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Breathing out, I smile – Bringing ZEN to the life of a DFW
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sounds intriguing marruI have a gift for enraging people, but if I ever bore you it'll be with a knife
Louise Brooks
All will be well in the end. If it's not well, it's not the end.Be humble for you are made of earth. Be noble for you are made of stars0 -
You might need to wait for awhile that as I have now hit the wall. One more work day, then it will be D day on Saturday (DD meets her dad) and Sunday please please let me be able to charge my batteries. I end up waking only marginally less tired than I was in the evening when I went to bed and that wears out pretty soon into the day. The word for the moment is: Struggling.
I am bombarded now from all directions. Work is not easing off, cafcass wrote to me about two meetings they want me to go to, DCA completely ignored a letter I sent them and the boiler is going from bad to worse and I haven't heard form BF about any news re BG. He is lovely and does an awful lot to help me and makes my life easier but certain things I feel I can't trust him with. Well I need to give him a chance with this as I simply can't cope with the extra hassle at the moment. Ok and I have only 30 quid until I get next tax credits or my expenses paid which ever happens first. I should have enough diesel thou but even that is a bit of a worry.
So yep - closing in to the crash moment but doing my best to be kind to myself as to avoid it."Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
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Weekend went well considering how I felt on Friday. I managed to do a big tidy up in DD's room and also list 10 items on fleabay. Six watchers in my most valuable item
I do have to acknowledge that all that was possible because BF was doing the shopping, cooking and child hearding.
But today I am well and truly struggling. The fact that the tools at work are not working brilliantly (excel slower than a snail and had to reboot once just to be able to save journals :mad:) is not helping.
So for the rest of the day (week?) I am just doing what I can and taking it as it come. Oh and the boiler is still not fixed, BG visit no 6 todaybut hopefully BF and LL are sorting that out. I try not to get involved.
And hooray for tax credits. Was able to buy some food and some diesel to keep us going until my expenses get paid."Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
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Please someone turn the summer on. I promise not to complain that it is too hot, honestly.
I am soooo fed up with people saying that I should be used to the cold considering where I come from. C'mon folks for the last time: The houses up there are WARM!!! I have never in my life needed to worry aobut heating and paying for it and still being frozen solid until I moved into this country. That alone is reason enough to go back.
Last week and a half haven't been exactly great time. I have had two cafcass interviews, one with DD and one without. And then DD had told ex that I have smacked her, ex told cafcass and then next thing is that children's services are going to be after me. And obviously what seems to be happening is that what he is doing is going to be wiped under the carpet. As he is soooo clever and suble with his emotional blackmail and stuff that DD doesn't know what hit her. But I can tell from her behaviour and what she tells me when she comes back. But I can prove nothing.
Work is so mad. And I am mad because I don't think our team is getting the support it should. We were quite clearly told by FD that we didn't close December the way expected (hello what about all that travelling and overtime??? - unpaid I might say) and that January need to be better and February then needs to be spot on and on time. I am already falling behind. I had close to 70 tasks on my time table to be completed by the end of today. How many tasks did I manage to tick off? ONE!! So I am going in on Monday morning looking at the time table full of red tasks (meaning overdue).
And I have a bad cold. No voice at the moment and DD doesn't seem to be able to realise that pointless expecting answer from me as talking hurts. Especially in the car where whispering is not sufficient.
Anyway, we did the McD drive through for tea which I think was a brilliant idea from me. One of the items I was selling in fleabay got collected today. I have some Th0rnton caramel short bread and rose wine. And tomorrow despite being D-day (Dad-day for DD), I am going for acupuncure so hopefully will get some help with my: tension, stress, anxiety, back ache, cold, depression... Poor therapist, she will have trouble to know where to start.
So there we are: I am a carp employee and carp mum. And what was that thing I was going to write about re self esteem? That our self esteem is wrapped around our roles in this life and not who we really are. Ok, do what I say, don't do what I do i.e. feel all sorry for myself when I get my self esteem tangled up with what ultimately are external things - illusion if you want - to my life. But yep - feels too damn real to me at the moment.
Going to get myself under several blankets, wearing two fleeces, two pairs of socks and heating on and I am not going to think about my gas bill..."Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
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Aesop - THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
:staradmin:staradmin:staradmin:staradmin:staradmin
When I am down in the dumps it means so much to me that I know that you are reading."Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
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I am sooooo tired. Work is still mad. But I have managed to take one task at the time. It is very frustrating thou. I feel that a tennis player playing solo against 100 players and swinging my racket madly but not being able to pass all the balls.
But the good thing is that because I am not that happy at work I haven't felt bad/quilty etc to send off CVs back to homeland. I have asked to get my old job back that I left 12 years ago to move here. Also I found another one to apply for but it is rather ambitious plus I don't have any experience in the construction industry.
Exam results due on Monday, next court hearing in one months time. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Does it ever get any better? Is there going to be a let off?
Not very Zen, should be knitting instead of playing stupid FB games, would be much better for me. But hey ho, hopefully back with some good news. I am due some..."Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
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So the results are in. One pass, one fail. I was 8 points short which is actually pretty good because it means that it wasn't a complete disaster but not too close to be "kicking myself" thing.
In the ideal world following would happen: I would hand in my notice. During my notice period I would complete all my PER. After that I would study full time and do all of the last four exams in June. After the exams I would do full time decluttering until it is time to take on new job in a new country or old country or actually old job in the old country. Bit confusing.
But as I haven't won the lottery it is not viable. So aiming to do decluttering while studying for two exams while working full time. I wish BF could get a job nearer to me as then he could be around more to help.
It is only Monday and I am already tired so the situation is not sustainable.
I have been reading this book how to change your life by doing one change per week for a year. First week was to drink enough water. This week is to get enough sleep. I am determined now to get to bed on time, should be an improvement."Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end."
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Just popping in to send a hug (()) and to say well done on the exam results, I really don't know how you find the time to study and work full time and look after your DD. Be proud of what you have achieved.
I have to say making one change a week sounds good, I shall investigate this.
My main priority is getting my blood pressure under control at the minute, I sympathise with the tiredness, Budgie just has no energy at the minute.:(
So take care and everything will fall into place, it just takes time.
Much Love
Budgie xxxxxxxxxxxxxCherish the ones you love and travel back on the road that brings you home
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us" Ralph Waldo Emerson :A0
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