Would you ask your son to leave home?

Bumpmakesfour

How have things been over the weekend OP?Has he turned up at home yet or still holed up at his GFs?

neverdespairgirl

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Racyred

whilst I can understand the point you make, at what point in a child's life is it reasonable to expect them to help around the house and NOT get paid for it?

At all ages, I reckon.

A 2 year old can, and should, put his toys away, or put his dirty clothes in the washing basket.

A 33 year old (like me) can and should help out as necessary and useful when staying with her parents for Christmas / Easter / holidays.

jellyhead

The_Rizler wrote: »

Hi Victory,

I know a man like your son... he's 44.

Fingers crossed for you tho, sometimes if you've tried everything then trying nothing seems like the next logical thing to do.

All the best
Riz

I know a man like that too, and his nephew is the same ... nothing is good enough, everything is somebody else's fault, always moaning, it's not FAIR!

I think some people have the 'glass half full' personality type and it will take some work to try to change that.

Victory's son (I often confuse Victory and Viktory, arrrgh!) sounds quite needy, has he got special needs victory?

I know everyone's saying get tough with him but I actually feel quite sorry for him (but I know that if he lived in my house I'd be feeling like throwing him out, lol!).

jellyhead

Bennifred wrote: »

I still say STOP THE SUBS - why are you paying for anything other than the roof over his head and food, when he is so ungrateful and unappreciative? You're rewarding him for poor behaviour!

I think the opposite

Football subs are very different from giving him money for sweets or cinema. Teenagers need exercise and sport is good for the hormones etc.

I think paying for football subs is no different from paying for a small child to take swimming lessons or music lessons. It's good for them, it keeps them off the streets and having an interest may lead to a career.

My son's on the fringes of a 'bad crowd' who do nothing. The main difference as far as I can tell between the 'hardcore' of the crowd who are always drunk or hungover, doing stupid things like making youtube videos of them setting fire to their clothes, hurting each other etc. and those who are part of the large group of friends but very rarely sleep over etc. is hobbies.

Kids who have a sports or music lesson, or volunteering or a part time job or whatever to do on a Saturday morning, who have something to go to such as duke of edinburgh on a school night, the gym etc. are far less likely to fall into the trap of 'nothing else to do so I may as well get drunk, have sex, hang around with the 'bad crowd 24/7 etc.

The football subs are, in my humble opinion, a good idea.

But don't give him money for spending at the shop, because that's a 'reward'.

jellyhead

Caroline_a wrote: »

Why on earth can't teenagers get their own jobs these days?? My 3 girls all managed to find themselves jobs, the oldest 2 when they were just 14, with no help from anyone.


Ask yourself, parents of teenagers. Did your parents get jobs for you, or did you do it yourself?

Parents, grandparents and their friends would hear about job opportunities and pass the information on, so I suppose we got a helping hand that way. My gran told me when the shop near her was advertising paper rounds, for example.

Nobody ever talked to the manager on my behalf or anything like that, but my mum walked me down to one interview and pointed out the building for me. Nowadays I suppose she could tell me to google it

I don't think Victory should go with her son to where GF works or point out the manager to him. GF can do that when she finishes work one day if necessary, but he can probably do it for himself.

They manage it all for themselves when they are 14 and doing work experience at school. They have to find the workplace, get to an interview etc. and nobody goes with their mum ...

jellyhead

victory wrote: »

He certainly does not act like a man at times, his behaviour could be terrible twos :rotfl:

The teenage brain is similar to a 2 year old's brain, apparently. James May mentioned it in his recent 'things you need to know' (or something like that) series.

At this age the brain goes mad making loads of new connections. They have tantrums or you ask a question and just get a blank look or a grunt.

I did a parenting course and the leader (because I'd said that my 5 year old was fine, it was the teenager having tantrums) brought in a poster for me about 'THE TEENAGE BRAIN' ... he and his cousin found it hailariuos and made a horror movie poster based on it

BitterAndTwisted

Even though Victory's son sounds unbelievably horrible and ungrateful I would not be tempted to show him the door until he has finished his studies. I would continue to pay for his football subs but absolutely nothing else until he either earns his own spends or shows a complete change in attitude. To think that he could just decamp to his g/f's parent's home is just daft. I wouldn't take on someone else's teenager and house them for nothing and I doubt that they would either. If they would, they are more foolish than they sound.

esmy

I think chucking a teenager out, particularly one still at school, is perhaps a bit of an over reaction in these circumstances. It seems to me that you want him to change his behaviour - chucking him out may well just feed his 'hard done to' stance and give him 'proof' that he is.
OP you seem to assume that GFs family will take him in - what if they don't? Do you want him to keep up his studies, keep his football on etc? If you do you'll be taking a major risk in kicking him out that he won't manage this on his own and from what you say he's nowhere near capable of managing an independent life. To kick him out with the intention that he comes back with his tail between his legs to me is game playing and could potentially cause a lot of distress along the way.
Yes he's being a PITA - it's sometimes the nature of the beast. I'm with the broken record suggestion and I've used the 'I'm not discussing it' line with mine from them being little. They whine for a bit but eventually give up as long as you don't cave in.
Till he's earning his own money you and OH are in charge of the finances and what you say goes. Don't discuss it anymore - get him whatever you see fit for his 18th. Don't expect gratitude for all you've done for him - that comes along much later and sometimes only when they have their own kids and discover what it takes to be a parent.

Mojisola

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

Even though Victory's son sounds unbelievably horrible and ungrateful I would not be tempted to show him the door until he has finished his studies. I would continue to pay for his football subs but absolutely nothing else until he either earns his own spends or shows a complete change in attitude. To think that he could just decamp to his g/f's parent's home is just daft. I wouldn't take on someone else's teenager and house them for nothing and I doubt that they would either. If they would, they are more foolish than they sound.

While he's still at school, the GF's parents would be able to claim Child Benefit for him and go to the CSA to get child maintenance from victory and her OH.

jellyhead

victory wrote: »

OH and I have discussed it again, we agree a monthly allowance, happy people, a monthly allowance inclusive of his football subs, when he gets in he will be sat down and agreed a sum, monthly on the 1st day of each month to last for the month and as someone said to be treated as if he was an employer-no sob stories just the amount each month, taken off when he does get a job not indefinete.

This is great, but further on I see you changed your mind I don't understand why the youngest gets £2 a week but the eldest doesn't, tbh.

The monthly allowance is not just a reward, there are all kinds of psychological reasons why it would be good for both him and the rest of the family.

To be honest I can sort of understand his 'what's the point' attitude towards a pay as you go phone or a provisional license - if he doesn't get an allowance then he has no control over what he can do with those things.

If you said you feel like giving him nothing for his birthday, that's why he has told GF's parents that he's not getting driving lessons off you.

I understand that you're angry he's been moaning about how unfair you are etc. behind your back but maybe GF's parents have been telling him he'll have a better chance at employment if he can learn to drive?

The provisional license and a few lessons is an excellent 18th present, much more practical than a holiday or a party. It looks, to an outsider, as if GF's parents have been able to convince him to go for something manageable than the wildly expensive things he's been after. It sounds reasonable to me (but when mine is that age I will probably be starting similar threads!).

If he goes to uni this time next year you've only got him until then (and he doesn't need an allowance after that!!) ... not long to wait, no need to kick him out just yet ...

How did the interview go?