Splitting the family at Xmas?

jtr2803

I know it's only August but I am already dreading the 'festive period' this year for the first time ever and while I expect this is really common between families I wondered if anyone had any amazing solutions that I hadn't thought of because it's starting to cause large amounts of stress .

I have been with my partner for three years and this will be our fourth Christmas together. The first year we were both living at my mums so we spent the morning there and then he went home to have dinner and spend a few hours with his family and then we both went there for the afternoon of boxing day. In March 09 we moved into our flat and the last two Christmasses I have picked up my mum and my brother and we have all had dinner together and then they have left about 5/6 and we went to my partners parents for the evening and had to walk home (I am not a massive drinker but I like a glass of Asti with my dinner! :rotfl:). This was largely due to the fact that my partner didn't want to have to get up and go out on Christmas day, he wanted to be able to spend it at home, which I understand.

I assume that something similar would be going on this year until he told me last month that he wants to spend Christmas at his parents this year. I completely understand why and in no way think that him wanting to do this is unfair but it is causing huge problems for a number of reasons. I have an 11 year old daughter who is VERY close to my mum and having spent every Christmas with her since she was born, understandably wants to spend this Christmas morning with her (she normally goes to her Dads just after or just before dinner). She has met my partners family a number of times but is still very shy with them and I think it would be unfair to make her sit there all morning. It also means that my mum would be on her own (except for my brother who, if myself and DD/Partner weren't with them, would probably go to his girlfriends). I really don't want to leave her on her own as her Dad died on Christmas day a few years ago and it's obviously a sad time for her. There just isn't enough room at my partners parents house for everyone as he has two brothers, a sister and 4 nieces/nephews who normally drop in during the course of the day and it is a bit of a squeeze.

Still following?

I have previously invited his parents round for Christmas dinner with this but it was almost laughed off as 'oh no, everyone always comes to us'. Christmas has always been a massive event in my house growing up and it's a real feast with lots of music and gifts etc and I really love it. The opposite is true of my partners house where everything is very subdued, no treats.

I just don't see how to make a reasonable compromise, the only way I can see things going is for my partner to spend the day with his parents and me to spend the day with my family which really saddens me. My mum always says she doesn't mind if we want to spend the day elsewhere but that just doesn't seem right, she does a huge amount for us - fish feeding when we are away, picks us up bits of shopping and drops it round, has been round to check on me when I am ill and most of all, she has my daughter while I work and in the holidays so I think I owe it to her to spend the day with her, and besides, I want to! I have explained all of this to my partner but he still insists on going to his parents because they are somewhat older than my mum and he is worried about them 'not having long left' :eek:.

I really wish I was 10 again and these things didn't matter........

skylight

Ultimately, Christmas is for children. While you have them at home, their needs should come first.

They dont get many Christmas's as kids, that are fun filled etc.

That said, sometimes you need to check everything from every angle first. If she was going to have a better time at the "step-grandparents" then I would be taking her there. As she doesn't know them very well, perhaps you should all be making the next 5 months a time of more in depth getting to know you.

What does your OH say? Has he spoken to his parents about making the day more fun for a child??

Do your best. But at the end of the day as your child, her needs come before your own.

Mupette

Your going to spend many years with your partner (hopefully)

many christmases together....

so why worry about not being together on one day when you live together anyway?

One day that in the scheme of things only a portion of the planet celebrate.

Your daughter could spend with your mum
you and your daugher can spend with your mum
you all go to his mums (ask brother to baby sit mum)
ask if one extra (your mum) can join.. if they say no.... then perhaps not a family to marry into with harmony...

picnmix

Could you not ask them if it would be ok to bring your mum with you? Stay at home in the morning, then when DD goes to her dad's, you, your partner and mum head off to spend the afternoon and evening with them.

Plans_all_plans

I'd go to my parents. Your daughter should take precedence over his family - to you at least.

whitewing

Get a bit of paper and divide it into days and hours around the Xmas/New Year period.

Then work out who wants to be where and when.

Then you can look at spending Xmas day with your mum (which I think you should). But first, you, OH and DD can wake up and have Xmas breakfast at yours. If you treat Xmas as a range of days and spread your treats out over a few days you could actually have a lovely extended Xmas with everybody.

We're the same really, my family refuse to do anything even slightly different for Xmas Day. Even putting herbs on the roast potatoes would upset them. We tend to have lunch at ours now without them, but we do still see them.

adamantine

how about everyone going out for a meal together?

jtr2803

Thank you all for your thoughts/comments. There is no way I won't be spending Xmas morning with my daughter regardless of where it is, that just isn't going to happen. It did cross my mind about my mum also coming over but thinking back, I have never been invited there for Christmas dinner, in fact, I have never been invited there for any dinner! I really wouldn't want to ask if my mum could come and it certainly wouldn't be for dinner.

Just trying to answer specific points -

Adamantine, it's a really good suggestion but I am 99.9% sure none if his family would consider it as some won't have the money and his mum is very old skool and doesn't seem to entertain the idea of Xmas at anywhere but her house?!

Whitewing - I did chuckle at your herb comment! My mum is so easygoing that it really does her no favours whereas his family are all very steadfast. We have offered to do Boxing Day at his parents but I think last year his mum worked it so it really cuts down the days we have to visit them. It also gets more complicated because of when my daughter wants to stay at her dads but we do normally manage to get round to everyone, even if it is not on the day itself.

Mupette - I know you are right about it being one day our of many and I can't see any other way to play it this year but it does make me sad that we might have to spend it apart. I think we all need to be a little more flexible to make it work but I feel like I am the only one having to adapt, everyone else just does the same as the previous years.

Skylight - DD would have miles more fun at my house/mums house. Step grandparents house has baby toys as three of the grandchildren are five or under but the others are all teenages so my daughter is somewhere in the middle. Don't get me wrong, they are always nice to her and give her gifts which is very thoughtful but I know she won't feel like she can relax or help herself to food/drink like she would at home and I want her to be able to enjoy the day while she is still young.

scheming_gypsy

Why not, go to your mum in the morning so your daughter can spent it with her grandma as usual and daughter goes to her dad's before lunch (say 11am). That leaves you and the other half the majority of the day to go to his mums and your brother can entertain your mum; is it likely he'd go to his girlfriends and leave your mum on her own?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Cant your OH "mention" that your torn because your mum will be alone this xmas . . . . . they might then invited her lol

Personally I'd go to OH's parents this year then say "from now on we have our own xmas" and stay at home to avoid arguements.

pigpen

Why not stay at homeand if other family want to see you they come to you?

We got dragged to relatives houses as children on christmas day and it was absolutely horrific.. children are tired not sleeping/up too early.. they dont want to open their presents and go traipsing off to see relatives they can see the other 364 days of the year.

Here you go child.. heaps of new stuff to look through and play with.. right lets go out! ..

We have christmas dinner on christmas eve.. after 45 minutes sleep I refuse to spend christmas day cooking food noon want to eat as they are stuffed with sweets! It is MY christmas day too!

Christmas day we stay home.. we snack on leftovers and snooze while the children run riot and eat junk.. they now go to KHs about 5pm.

Boxing day.. my family descend and we have food and swap presents and the children are brought back about lunch time ish...

I would tell him to reconsider who he thinks his family is now.. surely it is you? Or are you just convenience and someone so sleep with and do his laundry? Wanting to spend time at mummys is all extremely childish when you are an adult with responsibilities!