I want to ask someone out but...

GlasweJen

I have a friend, an amazing friend who I've loved to bits forever. We met about 8 years ago and we got on great but then I took seriously ill (almost died a few times) and went to recover in another part of the country where I went to uni and met my ex.

Went out with ex for 5 years, broke up last year (very messy) and old friend came back into my life and he helped me through the rubbish but nothing happened, mostly because I was scared that it was a rebound thing and I didn't want that.

Been out with a few guys since, well 2. Nothing serious ever came of either of them, one was a bit too clingy and weird and the other just didn't seem to like me that much, was a bit weird really cos he did all the chasing.

But anyway, now I've got less than 6 months left to live (unless I get really really lucky but I'm not pinning everything on the chances that the right person dies at the right time) I'm in two minds about telling him. I know that he likes me because he told me that himself but he doesn't know that I'm as ill as I am. If I ask him out now I'm just setting him up to be really upset in a few months time which I feel awful about but at the same time I want him to know how I feel.

Any input/advice would be appreciated.

plumpmouse

GlasweJen wrote: »

I have a friend, an amazing friend who I've loved to bits forever. We met about 8 years ago and we got on great but then I took seriously ill (almost died a few times) and went to recover in another part of the country where I went to uni and met my ex.

Went out with ex for 5 years, broke up last year (very messy) and old friend came back into my life and he helped me through the rubbish but nothing happened, mostly because I was scared that it was a rebound thing and I didn't want that.

Been out with a few guys since, well 2. Nothing serious ever came of either of them, one was a bit too clingy and weird and the other just didn't seem to like me that much, was a bit weird really cos he did all the chasing.

But anyway, now I've got less than 6 months left to live (unless I get really really lucky but I'm not pinning everything on the chances that the right person dies at the right time) I'm in two minds about telling him. I know that he likes me because he told me that himself but he doesn't know that I'm as ill as I am. If I ask him out now I'm just setting him up to be really upset in a few months time which I feel awful about but at the same time I want him to know how I feel.

Any input/advice would be appreciated.

I think you need to tell the truth. He sounds like a lovely bloke and I'm sure he would appreciate the honesty.

Just editing to say he obviously cares a lot about you and is going to upset if the worse does happen anyway. You don't have guarantees of anything. If you are honest he can decide what level he is comfortable at.

Wishing you so much luck and hoping for a happy ending

bagginslover

How will you feel if he rejects you? Will your remaining time be less rich if you scare him away? Would you take the risk that as he doesn't know you are so ill, he may stop seeing you for a while to put you off him if he doesn't feel the same way?

I'm in no way saying this is what will happen, but it's the worst case scenario, is the possibility of a bit of passion worth losing the support and (albeit platonic) love of a good friend for? If you do decide to tell him, consider telling him you are ill first. Not so that he'll be sympathetic, but so that he'll hopefull let you down more gently if that's how he feels. He'll feel awful if he is nasty or even just dismissive about it and then finds out how ill you are. don't tell him both things at the same time either-he'll feel backed into a corner if you do.

Of course I hope he does feel the same way, and that you can spend what time you have left together as a couple, and I do hope you get the transplant (im assuming?) too.

GlasweJen

Yeah I need a new heart. He knows I need a new heart but he doesn't know that it's getting to the critical point.

I feel like it's tell him one thing or the other. I don't have time to space it out. Obviously best case scenario is tell him and then a new heart comes along and everything works out but I'm not stupid enough to think that will happen.

I don't think there's any way of saying I'm dying, do you want to be more than friends. It's just a bit weird, a situation I've never seen myself in.

And I've felt like this for years so I can keep it quiet for longer.

plumpmouse

GlasweJen wrote: »

Yeah I need a new heart. He knows I need a new heart but he doesn't know that it's getting to the critical point.

I feel like it's tell him one thing or the other. I don't have time to space it out. Obviously best case scenario is tell him and then a new heart comes along and everything works out but I'm not stupid enough to think that will happen.

I don't think there's any way of saying I'm dying, do you want to be more than friends. It's just a bit weird, a situation I've never seen myself in.

And I've felt like this for years so I can keep it quiet for longer.

I would tell him. You'll always wonder what if. Just give him the truth (as long as you can cope with his response as the other poster pointed out) and let him decide what he can manage.

akin_drum

I'd opt for telling him as well. I appreciate it *might* backfire and he might run a mile (but I doubt it) but if I were in your shoes I think that I would want to be as honest as possible at this stage of my (your) life. Of course, that is all any of us can do; tell you what *we* would do. Whatever happens I hope it works out well for you; I like your posting style and agree with a lot of what you say. I'd like you to be around for a lot longer yet

January20

GlasweJen, I know it's easy for me to say this but I think because you said he likes you, you should tell him the whole truth, about your feelings for him and also about your health. I think if I had a friend who I liked like that and there were dying I would like to know, I would like to be given the chance to be there for them (or not) and I would really regret if they died and I'd not had a chance to love them properly - if that makes any sense at all. With the same proviso as before that you can cope with any kind of rejection.

mr_knight

Don't regret the things you don't do only the things you do.

He might not want to be more than friends but he might, you won't know unless you tell him. I agree with the above poster about the worst case senario but he is obviously a decent guy and a good friend who will be there for you if you tell him you want to be more than friends, even if he doesn't (does that make sense?).

Sometimes things are easier to say written down?

Good luck with everything

Tropez

You should tell him.

While I wish you all the best that you get the heart that you need, what I would say is if you get to the point where nothing more can be done, why spend the last few days/weeks/months wondering what if? You can take your chance now and do something that will have the potential to make you happy, instead of looking back and wishing, wondering and regretting.

Life is about taking that plunge and hoping it goes well. If it doesn't, you've lost nothing but at least you'll know.

GlasweJen

See i'm kind of thinking that if I say nothing, or just tell him I'm ill then I get to keep my friend.

If he doesn't feel the same then I'd have 6 months of awkwardness.

I wont live to regret not telling him, if I get a heart then it wont be as bad because I wont be dying any more so the pressure would be off him a bit.

barbiedoll

Oh what a dilemma.

Part of me thinks that you should just tell him everything but I can see why you're worried for him too.

You should at least tell him how ill you are. If he is a good a friend as you say, he will be upset if you don't let him know what's going on. And if he feels the same way as you, he will want to make the most of your time together and hopefully he will let you know that.

He's going to be devastated anyway if the worst comes to the worst, why shouldn't you both should have some good times while you have the chance?

I hope you get your operation in time and I hope that you both enjoy whatever time you have together.

(And sorry about my insensitive sig! )