Splitting the family at Xmas?

scheming_gypsy

victory wrote: »

I knew a family that recreated the whole xmas day the day before on xmas eve or the day before that, the whole shindig and then on xmas day itself whoever wanted to be together and was close enough they would if they wanted to spend it together if not each family to their own houses with their own kids, perfect:D

Kids loved it because they got in effect 2 xmases:D parents loved it because all be it not on the exact xmas day itself they got to be with their sons/daughters/grandkids and had a fantastic day.

my mum and dad did that when he married his third wife (mum was the first so it was a family day, second wife was JW so he'd come round early to spend the day with us). We'd have Christmas day with mum and grandma etc and he'd have Christmas day with his wife and her family and on boxing day we'd have a second Christmas with my dad.

victory

Exactly there is always a solution and everyone is happy, happy xmas:D

Pee

I honestly think it is about working out what works for you, your OH and DD.

You don't need to be together.

I think you have to accept that many people feel much happier with their family than with their in laws.

I know lots of adult couples who split up to spend the day with their parents. Although of course tis is easier when there are no children involved.

I visit my parents in the morning, then spend the rest of the day with my boyfriend. My parents have one another and my sister, so I don't feel bad about this. (We also don't have a great relationship.)

This is manageable as we all live quite close together.

With my ex his parents came to visit us or we went to visit them every year. He was one of five but the favourite and before me they hadn't got to spend many Christmases with him. That was fine though as they really liked me and I really liked them.

If my mum was on my own, I think I'd spend most of the day with her and meet up with my boyfriend later - she would moan like mad about this - and I'd perhaps do something special with my boyfriend on Christmas Eve... I hope it never comes to that.

podperson

It is difficult if you feel your mum will be on her own. You said though that in previous years you went to OHs family at around 5-6 - you could do this again to meet up with OH. Also if it's just your mum then maybe ask OH if he could broach the subject of her coming over with you in the afternoon when your daughter has gone to her dad's. While they might not want a crowd descending most people can make room for one extra person, especially if it saves them being on their own.
If you really have to end up spending the day at separate houses then maybe look at having your own little xmas on the day before or after. Me and OH used to have our 'together' kind of xmas on Christmas Eve as we knew we would be rushing around between various houses the next day. We would exchange gifts, have some goodies, sometimes watch an xmas film etc.

barbiedoll

It's just one day...in the grand scheme of things, it won't make much difference to anyone's life to do things a little differently. Let your OH have his day at his parents, you spend the morning with your mum and DD and go over to his parents in the afternoon/evening.

Have Boxing Day as open doors at your place and stop stressing about it! It's not worth having a row about, it seems that no-one is putting any pressure on you, apart from you! I know that family ties are strong and you don't want to leave your mum alone (get OH to speak to his parents, I can't believe they would want your mum to spend the day on her own!) I'm the same myself. But don't worry too much about DD, part of being a kid is having to suffer boring Christmases at some decrepit relatives' house with no decent toys and rubbish telly. It really won't damage her for life!

euronorris

It is also possible to spend Christmas apart. I have done that before now.

My family all get along quite well, and are used to spending Christmasses together, but OH's family isn't like that, so he's very reluctant to spend Christmas with either family (his due to issues and arguments, and mine because it reminds him of what he wishes his family is like, but isn't). So, I spent the first year with OH, 2nd year was supposed to me with my family but the weather ruined that so I was with OH again, and 3rd year (last year) I made it back to the UK and spent Xmas with the family . So, this year, I am staying home and spending it with my OH.

In the future, we hope to have bought our own place here and can then invite people over to ours as a third option.

I don't think it's fair for your OH to miss out on seeing his family (particularly as he hasn't spent it with them the last few years), but, I also don't think it's fair for your Mum to be left on her own on Christmas Day. So, if his family aren't willing to have her over, then I think you have two options open to you:

1) You all go to your Mum's first, spend some time there, daughter then goes off to her Dad's and you two go onto your in-law's
2) Your OH goes to his folks, and you go to your Mum's. However, I would then insist that your OH find his own to theirs and back, as it is not fair for you to be used like a Taxi service on Christmas Day either.

Stay calm, and give your OH options. If he doesn't like any of them, ask him if he has any suggestions and take it from there.

Spendless

jtr2803 wrote: »

Thank you all for your thoughts/comments. There is no way I won't be spending Xmas morning with my daughter regardless of where it is, that just isn't going to happen. It did cross my mind about my mum also coming over but thinking back, I have never been invited there for Christmas dinner, in fact, I have never been invited there for any dinner! I really wouldn't want to ask if my mum could come and it certainly wouldn't be for dinner.

Just trying to answer specific points -

Adamantine, it's a really good suggestion but I am 99.9% sure none if his family would consider it as some won't have the money and his mum is very old skool and doesn't seem to entertain the idea of Xmas at anywhere but her house?!

Does this mean as a child your OH never went anywhere else for Christmas dinner? Me and my DH never did and this is what I say to anyone when asked elsewhere, that 'neither of us were ever taken or expected to have Christmas dinner away from our homes, so we don't expect our kids to either'.

jtr2803

Spendless wrote: »

Does this mean as a child your OH never went anywhere else for Christmas dinner? Me and my DH never did and this is what I say to anyone when asked elsewhere, that 'neither of us were ever taken or expected to have Christmas dinner away from our homes, so we don't expect our kids to either'.

I do get the feeling that when they were little it was always at their house, I guess that is normal when you are a family with four children but I think at any time it hasn't been at theirs it has been at one of their family members, so my partners sister for example. What is grating on my slightly is that I seem to remember my partner mentioning that he and his ex girlfriend had everyone over for dinner at their house, obviously quite a few years ago but my suggestion was kind of rubbished? His mum makes little comments along the lines of not minding if he didn't go round there but we both know she would. He got a snotty text message yesterday because he hadn't taken a card round for their wedding anniversary!! Now I'm sorry but I don't know anyone else who is expected to celebrate their parents wedding anniversary (unless it is a special number of years), especially as he wasn't even born until 15 years later! :eek:

I guess thats different strokes for different folks!

Money_maker

Last few years we go to MIL for Christmas. My dad is on his own but doesn't want us round Christmas Day (kids too noisy etc!). So we get to have a Christmas Dinner together, I arrange a day at the weekend sometime earlier in December. He comes round to us and we have a lovely dinner which I cook (tastes better than MIL's, I do the table up lovely and ensure there's loads of food). We have a lovely day with all the trimmings except presents.

Thinking about it, I much prefer my dinner to MIL's. Due to issues with SIL I would love to forego the dinner there this year but it's become such a habit that I will just keep quiet and stick it out for the day. I do have different ideas about what to do on Christmas Day and find I spend too much time just sitting around doing nothing even though I offer help.

So if all else fails, do a special dinner a week or two before Christmas for you all with your mum. Then toddle over to MIL's for Christmas Day. It is really only one day and you wont be the only one holding your tongue on that day...

Money_maker

Always used to give my folks an anniversary card when mum was alive.