Splitting the family at Xmas?

whitewing

Go to your mums with DD. Let OH know that he is invited at your mums too at any point unannounced but no pressure, and plan for him to be at his parents. If you don't get cross or upset about it, it will end up upsetting him more than you to be apart.

euronorris

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

Why not, go to your mum in the morning so your daughter can spent it with her grandma as usual and daughter goes to her dad's before lunch (say 11am). That leaves you and the other half the majority of the day to go to his mums and your brother can entertain your mum; is it likely he'd go to his girlfriends and leave your mum on her own?

I was going to suggest the same thing.

If not, ask your OH to ask his parents whether your mother can join you on the day. It shouldn't be a problem, but if it is, then I would be inclined to spend the day with your Mum instead of them. Family is family, it shouldn't come with exclusions!

Kittendreich

I think your daughter has to come first and I'd plan the morning at yours or your mums. But once she is away to her dad's I think it is fair to consider your OHs wishes too.

Our usual plan is xmas morning at home and my step-daughter visits for a couple of hours (after waking up at her mum's - luckily we don't live far apart). Often my OHs parents pop in too to see her on xmas day. As soon as we have dropped her back at her mum's for lunch we drive through to have late lunch and spend the rest of the day with my family (about 1.5 hours away), before an early start on boxing day when we get home to spend the day with step-daughter (xmas morning is such a short visit and she never really gets time to see her presents properly, but at least we get to see her). However, one year we had all of OHs family at ours (though sadly only step-daughter in the morning) and this year he would like to be at home again - but we are just having a quiet xmas day with just us. Both those years we made it up to my family by seeing them all at ours on boxing day. Every year is a compromise - but it will balance out over time.

We have a tradition in our family of including 'waifs & strays' at christmas and hopefully your OHs family wouldn't want your mum to be on her own & would include her too. I remember as a child opening the door at my grans (where we usually spent Christmas) and there was a South African couple called Spike & Nancy at the door - nobody was expecting them and only my grandpa had met them before. He'd met them on holiday and they had asked where would be nice for Christmas in Scotland so he'd jokingly invited them to my gran's...didn't hear from them again until they turned up on xmas day!

antw23uk

I've been with my partner 6 years now and i dreaded xmas and who to spend it with and got so upset about it all that in the end we made a rule and it was tough if our respective families didnt like it .. needless to say they got over it pretty quick.

Our rule is we spend one Xmas at his families, the following year we spend it at home, the next year we spend at my families and so on. Its a first come first served option for Boxing day so whoever invites us first gets us.

Last Xmas we spent it in our new house which is rather large compared to our little flat so we had my parents, my mum and nan inlaw over to us and then Boxing day i think we just had an open door policy.

This year they can all do what they like because we are spending it at home .. on our own .. luxury :beer:

My advise would be make a decision and stick to it. They will get over it, its as much your day as it is theirs so be selfish and do whats best for you :j

Errata

Tell your OH to get a grip, he's part of a family - you, your daughter and him and he's outvoted about where his family's Christmas will be spent.

lostinrates

People really are stressing about this this year, there was another post recently about christmas.

The first christmas together dh and I did lunch with his family and supper with mine (and a drive down the motorway for an hour or two inbetween). After that it got more complicated...we had pets etc.

After a LOT of discussion we decided to spend it with my family...(his family are not christian) but my parents invited his family. They declined. Since then his family moved overseas and its not a problem, but we now host christmas and either side could come.

If we had kids it would be different again I suppose. I think its important your daughter see her mother, and I'd probably in vite in laws over for a meal and get OH to propose extending an invite to her this year, and then suggest its alternated...or...if its not too huge a family, that you suggested again that you host next year.

Its funny, because times like Chritmas develop such a huge family routine. e.g. I';d never had a Yule log before living with DH, and dh can't contemplate a proper christmas spread with out it, where as we ALWAYS have a paticular unusual vegetable side dish and for me its intrinsic and personal to my family.....the result is we have a yule log and my veg dish every year. But some traditions are slowly being dropped by us, as the consumerism and over consumption gets too big otherwise.

podperson

We usually have a similar problem - we used to go to my mum's in the morning, stop for lunch and then go to his family in the afternoon, have a light tea and then either see his brother or friends at night - I used to need a rest the day after! Since we moved it gets more complicated as we have no one to watch the pets and I don't like kennels/catteries so we can't both go down to see family over xmas as it's too long with the bank holidays to leave them alone. One year I spent xmas with my family and OH was at home, the other year I spent it at home with him and didn't see any family. OH isn't that into the season so always tells me to just go see family as he knows my mum makes a big deal of it but either way I end up feeling bad about those I don't see.
Could you not spend the morning with your mum and daughter and then pop over to see OH and his family in the afternoon? Nothing that says you have to spend the whole day together.

jtr2803

I was actually expecting a lot of people to tell me I was being unreasonable so am a little relieved that it seems I'm not!

I do appreciate it is hard to please everyone, I much rather we just say that Christmas will be at our home and there is an open door policy, I am more than happy to have anyone/everyone descend on us for all or part of the day. If my mum had a partner then I would be more inclined to do maybe a couple of hours early in the day with them and my daughter and then spend the rest of the day with his family but mum is single and I suspect that my brother would be off out the door to his girlfriends as soon as he could, I just can't bare the thought of her sitting there alone. I tried to explain to OH that if we don't go round there (which we always have done, if even for a few hours) then his parents are never alone as he has such a big family.

I also do understand that he might want to have dinner with them, he has his reasons and I have mine for not wanting to lol. Something else I forgot to mention is that my partner only has a work van that cannot be used for private use so whenever we have had to visit various homes at Christmas it is always me that has to drive.

Gah...perhaps I will just ban it?! I will talk to him tonight and be very honest about how I feel, I don't want it to turn into points scoring or for us to fall out over it. If need be I will just suggest spending Xmas day with our respective families and we have our own day on boxing day?

Gigglepig

For us it isn't really practical to catch up with both families at Christmas due to travel distance.

If you OH doesn't want to split the Christmas between families, try:

year 1 - your family
year 2 - OH family
year 3 - just you
then back to start again...

If you really cannot agree on whose family to visit just stay home

Can your mum come with you to OH's family?

victory

I knew a family that recreated the whole xmas day the day before on xmas eve or the day before that, the whole shindig and then on xmas day itself whoever wanted to be together and was close enough they would if they wanted to spend it together if not each family to their own houses with their own kids, perfect:D

Kids loved it because they got in effect 2 xmases:D parents loved it because all be it not on the exact xmas day itself they got to be with their sons/daughters/grandkids and had a fantastic day.