How to believe it's really over?

milkybar

Sounds like a strange one right?!

Anyway, bit of a long story....so bear with me (upset at the moment so I'm trying to get down everything)

Been in a long distance relationship for eight months now. And everyone knows the pressure you're under to make everything amazing when you have those short snapshots of time together!

Anyway, the last time me and OH saw each other we had a row which resulted in OH saying they needed space and not to really speak. I managaed to get her to say two weeks instead of a month and she would text once on a morning and once to say goodnight. Sometimes called in the day which I was fine with as I was used to speaking 24/7.
Then five days after the space started she found out her sister was pregnant and so was calling a lot more for support and I was happy to be able to help her. And that night she said she wanted to end the space as she'd been lost without me and missed me and loved me etc.

Fast forward to last Tuesday we had some petty little argument during the day. We were meant to be seeing each other today and had everything planned but she cancelled that saying she needed 30 days of total space as I'd indirectly tricked her into ending the first time(?). Which is a load of rubbish.

I respected this and just went about my day, loving her and missing her. Then on Friday we spoke on the night and I was frustrated she couldn't say anything nice to me at all and snapped and called her sister stupid for falling pregnant (she says it all the time, just I'm apparently not to!). Yesterday all day she never text or called until the night after work. I didn't answer as I didn't want a row and then got texts saying she didn't trust me and how can she be with someone she doesn't trust!

Completely out of the blue as she'd promised me that this space would not result in me losing her or breaking up and we were only four days into it! Cue last night a two and a half hour long call where I cried and said not to break up and she had her favourite robot lines of 'You're not listening' 'Just accept I don't want to be with you and it's over' 'Even if you came here it wouldn't change a thing' and 'Let's just be friends' repeatedly whilst I begged for an answer.

Now the main point (lots of background there). She has done this about five times before and then changed her mind the next day. This time it feels different as she showed no emotion at all and couldn't even say I love you. She did say it right at the end of the call when I said I'd go if she said it. But because she's doing it for the sixth time now, how do I know it's really over? Is she going to come back today and say it was a mistake like usual or just keep on with this? I just feel like I'm in a game of boy who cried wolf!

I'm heartbroken and can't even face work today or sleep, no idea what she's thinking although I know she's moving in with her sister and her boyfriend this week so I don't know if her sister has said something but all she can say is it doesn't work. Yet it does when she's actually not in a stubborn horrible mood! Thursday night she says that we love each other and will fix everything, Friday night she said she loves me and wishes I was there and then Saturday night it's over.

How do I actually believe it's over this time and start moving on? Because I have no idea if it's actually real or not!

jakem_2

Sorry to read your upset, but you do know what I and the majority of posters are going to tell you? she has done this 5 times already!!! and this is the 6th, and you have gone back again and again and it still happenes, it will always happen as long as your on the phone begging and taking her back.

leave her to it, let her stew, she knows you like the back of her hand, she knows every turn of you and plays you like a violin, get some back bone dont run after her anymore.

Sorry to come across as harsh, but you need to stop running after her and accepting this is the norm.

milkybar

jakem wrote: »

Sorry to read your upset, but you do know what I and the majority of posters are going to tell you? she has done this 5 times already!!! and this is the 6th, and you have gone back again and again and it still happenes, it will always happen as long as your on the phone begging and taking her back.

leave her to it, let her stew, she knows you like the back of her hand, she knows every turn of you and plays you like a violin, get some back bone dont run after her anymore.

Sorry to come across as harsh, but you need to stop running after her and accepting this is the norm.

I would normally think that today she'll just come running back. But then each time she's done it before I've convinced myself she won't and then she does so I'm hoping she will. But not talking to me all day yesterday is a huge difference to when we've fought before and now breaking up when I thought everything is ok is just weird. My friends all say exactly the same and to leave her and eventually she'll realise what an idiot she's being but when you're as daft about her as I am I can never just do that!

It's the zero emotion part I hate! Actually can't stand and she knows she knows how to get to me, really does and after each time promises this will be the last time she ever hurts me. Strange isn't it but I'm just hoping one person is going to say she will come back today and say it's all a mistake!

belfastgirl23

Well you can't change what she does, so that's not worth thinking about. All you can do is change what you do. I think it's up to you to put the boot on the other foot. And decide that you want 30 days with no contact. But in order to do that you need to decide that any outcome is better than no outcome and that if her decision is to split up that you will honour that. This means not answering the phone to her, not answering emails or texts etc.

As long as you let her keep treating you like this she will have no reason to knuckle down and figure out what she wants. So it has to be up to you.

Bear in mind too that as long as you keep begging her to stay you are complicit in how you are being treated. Not a nice thing to say but true.

Good luck

heretolearn_2

She sounds like a nutter and you are well rid.

Delete her number from your phone.

I know it hurts but you'll live. We've all been through it and come out the other side stronger and happier. Let it be over. Today. Then you'll feel miserable for a bit, get over it, and find someone who actually makes you happy instead of someone who enjoys torturing you. If you don't end it, you'll spend the rest of your life being miserable. Not a hard choice. You have to use your head as well as your heart in relationships or you can end up in a very bad place.

Right now you sound like one of those women who stay with men who beat them up. Oh I can't leave because I luuuuuuuuuuuv him. Yeah right. Well he doesn't love you - and this person is abusive in another way and doesn't love you either. Wise up.

milkybar

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

Well you can't change what she does, so that's not worth thinking about. All you can do is change what you do. I think it's up to you to put the boot on the other foot. And decide that you want 30 days with no contact. But in order to do that you need to decide that any outcome is better than no outcome and that if her decision is to split up that you will honour that. This means not answering the phone to her, not answering emails or texts etc.

As long as you let her keep treating you like this she will have no reason to knuckle down and figure out what she wants. So it has to be up to you.

Bear in mind too that as long as you keep begging her to stay you are complicit in how you are being treated. Not a nice thing to say but true.

Good luck

Thank you for that.

I know it makes me seem like a fool but I can be just as much of an idiot. I would never do the let's break up line because I know she would say ok and it'd be me back on the phone in an hour saying that I was annoyed and just trying to hurt her. I don't think before I speak and when we first met I was still in the process of getting over an ex (it was another four months before we got together) so she has that in her head and it's where the trust thing stems from I think.

I literally can't do thirty days of space, I'm not that sort of person. Because in my head I want her, I love her and I want my life with her, nothing has changed in the months I have known her at all and I don't need time to know that. She needs time to stop blaming me for everything that goes wrong, right from when someone is mean at work to when her sister yet again takes advantage, I get the blame for it and the mood. I am tired of being treat for a fool but at the same time just let it go because I seriously don't want to break up with her.

[Deleted User]

I wish i had known about the 30 no contact, ive been like you left dangling for 5and a half weeks. Only last night did i come to my sences. Maybe a different story from yours but neverthess i know exactly how you feel. I too felt like you in the beginning. Sick, couldnt face work and still at 5 and a half weeks in the same position. Last night i decided enoughs enough, maybe read my thread. My ex has accused me of everything but then he still doesnt want to sort anything out. If you want to talk let me know as i do know how you feel as my relationship was 6months. Edit to just read your last paragraph thats exactly what my ex has said.

jakem_2

Spot on Belfast girl, that is what I was trying to say but you said it better than me.:)

Milkybar, we all get hurt in relationships, we all argue and fight, but what she is doing is playing mind games with you, she has you at her beck and call and is calling the shots, and tbh she wont respect you unless you take control and you call the shots.

I know you love her, but sometimes you have to put that aside to show her that you willnot be treated like this, its respect, respect and more respect.

I hope you manage to work this out and get some control in this situation {{{hugs}}}

milkybar

heretolearn wrote: »

She sounds like a nutter and you are well rid.

Delete her number from your phone.

I know it hurts but you'll live. We've all been through it and come out the other side stronger and happier. Let it be over. Today. Then you'll feel miserable for a bit, get over it, and find someone who actually makes you happy instead of someone who enjoys torturing you. If you don't end it, you'll spend the rest of your life being miserable. Not a hard choice. You have to use your head as well as your heart in relationships or you can end up in a very bad place.

Right now you sound like one of those women who stay with men who beat them up. Oh I can't leave because I luuuuuuuuuuuv him. Yeah right. Well he doesn't love you - and this person is abusive in another way and doesn't love you either. Wise up.

It does hurt you're right, but contary to how it sounds, 99% of the time our relationship is perfect until an outside interference comes into it and wrecks it. The initial rows we have are because she's argued with her parents or family or work has gone wrong and it's taken out on me as I'm the closest person to her.

If we're together, you can guarantee it's the most amazing time ever, we never want to say goodbye (other than last time of course) it's the being apart that I'm sure is the problem and she can't handle it.

I text this morning, a really nice text saying I'm not going into work and that I love her and hope she changes her mind. Just got one back saying I'm glad you're not going into work. Try and get some rest. I shouldn't have done that really but in a way I needed her to know I'm off work so she can call anytime.

Such a screwed up few days!

Alikay

Sorry to be harsh but I do think it's over. She doesn't need the relationship in it's entirety, just certain aspects of it: Your ear (providing you agree with her), your support and your agreement to keep the door open if the single life isn't all she hopes for. She clearly isn't ready to make the break completely, so is keeping you hanging on.

People who "play" others like this can change, but usually when they've matured and with a new partner whom they've not treated like this. I think you should leave her alone, but not so she can decide what she wants - so you can get over her and find someone else.

milkybar

ImDoingItForMe wrote: »

I wish i had known about the 30 no contact, ive been like you left dangling for 5and a half weeks. Only last night did i come to my sences. Maybe a different story from yours but neverthess i know exactly how you feel. I too felt like you in the beginning. Sick, couldnt face work and still at 5 and a half weeks in the same position. Last night i decided enoughs enough, maybe read my thread. My ex has accused me of everything but then he still doesnt want to sort anything out. If you want to talk let me know as i do know how you feel as my relationship was 6months. Edit to just read your last paragraph thats exactly what my ex has said.

Thank you for that!
I actually read your thread yesterday at work when she hadn't spoke to me for hours and hours and saw the similarities. I know exactly what you're going through and it's horrible!

The only difference is that probably today or tomorrow something will click in her head and she'll realise what an idiot she's being and then come back and apologise (that's what I'm hoping).

Whenever we have this thing happen and it ends she always says I should never take any notice of her when she's like this because we know we're meant to be and she's being stupid. So why should I take any notice of her this time?