Is this how life is meant to be?

daisy85

Nickitree30 wrote: »

It doesn't surprise me he is so against your mum, he is trying to seperate and alienate you from her, another aspect of his controlling behaviour. I would be willing to bet money that she sees him for the waste of space he actually is!

you are absolutely right there! she most certainly does.

She doesnt know the half of it though, I might ask her if me and the boys can go stay with her for a few days, Im hoping she will say yes. He wouldnt dare set foot near my mams house so I know I would be safe there. I need to tell her everything that has gone on so she understands.

3v3

daisy85 wrote: »

Thank you guys, I have just rang my sister to see if she could pop up for a little while. I showed her this thread and she said she was so proud of me for actually getting it out in the open and maybe I could now see that this isnt normal.

Yeah, its my house but he comes and goes as he pleases, he knows the back door can be forced open (it doesnt lock very well) and uses that to his advantage. I am going to call my landlord in the morning and get it sorted out.
I feel like I need to leave to be out of the firing line for a while so that he can calm down a bit and not start smashing my house up or waiting for me to go in or out.

Im not financially dependant on him, more like the other way around. I have swapped bank accounts and closed down paypal as that is how he was taking my money.

I can feel comfortable tonight in my own bed with my dog knowing that he wont be 'forcing' himself on me. Thats a huge relief in itself

:T:T:T:T:T:T:T
Ok, so that's baby step (module) 1 completed
Good plan to contact your landlord!

Ok, let's think about the "firing line" angle. You can of course go away for a week (good plan!). However, just a note of caution; "grief" (and trust me, he will be feeling grief and aggrieved) can last longer than you can afford to stay away from home.

Just making you aware, no criticism

While going away for the initial few days is a wise thing to do, you also have to think a bit longer term. You also have to consider that he does have a degree of parental rights towards his own son (although, not your son). These are complex issues, as I'm sure you are more than aware I'm just cautioning you to think in the longer term, as well as the short term. In the short term, any "wins" on your side will definately boost your morale; but, ignore the longer term at your own risk. He sounds like a wiley fox, who is very canny to the manipulation game; so, do protect yourself as fully as you possible can by keeping one step ahead - that will take much courage and a lot of your strength!

Your strength increases in numbers I say again, call the professionals and voluntary organisations who are most equipped to give you the very best of advice.

I'm delighted you have your sister's support (and, I'm sure, that of your Mum - family can be a blessing in times such as these!) x

Nickitree30

Definitely tell her, that way she can help you stay strong and not backslide on your decision if he starts saying he will change (he won't he has had ample opportunity before now). Also definitely get the locks changed. Stay strong and safe.

notisis

What happened with university? You know this is not right. You are worth so much more as are your children and your dog. You owe it to them. You know your mum has been supportive in the past and will continue to be so. You KNOW all of this. You know what you need to do and I'm sure all the advice given and which will continue to be given will strengthen your resolve and you will soon be back to the girl you used to be far stronger and with more resolve and better able to enjoy life and the career that you always dreamed of. Good luck. Just believe and don't waiver. You are a decent human being, a good mum and daughter, a loving dog owner, intelligent and resourceful and beautiful inside and out. Don't let you forget it! Now go and live the life YOU want not the one you have been.

prettykitty

Go to your Mum, sounds like he won't come near you there - tell your landlord that you need the locks changed because it's generally not secure and if he then breaks in, your landlord can call the police. You can sort out the access stuff later, no solicitor or judge will hold it against you for making this first crucial step. I'm sorry to say, you mustn't waiver (as notisis says) so he has no-one else, well it seems that all he wants from you is somewhere to go and money to waste on his addiction. Perhaps he rinsed everyone else in his life and that's why he is so "dependent" on you? I do not mean to criticise you. You are worth much more than that, you are not a mug, you can see what's going on. You remember the strong, happy woman that you were and when this mess is sorted out, she will return. She has always been there!

Mums can seem to be interfering or not understand our relationships but they all want the best for their daughters and yours can see things aren't right, go to her. I am certain you will find sanctuary there. Then you can make all the calls that you need to make, get some space and consider your next move.

A lot of people are thinking of you and have been where you are now. Have strength xx

vroombroom

I read the lines of he won't let me stroke my dog and thought what a !!!!!, then I read about your DS1.

Is there anyway you can get the locks changed asap and get some reinforcement on the back door?

You deserve so much better than a man that can't even support himself x

dark_lady

Your poor children and that poor dog. Please take the dog with you to your mums or leave her somewhere safe when you go to mums. Please do NOT leave her in the house cos i have a nasty feeling he will do even worse to that poor little dog.

LolaMadeline

Please do take your dog with you. I'm worried about her. That guy you are with cannot be trusted. Maybe a relative could take the dog for awhile while you get things settled. Would you like to live near your mom? Just a little place could be a snug and safe haven for you three and the dog. You don't have to let whatshisname over the threshold.

jakem_2

daisy85 wrote: »

I feel like I dont have enough of a reason to leave, if that makes any sense. He doesnt hit me or cheat on me, if he did that I would have a reason to go. I cant afford to keep him while he spends all his money on gambling and I cant stand the way he treats my dog and DS1.
I wish I had the courage now to just tell him to leave. How do I get strong enough to do it? The worst thing I ever did was talk to him in the shop that day, I feel like I have wasted the last 5 years of my life on feeling like rubbish.

Daisy, this is not how life is meant to be, you know deep down that he is not right in his attitude to you or your first child, ok, there are times when he is making the tea etc, but that is for 5 mins, think of the times when he is slagging your mum off who at least looks after your first child cause he dont want nothing to do with him, then there is your little dog, he has a mean streak daisy, any man that can shut out your first child, and torment your dog is not right in the head.

He dont work, he gambles, he eats and uses up your gas etc, and is controlling you.

I didnt think I had enough reason to split up with my ex, he didnt hit me or cheat on me, but it was how he made me feel, I was losing ME the vibrant woman I once was.

You are only young, and deserve much much better, if not for you but your children, get your fire back and tell him to sling his hook as he will drag you down further and that is no good for your kids, at least you have your mother in your corner, and a good mother is 100 times better for you than he will ever be.

gillypkk

to be brutally honest

you are in an abusive relationship. he is controlling you and making you feel how you feel - worthless basically.

ive been there. my ex never actually hit me. he threatened it, clenched his fist, raised it, then would say "you would love it if i hit you. would give you a reason to leave" then put it down again and carry on calling me all the names under the sun. he would throw things at me though (phones, bottles of juice, DS1s toys even).

it wasnt till i was out of it after having DS2 that i realised i was in an abusive relationship.

please please please get out now. if not for you but for your 2 wonderful children who deserve so much more than this.