gutted

dipsy

Well update

thank you to all that posted and gave me all the different angles on this.

We met yesterday and spent 3 hours talking, long and short of it is that he is going to tell her that she needs to move on with her life and that doesn't include him and that she isn't moving into the house as a friend or otherwise.

He doesn't want her back

After we spoke on the weekend he spoke with his sister, whom he is close to and she apparently said the same as me.

He said he will give her some rental property details, but it is closed between him and her.

I didn't give him the letter, but read it to him as by time I mentioned the letter we had pretty much covered it all.

I told him that I would never stand for 3 people in a relationship and I would walk and he said he felt the same, reassured me that he was sorting it once and for all and understood how difficult it had been for me and felt awful for having put me in that postition.

I explained how I felt like a dirty secret as I had to avoid going to where he lived for fear of upsetting her and told him this wouldn't be tolerated, infact, explained to him the pub where we go, my ex goes to, but thats his (my ex's) issue not mine..... he agreed so we shall see.

One other thing the suicide thing has only started in the last month, so I can only think that his sister or brother has told her he has met someone as they know about me.....

So, whilst no one ever knows what the future holds, I feel now that we move on from this, and draw a line and give us the chance we deserve.


Thanks to you all again, it is great to have input and see different angles as when your emotional you tend to be blinkered x

January20

dipsy wrote: »

After we spoke on the weekend he spoke with his sister, whom he is close to and she apparently said the same as me.

Just be careful: reminds me of my ex. We would disagree on things, I would give my point of view which he wouldn't accept, until he had gone to work, (possibly) moaned about me and discussed the situation with his (female) colleagues who then told him I was right, and then he would see my point of view!!! One of the many reasons why he is an ex

I'm trying to say that he should see your point of you because of you, not because others agree with you (just in case I wasn't clear )

dipsy

January20 wrote: »

Just be careful: reminds me of my ex. We would disagree on things, I would give my point of view which he wouldn't accept, until he had gone to work, (possibly) moaned about me and discussed the situation with his (female) colleagues who then told him I was right, and then he would see my point of view!!! One of the many reasons why he is an ex

I'm trying to say that he should see your point of you because of you, not because others agree with you (just in case I wasn't clear )

He did see my point of view on Saturday, he just wanted to talk to his sister also.

to be fair to him on Sat he said he didn't know what to do, but he wouldn't be stopping in the same house as her, but obviously it was still playing on my mind. One of the things he had proposed was moving out to his sisters and letting her stop there, to which I had said was crazy.

But, since Sat/Sun he has now said he won't be moving anywhere and she won't be moving in in any shape or form.

He said he was giving her details of rental properties back in her home town and would offer to get her details of professional help if she still felt depressed/suicidal, but he wouldn't be held to ransom anymore and that he would be strong and tell her his life was moving on without her.

I feel that based on this I need to give it a go, otherwise I might live to regret letting go of someone I have deep feelings for, first time in years and only the 2nd time in my life.

Only time will tell what will happen, but he has been left in no doubt, I don't share and won't be having a 3 way relationship, not now, not in the future, not ever .

poet123

I hope it works out for you.

Unlike the majority of other posters I was going to say that it is/must be hard for a kind, caring,nice man to be what he sees as "cruel" in the face of a suicide threat from someone he was involved with for a considerable time. The fact that he wavered, to me, could show his good nature. I say that though from the POV of someone who luckily has never been badly treated by a man and so usually sees the best in them till they prove me wrong.

I wavered when I read what I though was his email response to your letter, thinking that he was playing games as he never addressed the issue (then I realised you had never sent it!) You just assumed he would know why you were down, and were annoyed by his bantering email. Lots of men do that because they can't deal with emotion or feeling on a deep level, so try to use the more superficial jokey level. They are out of their depth. They don't analyse things like women, we may think they have got it, but often they really haven't, or at least not got the depth or seriousness with which women view xyz.

I only have sons and they often say their girlfriend has said xxx and they have taken it literally, and now a problem has come up. They have genuinely not seen the subtext, because they look at things totally differently to women. They really do, and it never ceases to amaze me how differently men and women view the same situation.

Anyway, enough waffle my point was that just because he reacted how he did, doesn't (to me) mean he wanted his cake and eat it, or that he was keeping you in reserve, or that he was dismissing your feelings. It might just mean he is a nice man, with his heart in the right place, but a man at the end of the day who struggles to see things exactly as you do but who is trying his best.

Only you really know which sort of man he is, and on here sometimes I feel good men do get a bad rap from women who have suffered at the hands of the other sort, not unreasonably,but don't tar them all with the same brush, there are some lovely men out there, I hope he turns out to be one of them.

dipsy

[QUOTE=poet123;46341227]I hope it works out for you.

I wavered when I read what I though was his email response to your letter, thinking that he was playing games as he never addressed the issue (then I realised you had never sent it!) You just assumed he would know why you were down, and were annoyed by his bantering email. Lots of men do that because they can't deal with emotion or feeling on a deep level, so try to use the more superficial jokey level. They are out of their depth. They don't analyse things like women, we may think they have got it, but often they really haven't, or at least not got the depth or seriousness with which women view xyz.

I only have sons and they often say their girlfriend has said xxx and they have taken it literally, and now a problem has come up. They have genuinely not seen the subtext, because they look at things totally differently to women. They really do, and it never ceases to amaze me how differently men and women view the same situation.


You are correct I never sent the letter, it was one I was going to give him when we met, as I wasn't sure I could say what I wanted to say without getting emotional, and he has had enough of female emotions of late for sure.

He actually looked gutted, when he realised I hadn't been sleeping for the last few nights and had been going on a rollercoaster of emotions, he said he hadn't realised, as he had said when we first met, he is no good at reading between the lines, he needs it to be told straight, (men and women are so different you are correct in their reading of any given situation), which is what I did yesterday

He has sent me emails this morning to apologise yet again, saying he hopes I am assured now that we are fine.

I have told him its not his fault, the thing he was guilty of was not sorting it out straight away, he went onto say she had been absolutely fine and then a few weeks ago went on this tact.

I can only assume one of his family have told her about me in a bid to get her to move on.

Anyway, he has always been loving/thoughtful/kind towards me so I feel I have to go with my heart and my head both working together on this for once and see where it takes us, if I walk away I may live to regret it, and afterall it is now being addressed.

barbiedoll

I'm glad that you gave him the chance to talk about this and it sounds as though he realises that a clingy ex is going to scupper his chance of any future happiness unless he puts his foot down.

I think he has made lots of promises and it seems that he has good intentions. You are very strong and I like the way that you won't be hidden away, avoiding certain pubs etc, the ex will only get the message if she sees you and him as a couple, behaving normally and ignoring her silly attempts at tugging his heart-strings. You may well end up as a target for her too, obviously I don't know her but she may turn out to be one of those bunny-boiler types who will try to make you suspicious and jealous by sending him texts which look as though they are a reply to something which he has already sent or, letters to his home/work place etc etc. So be prepared! (Heaven forbid you get the topless photos too!!)

If she continues to be a nusiance, ask him to change his mobile number, if he is as determined to get shot of her as he says, he won't mind. And if he really feels that he needs to pass on info about rental properties/help agencies etc (all of which can be easily accessed by her, unless she can't read :mad:) then he should do so, without face-to-face contact. He can post stuff through her door, or email her. If she keeps on seeing him, it will keep the flame alive for her and she may tell herself that he is just wants to see her and that you're the only one that is stopping him.

You can shake off this ex if you BOTH want to, just don't let her get between you if you're sure that he really doesn't want her (and it sounds like he doesn't )
Good luck, I hope you can both get on with your lives and be happy.
Keep us posted!

lurvlyloz

well hopefully thats a nice outcome for you dipsy! x

jemb

dipsy wrote: »

Finally met someone i really like still early days three months

anyway bomb shell dropped ex of 5 months is threatening to commit suicide saying she has nowhere to live after 1st september

he feels so guilty he is talking about letting her move in as a friend
until she sorts herself out

meanwhile he suggests we go on hold

i told hold was not an option but we would be over

Only found out on friday its been a harrowing few days

He is lovely and can imagine a future with him or could till this relevation

he says he doesnt want her back but feels responsible for hr safety

they have been together for two and half years but split up twice
since oct 2010

i have my own thoughts on the suicide etc. but would like some input thankd

I really feel for you. My OH had exactly the same. Phone calls from the ex and she knew she'd get a reaction, saying she'd taken loads of pills and slit her wrists, he'd race to get to her thinking nobody else knew, ring an ambulance and she'd have flushed most the tablets from packet and slit wrists so that they'd bleed but not hit main lines. She did this 3 times, the third time he took his sim out at the time the ambulance was leaving and threw it at her. She stopped the attention seeking and the phone calls obv! It's early days for you, but he really needs to have support too. I dont really know what i'm trying to say, perhaps you tell him you're not on hold and that you want to be there for him? It's a rough time for him too with her acting like that. He does however need to make sure that she moves out, and doesnt think that thi sis him taking her back or wanting her back. There is a thin line.

System

If he's concerned for her safety he shouls call SS and get them to do an assesment/section her. That way its out of his hands. Although i disagree with everyone who has said people who are suicidal don't ever talk about it, that's a myth. That said planning my own suicide i haven't told anyone about it so i can see it from both sides.

Sounds like he's still involved (emotionally if nothing else) and needs to sort that out before he can really 100% be there for you.

meritaten

xXMessedUpXx wrote: »

If he's concerned for her safety he shouls call SS and get them to do an assesment/section her. That way its out of his hands. Although i disagree with everyone who has said people who are suicidal don't ever talk about it, that's a myth. That said planning my own suicide i haven't told anyone about it so i can see it from both sides.

Sounds like he's still involved (emotionally if nothing else) and needs to sort that out before he can really 100% be there for you.

It is a myth that people dont talk about suicide plans - and I knew one guy who always said (jokingly, people thought, if his wife ever left him he would cut his throat - she did leave him and he did cut his throat and made sure his body wouldnt be found for days by telling people he was going away).

Personally if a guy I was seeing ignored a request for help from a former girlfriend or partner - then I would wonder about how nice they were? I would hope that former bfs would still care a bit about me - enough to help at least!

so - messed up - why are you planning suicide? want to talk about it? I'm safe, I dont know who you really are and couldnt stop you!