really need to ask for help about vile neighbour

*Robin*

catalina66 wrote: »

I'm actually very surprised and grateful that, in the middle of all of this chaos, I found out that I qualify for a bungalow, even though I'm only 45. My dream has been to get out of living in flats, and so much awful stuff has happened at this flat ... I'm very grateful and relieved at the prospect of moving

Catalina, I've just read through your thread. As a great believer in avoiding confrontation if possible - especially if it impacts adversely on health - in your position I would just be pushing for a move to a bungalow. Some people cannot live happily when stacked vertically even if they have the most considerate neighbours in the world (including me!).

Another poster suggested getting in touch with the Adult Services Team. They could write a letter supporting your move, as could your GP.

It sounds like you've got more than enough on your plate coming to terms with what happened in your past, you really don't need this conflict with your neighbour. It doesn't matter who is to blame, the best result for you would be if you can move into more suitable accommodation. A bungalow sounds ideal for you, as you've said you have mobility problems. If I was in your position, I'd be on the 'phone to the housing department pdq.

Don't worry about your flat needing re-decorating. Either the council will do it or the next tenant can choose their own colour scheme (which most people prefer).

If you can make progress towards a move yourself, that would be a good reason to get the meeting on the 21st cancelled (rather than 'the slot left open' which will go against you if you don't turn up).

Other posters have said 'why do you have to move, it should be the neighbour?' - generally I'd agree, but in your case OP, I honestly think it would be much better for you to grab the chance of a bungalow and get away from the flats. Let your successor deal with the neighbour.

catalina66

*Robin* wrote: »

Catalina, I've just read through your thread. As a great believer in avoiding confrontation if possible - especially if it impacts adversely on health - in your position I would just be pushing for a move to a bungalow. Some people cannot live happily when stacked vertically even if they have the most considerate neighbours in the world (including me!).

Another poster suggested getting in touch with the Adult Services Team. They could write a letter supporting your move, as could your GP.

It sounds like you've got more than enough on your plate coming to terms with what happened in your past, you really don't need this conflict with your neighbour. It doesn't matter who is to blame, the best result for you would be if you can move into more suitable accommodation. A bungalow sounds ideal for you, as you've said you have mobility problems. If I was in your position, I'd be on the 'phone to the housing department pdq.

Don't worry about your flat needing re-decorating. Either the council will do it or the next tenant can choose their own colour scheme (which most people prefer).

If you can make progress towards a move yourself, that would be a good reason to get the meeting on the 21st cancelled (rather than 'the slot left open' which will go against you if you don't turn up).

Other posters have said 'why do you have to move, it should be the neighbour?' - generally I'd agree, but in your case OP, I honestly think it would be much better for you to grab the chance of a bungalow and get away from the flats. Let your successor deal with the neighbour.

Thanks so much Robin ... truly done me good to read your post and your advice is 100% helpful to me.

Thank you so much for advising about a letter from my doctor too ... I hadn't thought of that, or about leaving the decorating for the council/next tenant to do ... as long as the place is clean and tidy, then I should pass the inspection for moving fine, and with my health as it is the council won't be surprised I haven't been able to decorate.

The council manager has this morning emailed also to say that they are arranging about social services, which was quite a surprise. I'd emailed yesterday to say I was too distressed about the meeting and could they advise any support, and that I was seeing that I may well need to try to get a social worker.

You're totally right, as I too prefer no confrontation and a bungalow would be heaven on earth for me, and I just want to leave this place and heal. You're right about leaving the successor to deal with the neighbour too!

I've been heartbroken for over a day, and you've shone a ray of sunshine ... thanks so much.

Best regards, Cat

poet123

catalina66 wrote: »

I am truly sad to hear you do some counselling ... I am trained and very experienced all my life at carework in many areas ... the sessions must be dire, as a counsellor is supposed to be non judgemental, fair, not criticise someone raped and suffering and being abused and now bullied even more. Parading around ... 'thanks folks' ... this is bullying, not a kind concerned counsellor, and this thread is reported.

I am sorry, but I do feel the need to respond to the accusation above and the attack on my professional integrity. My comments were in no way bullying, they were couched in such a way as to get the message across whilst showing the sympathy which I do feel for your situation. The fact that you did not agree with or wish to take those points on-board does not make them wrong, or make me a bully. Nor did I criticise you, I merely asked you to take a step or two back and look at the bigger picture.

If you are a trained counsellor (as you imply)you will know there is a fine line between listening to and agreeing with a client and actually serving the purpose of the job, which is to help them understand their issues and find coping mechanisms to deal with them. That was my intent.

The phrase "thanks folks" was to thank those who had thanked my posts and also defended me against your unwarranted and very personal character assassination, and who had seen my posts for what they were; and attempt to give you a broader perspective which I thought may help.

I am really sorry you took my posts in the manner you did, as that certainly was not the intent behind them. I am also very sorry for your situation, and for the real problems you find yourself dealing with. However, I could not let your accusations go unanswered, even though they could be clearly seen by anyone who read my posts to be without foundation. I really hope you get the help you need, and that the issue mentioned in the OP is soon resolved.

rachbc

FWIW Poet i think you posts were tactful, empathetic and very helpful and the response they drew was completely unwarranted.

OP - rather than focus on what hasn't happened perhaps a better approach would be to think of some positive solutions to the issues you are expereincing - you say you need 'help' and 'support' and list what is wrong but what exactly do you want the outcome to be? Do you want to be moved? Do you want your neighbour to be moved? Do you want a fence/ gate/ soundproofing installing so you can both continue to live there without upsetting each other. If you can't/ won't attend meetings/ record noise levels how do YOU suggest this is progressed so the council have the evidence they need to take things further?

catalina66

poet123 wrote: »

I am sorry, but I do feel the need to respond to the accusation above and the attack on my professional integrity. My comments were in no way bullying, they were couched in such a way as to get the message across whilst showing the sympathy which I do feel for your situation. The fact that you did not agree with or wish to take those points on-board does not make them wrong, or make me a bully. Nor did I criticise you, I merely asked you to take a step or two back and look at the bigger picture.

If you are a trained counsellor (as you imply)you will know there is a fine line between listening to and agreeing with a client and actually serving the purpose of the job, which is to help them understand their issues and find coping mechanisms to deal with them. That was my intent.

The phrase "thanks folks" was to thank those who had thanked my posts and also defended me against your unwarranted and very personal character assassination, and who had seen my posts for what they were; and attempt to give you a broader perspective which I thought may help.

I am really sorry you took my posts in the manner you did, as that certainly was not the intent behind them. I am also very sorry for your situation, and for the real problems you find yourself dealing with. However, I could not let your accusations go unanswered, even though they could be clearly seen by anyone who read my posts to be without foundation. I really hope you get the help you need, and that the issue mentioned in the OP is soon resolved.

I repeat, I reported the thread and you. I was clearly distressed by what you were saying and you just kept on, ignoring that, as you are now.

catalina66

rachbc wrote: »

FWIW Poet i think you posts were tactful, empathetic and very helpful and the response they drew was completely unwarranted.

OP - rather than focus on what hasn't happened perhaps a better approach would be to think of some positive solutions to the issues you are expereincing - you say you need 'help' and 'support' and list what is wrong but what exactly do you want the outcome to be? Do you want to be moved? Do you want your neighbour to be moved? Do you want a fence/ gate/ soundproofing installing so you can both continue to live there without upsetting each other. If you can't/ won't attend meetings/ record noise levels how do YOU suggest this is progressed so the council have the evidence they need to take things further?

My opening post shows I am asking for help about how to get help from the council and not jeopardise the move I so clearly want and need. I CAN'T attend meetings without support, and why is very obvious and clearly explained. I have a number of times also clearly explained that the noise is very unpredictable noise that is difficult to record, but that I have kept records of any problems ... noise is only one aspect of the problems, clearly. And I just posted that the council are progressing things by getting me a social worker, that they are being better with me, I think with the view that I may be able to then attend a meeting with them. Two posts above yours I'd already answered your questions, in my answer to Robin.

poet123

catalina66 wrote: »

I repeat, I reported the thread and you. I was clearly distressed by what you were saying and you just kept on, ignoring that, as you are now.

I made two posts, both of which you thanked. My third post got an unwarranted response which I felt entitled to comment on. From there you moved onto make accusations, which again, I felt compelled to address. In all of my posts I have taken great pains to be both polite and sympathetic, however, I reserve the right to answer any unfair critic.

catalina66

poet123 wrote: »

I made two posts, both of which you thanked. My third post got an unwarranted response which I felt entitled to comment on. From there you moved onto make accusations, which again, I felt compelled to address. In all of my posts I have taken great pains to be both polite and sympathetic, however, I reserve the right to answer any unfair critic.

I was so obviously distressed I was telling you to leave me alone ... "just kept on, ignoring that, as you are now" ... all about you.

The first thing in counselling is to make sure a person feels safe and understood, not attacked and distressed, and that repeatedly ignored. And to only take the viewpoint of the person who's hurt me, with no concern that that was obviously harmful and unsupportive to me ...

Errata

catalina66 wrote: »

I was so obviously distressed I was telling you to leave me alone ... "just kept on, ignoring that, as you are now" ... all about you.

The first thing in counselling is to make sure a person feels safe and understood, not attacked and distressed, and that repeatedly ignored. And to only take the viewpoint of the person who's hurt me, with no concern that that was obviously harmful and unsupportive to me ...

I don't feel Poet was 'taking the viewpoint' of your neighbour, but simply trying to shed some light on another viewpoint.
That's not taking sides, it's looking at things in the round.

catalina66

Errata wrote: »

I don't feel Poet was 'taking the viewpoint' of your neighbour, but simply trying to shed some light on another viewpoint.
That's not taking sides, it's looking at things in the round.

... not taking the viewpoint of the neighbour, yet 'shedding some light on another viewpoint' ... same thing ...

"The first thing in counselling is to make sure a person feels safe and understood, not attacked and distressed, and that repeatedly ignored. And to only take the viewpoint of the person who's hurt me, with no concern that that was obviously harmful and unsupportive to me ..."

This thread refers to very severe rape/abuse, to bullying that is making my home extremely miserable and unhealthy, to extreme upset and clear need to move in order to heal and have good health ... why is it becoming all about one person's determination to be right?