really need to ask for help about vile neighbour

poet123

catalina66 wrote: »

Hi Ras
She reported me for crying a lot, for shouting ... I realised she must mean nightmares, and put a note through saying I have nightmares, as sometimes when I wake I can tell I've been crying and sometimes wake shouting out. I also told the council of all this. And she is vile, thus bangs on the floor.

I am sorry for your obvious distress, and maybe the neighbour should be more understanding, but can you not see that if the shouting and crying are loud enough for her to hear, and for her children to hear and possibly be disturbed by, then she too is being inconvenienced. Few of us have a high tolerance for noise in the middle of the night.

I just feel, and I am trying to be helpful here, that you have both become entrenched in your own viewpoints and actions (resulting from issues arising with each other) to see the wood for the trees. I think the Council are trying to be fair to all sides, which you (and she, very probably) see as doing nothing, or worse taking your opponents side.

In order to live together peaceably we all have to make concessions, and because of your issues you probably feel she should perhaps make more than you, she may not be the most caring of neighbours and so not see it that way. You really can only focus on how you perceive her actions, try not to let the noise bother you (kids are unpredictable I am afraid, and sometimes thoughtless) Accept that your nightmares could be disturbing her, and ignore the occasional banging. Let the situation calm down and give yourself some breathing space.

That would be my advice rather than escalating the situation by pursuing the complaint with the council. Get yourself well and whole, ignore this woman, and she will probably do likewise. You will never be the best of friends clearly, but with a little give and take you could live in more harmony than you currently do.

catalina66

Loretta wrote: »

Do you have someone, like a social worker, who could attend this meeting with you? these sort of things an be intimidating for anyone especially as you have already had such a negative response from them

Many thanks Loretta ... I don't have a social worker, but am very seriously now going to see about getting one. Thanks, as, yes, I do feel very intimidated and was absolutely shattered on the day of the one meeting. Thanks for your advice. Getting my thoughts together now about acting to get a social worker, as well as that am going to counselling tomorrow, which will help with that.
Much appreciate advice. Thanks, Cat

Humphrey10

catalina66 wrote: »

There isn't constant music to record ... there is door banging, thumps on the floor, kids suddenly running very loudly up and down the stairs ... things I wouldn't have time to record ... the noise is unpredictable. I have said this clearly.

When they asked you to record the noise, I assume they meant write down what you hear and when you hear it, as this is usually what one does for a noise diary, not record it on a tape recorder.

catalina66

poet123 wrote: »

I am sorry for your obvious distress, and maybe the neighbour should be more understanding, but can you not see that if the shouting and crying are loud enough for her to hear, and for her children to hear and possibly be disturbed by, then she too is being inconvenienced. Few of us have a high tolerance for noise in the middle of the night.

I just feel, and I am trying to be helpful here, that you have both become entrenched in your own viewpoints and actions (resulting from issues arising with each other) to see the wood for the trees. I think the Council are trying to be fair to all sides, which you (and she, very probably) see as doing nothing, or worse taking your opponents side.

In order to live together peaceably we all have to make concessions, and because of your issues you probably feel she should perhaps make more than you, she may not be the most caring of neighbours and so not see it that way. You really can only focus on how you perceive her actions, try not to let the noise bother you (kids are unpredictable I am afraid, and sometimes thoughtless) Accept that your nightmares could be disturbing her, and ignore the occasional banging. Let the situation calm down and give yourself some breathing space.

That would be my advice rather than escalating the situation by pursuing the complaint with the council. Get yourself well and whole, ignore this woman, and she will probably do likewise. You will never be the best of friends clearly, but with a little give and take you could live in more harmony than you currently do.

Hi poet123 ... I have received NO actually EFFECTIVE support about the problems with this neighbour, ever, from the council, that FIXES things ... half-hearted, ineffective, and thus problems go on, then escalate and I've had to put in this complaint ... there is no fairness at all ... and their actions actually appear very clearly to validate the negativity, to support that ... I cannot tolerate that, or cope with hearing anything about how such a deliberately inconsiderate person should be understood.

I'm 'entrenched' in nothing but keep myself to myself, cope, be honest, heal, move ... but am seriously struggling to cope with all of this. Not possible to recover from very serious abuse while being abused, or to move when health so bad and also harmed by all of this.

I HAVE made concessions ... I helped her a lot at the start, was nice to her, gave her a gift when music stopped, was nice to visitors, have not started any arguments or done anything to harm her ... since the problems began, I have detached as much as possible, kept records, and then acted on complaining, as is my right. I am not bothering her, and have been more than fair, never caused her any deliberate misery in her house, explained honestly to anyone concerned. NOTHING has been done to help me FOR REAL or make any clearly vital concessions with me, that actually fix anything, from her or the council ... quite the opposite.

It isn't just about kids; that's probably the least of the problems.
It's not occasional banging ... she always bangs about.
I have every reason to complain, and am not causing trouble or escalating anything by doing so.
I will never be in harmony with someone so cruel and inconsiderate.

I see you are appealing to that I deal with the situation through detaching a lot, as I've said I do ... it's all there is for me to do, as I seek some kind of support and path forward.

Thanks, Cat

catalina66

Humphrey10 wrote: »

When they asked you to record the noise, I assume they meant write down what you hear and when you hear it, as this is usually what one does for a noise diary, not record it on a tape recorder.

Hi Humphrey10 ... it was both things ... they sent diary sheets and offered noise equipment. I thanked them for the diary sheets and have kept records, but declined the noise monitoring equipment, because of the nature of the noise being v difficult to capture, and I couldn't bear the thought of sitting all day trying to record every loud bang I heard. I detach as much as possible, try to get on with moving forward.
Many thanks, Cat

poet123

catalina66 wrote: »

Hi poet123 ... I have received NO actually EFFECTIVE support about the problems with this neighbour, ever, from the council, that FIXES things ... half-hearted, ineffective, and thus problems go on, then escalate and I've had to put in this complaint ... there is no fairness at all ... and their actions actually appear very clearly to validate the negativity, to support that ... I cannot tolerate that, or cope with hearing anything about how such a deliberately inconsiderate person should be understood.

I'm 'entrenched' in nothing but keep myself to myself, cope, be honest, heal, move ... but am seriously struggling to cope with all of this. Not possible to recover from very serious abuse while being abused, or to move when health so bad and also harmed by all of this.

I HAVE made concessions ... I helped her a lot at the start, was nice to her, gave her a gift when music stopped, was nice to visitors, have not started any arguments or done anything to harm her ... since the problems began, I have detached as much as possible, kept records, and then acted on complaining, as is my right. I am not bothering her, and have been more than fair, never caused her any deliberate misery in her house, explained honestly to anyone concerned. NOTHING has been done to help me FOR REAL or make any clearly vital concessions with me, that actually fix anything, from her or the council ... quite the opposite.

It isn't just about kids; that's probably the least of the problems.
It's not occasional banging ... she always bangs about.
I have every reason to complain, and am not causing trouble or escalating anything by doing so.
I will never be in harmony with someone so cruel and inconsiderate.

I see you are appealing to that I deal with the situation through detaching a lot, as I've said I do ... it's all there is for me to do, as I seek some kind of support and path forward.

Thanks, Cat

Ok.....where angels fear to tread and all that jazz!

and their actions actually appear very clearly to validate the negativity, to support that ... I cannot tolerate that, or cope with hearing anything about how such a deliberately inconsiderate person should be understood.

With respect, if the Council believe it is your issues that are making the problems seemed magnified to you, they are in an impossible situation.

Imagine you were completely well with no issues, and you lived next door to someone who had major issues which they expected you to accommodate, understand and accept, something which you did not really understand, or, because of your own problems, have time for, and yet. that person insisted you were to entirely to blame for the tensions between you, how would you feel?

That you have real and tangible issues is not in doubt, and I truly hope that you find the help to get through them. However, the problems which you are having with your neighbour are because of these issues and annoying as she probably is, her "crimes" do not seem so heinous to the council. or others, because they do not have your perspective, or your issues to deal with.

Do you not accept that your nightmares (and I do sympathise with the cause) could be upsetting or disturbing? Can you not see why she bangs on the floor? Is that not "unpredictable" noise, the same type of noise that you complain about? You do not see her issues in any terms other than she is an "unfit mother" do you not think there is a story there? That she has her own demons to deal with?

I suppose what I am saying is that as real as your problems undoubtedly are, and whatever actions you need to take to resolve them, or live with them, you should not forget that others also have issues, problems, and that they act in the way they do because of them, just as you do.

I really am trying to be helpful to your long term mental health when I say that short of moving, which seems an unlikely scenario in the immediate future, you have to let try to understand and accept that she sees your behaviour differently to how you see it, and vice versa, and detach yourself by whatever means.

Not sure how you will take this, but it really is meant constructively, and sympathetically. I sense that you don't have much real contact with people who challenge your perception of events, and that really is not healthy, as it does not provide any balance, or another perspective, which is something we all need, whether we acknowledge that or not when we are in the middle of such difficulty.

I hope it helps, really I do.

catalina66

poet123 wrote: »

Ok.....where angels fear to tread and all that jazz!

and their actions actually appear very clearly to validate the negativity, to support that ... I cannot tolerate that, or cope with hearing anything about how such a deliberately inconsiderate person should be understood.

With respect, if the Council believe it is your issues that are making the problems seemed magnified to you, they are in an impossible situation.

Imagine you were completely well with no issues, and you lived next door to someone who had major issues which they expected you to accommodate, understand and accept, something which you did not really understand, or, because of your own problems, have time for, and yet. that person insisted you were to entirely to blame for the tensions between you, how would you feel?

That you have real and tangible issues is not in doubt, and I truly hope that you find the help to get through them. However, the problems which you are having with your neighbour are because of these issues and annoying as she probably is, her "crimes" do not seem so heinous to the council. or others, because they do not have your perspective, or your issues to deal with.

Do you not accept that your nightmares (and I do sympathise with the cause) could be upsetting or disturbing? Can you not see why she bangs on the floor? Is that not "unpredictable" noise, the same type of noise that you complain about? You do not see her issues in any terms other than she is an "unfit mother" do you not think there is a story there? That she has her own demons to deal with?

I suppose what I am saying is that as real as your problems undoubtedly are, and whatever actions you need to take to resolve them, or live with them, you should not forget that others also have issues, problems, and that they act in the way they do because of them, just as you do.

I really am trying to be helpful to your long term mental health when I say that short of moving, which seems an unlikely scenario in the immediate future, you have to let try to understand and accept that she sees your behaviour differently to how you see it, and vice versa, and detach yourself by whatever means.

Not sure how you will take this, but it really is meant constructively, and sympathetically. I sense that you don't have much real contact with people who challenge your perception of events, and that really is not healthy, as it does not provide any balance, or another perspective, which is something we all need, whether we acknowledge that or not when we are in the middle of such difficulty.

I hope it helps, really I do.

I have to be very direct and say I have never read such a callous uninformed unfactual message.

The FACTS are nightmares BEGAN TO INCREASE LAST AUTUMN, to be a bother. ... directly because of her telling clearly vile cruel lies to the council, and deliberately lying to get my garden wrecked, which any normal human being I have shared with has been horrified at. All the problems with her have gone on for well over 2 years (June 2009).

I am not magnifying any problems. I have never demanded anyone accept, understand and accommodate ... simply to LEAVE ME ALONE, thus the nightmares would abate. I have quietly tried to get on with my life and heal and move ... the nightmares have BECOME a problem because of this person. If she was not so vile in so many OBVIOUS ways, and so DELIBERATELY cruel, then the nightmares would NOT have become a problem.

If YOU were severely raped and abused for years, and somebody knew that, and then ensued to behave in the ways I have detailed totally honestly, KNOWING THEY ARE CAUSING THE NIGHTMARES TO BECOME FAR WORSE ... how would YOU feel? ... would you speak out, would you seek support, would you be deeply upset and find it very difficult to cope and heal, have nightmares and struggle? There but for the grace of God.

I have detailed what I feel this neighbour is responsible for, not lumped all my problems and life into being of her causing. SHE has worsened and caused any problems that were NOT a bother.

How come somebody so severely abused and clearly distressed is now being attacked, not helped, when I am NOT a problem? I have done so much genuine carework in my life, and, if any of you met me, you would know I am a good human being. I KNOW that, and I KNOW I am telling the TRUTH.

How does it help me to bang on the floor when I am having dreadful nightmares because of severe rape and abuse? How is that of any use? I can't bloody stop the nightmares, so why is this person so cruel, when they KNOW the reason and that I can't do anything about it? Why on EARTH are you supporting such cruel action?

I am reporting what I have been told, as simple as that, that someone told me she is not allowed to have her own child there full time ... is that not indication that she is cruel? That is why I said it. I am not fixated on that, simply using what came to me as information to show the truth of the situation. She has demons to deal with because she is a vile cruel liar ... that is HER problem, NOT mine.

I have done carework all my life, treated others with respect and care, and you are utterly inappropriate to say that I am not considering others. As soon as I knew the previous crying could be heard, I did everything I could, at great stress to myself, and with absolute fairness to others, who had NOT told me they could hear me ... as soon as they did, I put things right. That is how I am; always do my best.

Do you have NO comprehension of the real world and how vile people can be? Did you read about the vile lies she told etc? And you gang up to have a go at someone who has been through such abuse and is being genuinely honest ... that is the TRUTH, and, no matter WHAT is said, that is so.

There is nothing constructive or sympathetic here. Your sympathy is clearly with someone who is abusive, and against someone raped/abused/honest. That REALLY is the truth, as God is my witness.

The final straw is you saying I have not been challenged, thus no balance or right perspective ... truly, if you actually knew me, you would know I HAVE been challenged throughout my life, have always listened and learned, have done very good work helping others genuinely, am 100% constantly honest and challenging myself, am totally open to truth and fairness, and live knowing that being very honest is not popular sometimes. IF you had ever been raped and abused you would know that all someone who has gone through that wants is truth, as that IS freedom, IS the healing, IS the way out to a new life. Such shatteredness threw me into an even deeper honesty, and I question everything in the light of true conscience.

LEAVE ME ALONE.
I have reported this thread and particularly you.

poet123

I have commented as I see it, with no malice, you, and others must take from those comments what you choose. I know the intent, but I see clearly I was unwise to comment as you are not in a place to appreciate or take on board those comments. That I am the only one to comment further, to try to help you get some perspective, speaks volumes. They all have more sense than I do.

I wish you well.

catalina66

poet123 wrote: »

I have commented as I see it, with no malice, you, and others must take from those comments what you choose. I know the intent, but I see clearly I was unwise to comment as you are not in a place to appreciate or take on board those comments. That I am the only one to comment further, to try to help you get some perspective, speaks volumes. They all have more sense than I do.

I wish you well.

Clear malice. I always listen and take on board comments that are honest, fair, and that I can learn positively from. You are a bully, not helpful, and I do not need your good wishes or care about anyone's silence ... just bully mentality. How many people have encountered someone corrupt in an organisation, a bully ... in the council maybe? Bullying is a very widespread problem ... this thread is reported.

Kay_Peel

catalina66 wrote: »

I cannot cope emotionally with the meeting, have been upset since the response this morning [STRIKE]and am dealing with extreme rape/abuse trauma and in counselling, [/STRIKE] have to put things in writing to be able to communicate so much stuff clearly. I cannot cope with it, and the only meeting I have had with them was dreadful...... I said to the council that I can't attend the meeting because [STRIKE]the response to the complaint is so unsupportive and untrue. [/STRIKE]


Cat

It might be a good idea to email the person who invited you to the meeting saying exactly what you said to me (above). A meeting would be more than you can bear. You wouldn't be able to cope emotionally and you have difficulty with face-to-face meetings, preferring to write things down. You would like someone to act as a supporter but there is no-one to turn to. What do they suggest as an alternative?

By giving valid and understandable reasons for not wanting to attend the meeting you put the ball back firmly in their court.


Hope that helps!