on a tight budget. Sometimes by the time he has left my oh is past it and does not want tea. He often brings his 2 dogs to visit too and I also have a dog so it can get quite hetic. We have 2 kids and I also have severe ocd and have started to worry about the effects of his chemo on my family. On his notes I noticed it said about avoiding sharing toilets etc for a week after chemo and he is usually back at ours after 2 days. This makes me feel sick with worry. Sometimes when we have been out all day he turns up 5 mins after we get home and shares our tea with us. I have said to oh he must sort this out as we could have years of this and he just says he cant say anything to him. I do understand why he feels like that and I feel like a really bad person. However I told oh I dont mind him visiting a couple of times a week for an hour or so but I am so tired of entertaining all the time. Sorry for the long post. Can anyone help the last thing I would want is to upset this lovely man I would not be able to sleep if I did. TIA x

cjj_2

Forgot to add he spends a large part of day at my oh work with him and often comes straight home from work with him too. x

Bella79

Hi,

This is such a difficult sitaution, i feel sorry for you, i really do. Tbh i would just have to tell him something along the line of " we care about you and think a lot of your , your welcome to visit, but to be honest at the moment we need a little more family time". Its such difficult thing to get right, but i dont think you can carry on like this.

Does he feel unloved by his family?, what does his wife say about all the time hes spending with you? could you speak to her?

bluenoseam

Firstly his notes are correct, avoiding using communal toilets is something of a smart move, but it's not for YOUR health - it's for his, that's not a slight on cleanliness either, it's more that a bug for you or anyone else would be nothing, but for someone on chemotherapy is potentially life threatening, you won't "catch" anything from someone undergoing chemo unless there is a failing in the delivery method. (and had he been given chemotherapy where this was likely to occur he'd also have a contamination containment kit) I have no doubt that your OCD triggers such a fear of any danger to anyone else of chemo along with a misunderstanding of the advice given in his notes, the misunderstanding however i don't see as irrational as "the talk" would have been given to him & his immediate family as to exactly what the guidelines mean.

I do however feel that he's using your OH as his support network, that much i can understand fully if his own family are struggling to cope (believe it or not for a cancer patient one of the worst things is having to watch your family watch you go through it - it's a very difficult thing to do), however i think you do need to knock it on the head a bit, if for nothing else than the fact if he's going home at near midnight it's likely to be as destructive for him as it is good for him. Perhaps you or OH could have a word with his family to say that you feel he should spend a bit more time with them - if what you've said is right and it is terminal i think they'd appreciate the time with him (i know i cherish the fact that when Dad was going through it we spent time with him) and it's less likely to appear like you're heartlessly saying "we don't think you should be here so much".

One of the benefits of having been "the family" and "the patient" is that i can understand the feelings of both (a position i'd rather not be in, but hey, that's life!) i think this man sounds very afraid of what he's facing - i have tried for 2 years to put into words what it feels like to go through cancer treatment and i can say with hand on heart that i'll never be able to really get over the thoughts and emotions that run through your head. I think he sees OH as someone who is supporting him through the tough times who he can maybe speak to since his family are clearly also suffering with the process of taking in what's happening, unfortunately that's a failing of a few things inclusive of a proper support network from the hospital (who should be able to offer support groups - which are as much for the family & friends as they are for the patient). Just try to be as tactfull as you can be & understand that what OH is actually doing probably means the world to this guy and is something that not a lot of people would be able to do, believe me, when people know you've got cancer you'd be surprised how few people can actually cope on a mental level with talking to you!

newcook

as he seems to rely on your OH for support could he not say to the chap 'rather than go to mine shall we go to yours?' then OH can leave when he wants and your house isnt being invaded.

cjj_2

Firstly thankyou so much for the speedy replies

Bella79 we do not know his wife and to be honest when my oh telephoned him at home 2 weeks ago he was told by the wife that he was in hospital but they did not know where. An hour later we got a phone call for oh to go pick him up from an out of town hospital. His ds I believe has pinched at least £2000 of his money last month so I think there are problems at home.
Bluenoseam Your reply has really touched me and I am so sorry for everything you have been through. I really appreciated your advise on this as you clearly understand the subject very well. I wish you all the best with everything and thank you for taking the time to reply. I thought what I had read reguarding the chemo said it is the patients body fluids which can be harmful to others due to the toxins from treatment. Therefor it says you must wear gloves to clean toilet etc, however my lads are alway peeing on the rim and wiping it with loo roll which is making me worry if they follow him to the toilet. I hope I am wrong about this and with the ocd I do realise a lot of my fears are irrational. Thanks again xx

cjj_2

Thanks newcook I have a feeling he is wanting to get away from his house and it would be a bit awkward as we dont know the family. It is an idea I had not thought of though x

jonty1970

Poor man
But poor you, as you are having to deal with this.
I have had family members, who thought our home was an "open house" and used it as a drop in center!
You know when you say to them "pop round anytime" and they take that literally :mad:

I blew my top one day and told them off - made a complete show of myself - after bottling it up for months and sitting there, same as you, late at night, kids in bed, meal cooked (which they also didn't take as time to go)

Don't do what I did and sort it now. Your OH needs to tell him he can't keep coming round. You need to relax in your own home in peace.

Tell him you are having a few problems and need him to stay away.
Maybe say he can come just on a Saturday and leave at a set time .

You have to be firm and tell him it's time to go though, as he will sit and sit and take root on your armchair.

Some people have a really thick skin and won't take the hint!

He does have a family of his own, and they are his problem, not yours.

Amanda65

What a difficult situation for you and your OH and how terribly sad for the man concerned that he does not want to spend as much time as possible with his family.

At the risk of being flamed here, if he was told in March he had 2 months to live (and fantastic if he is still able to carry on relatively normally, ie not bedridden 6 months after the prognosis) is he really as ill as he has said or is there a possibility he is being somewhat economical with the truth to get him out of a horrible situation at home? I (thankfully) have very little experience of cancer but those I do know who have been going through treatment have had very little appetite (you mention this man eats a lot) and sadly when a prognosis has been given it was fairly accurate time wise . As I say I could be completely barking up the wrong tree - and will feel awful if I am - but something doesn't seem to tally.

Also you say he is often at your OH's work - does he work with him or just turn up. In which case what do OH's employers think about this?

I do think though that you and OH are being incredibly kind and sympathetic and if he is as ill as you believe am sure you are bringing him great comfort.

jonty1970

Amanda65 wrote: »

What a difficult situation for you and your OH and how terribly sad for the man concerned that he does not want to spend as much time as possible with his family.

At the risk of being flamed here, if he was told in March he had 2 months to live (and fantastic if he is still able to carry on relatively normally, ie not bedridden 6 months after the prognosis) is he really as ill as he has said or is there a possibility he is being somewhat economical with the truth to get him out of a horrible situation at home? I (thankfully) have very little experience of cancer but those I do know who have been going through treatment have had very little appetite (you mention this man eats a lot) and sadly when a prognosis has been given it was fairly accurate time wise . As I say I could be completely barking up the wrong tree - and will feel awful if I am - but something doesn't seem to tally.

Also you say he is often at your OH's work - does he work with him or just turn up. In which case what do OH's employers think about this?

I do think though that you and OH are being incredibly kind and sympathetic and if he is as ill as you believe am sure you are bringing him great comfort.

I thought the same There is something wrong at home. Why don't his family worry where he is?
I would want to spend every minute with a loved one, if they were ill

pinkmoo

Something seems to be amiss here... I know it's difficult to predict a life span with cancer, but if he's terminal and only had 2 months to live don't they stop treatment? When my granddad was near the end it was all about the pain management, not chemo or anything. Also if the Dr's gave him such a short time surely he would be pretty bed ridden by that point?

I don't think there is a full story here... that's not pointed at you btw, maybe this man has "Exaggerated" his illness because of his strained home life?