Is this how life is meant to be?

Money_maker

Likewise, clear your browsing history.

3v3

daisy85 wrote: »

...
My thinking is that there are other women in a hell of a lot worse situation than what I am in and I shouldnt be clogging up their phone lines....

Yes, there are women who are in a worse situation (but, most of them won't be clogging phone lines, because they are way too scared and intimidated).

Equally, there are women who are in situations which are not glaringly as difficult as your own; they may, or may not be on those phonelines.

Fact is, you will never know

It's a phone call, only two things can happen: you get an engaged tone, or they answer

coin_operated_girl

balletshoes wrote: »

no, this is not how life is supposed to be - and its not what a healthy relationship is either.

I suspect the minute you get strong and tell your OH to sling his hook for good, you'll start getting back to the woman you were and liked 5 years ago .

/\/\ This

I have recently come out of a 6 year relationship with someone who i was with since the age of 18. Whilst my ex was never abusive or horrible (quite the opposite in fact), he was far too over protective of me to the point where he took over a bit and i just took a back seat with everything. I didn't realise it at the time but i lost who i was. The instant he left everyone said they noticed a massive change in me. They keep saying how happy and confident i am now...and i have noticed the change in myself as well. Whilst my ex had taught me so much during our time together i feel like the biggest lesson he taught me was when he left- he has shown me who i really am.

Leave this guy and don't look back. I promise you won't regret it

K,A+P_2

Partners are supposed to bring out the very best in you and help you to be the very best person you can be.

This man...well, need I say more?

He sounds like a complete and utter scumbag. Sorry to be so blunt, but seriously - are there any good points?

He also sounds like a narcissist and you should steer well clear of those. There are some lovely, beautiful men in the world who will make you feel like a princess- he is NOT one of them. Get rid and spend some time getting "yourself", your self esteem, your self respect and your life back.

Why do you think you deserve to be treated that way? I'm pretty sure you DON'T think that you do, however - every single second you spend in this man's presence, you are disrespecting yourself. You deserve better.

prettykitty

Don't feel bad. He sounds like he is abusing your good nature. Your kids are better off with you as a single parent than with this negative influence, and there are lots of men out there who would treat you with respect. He may not have actually struck you, but mental abuse is just as serious and people who are cruel to children and animals are often not too many steps away from physical cruelty. There are certainly women out there who are worse off - being beaten as I write, virtually kept prisoner etc - at one point they were where you are now, with the uncertainty, things might be OK etc. I can't see your future but why wait and see? He is making you depressed NOW, affecting your children NOW, please please follow this advice, nobody at Women's Aid, Refuge etc would say you are wasting their time. You're worth better than this - and if you don't believe that, then surely you agree that your sons do not need such a negative influence.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your children

Giddytimes

What an awful situation to be in Daisy, your OH sounds like he's ground you down with mental abuse over the years, I'm thinking of you.
You're still young and it doesn't sound like you're depending on him financially in anyway which will make leaving him easier, just think how much happier the next 5 years will be without him. :j

3v3

daisy85 wrote: »

....

I NEED to leave and I need to do it sooner rather than later, I need to work out a place to stay away from here for a little while just so he cant intimidate me after I have said what I have to say. ...

Ok, sometimes the obvious escapes me

This is *your* home, right? You don't live together full time?

Get your locks changed! By all means book yourself a week away in a caravan park or somewhere if you feel that will help, but, if this is *your* home and he doesn't live there, why do you feel *you* need to leave?

Call the CAB in the morning and explain the situation; they can give you some free legal advice. Then, call your local Police and ask to speak to the Domestic Violence Officer (DV isn't only physical: it is emotional, sexual, financial and psychological), they will also be able to advise you and also suggest other agencies who can assist you through this difficult time. Next, call your GP for an appointment.

You need all these organisations working together and in tandem to strengthen your case against your fears (e.g. the threats he made about your ability to function - nuts! - and to prove you are solid as a rock )

When you are gathering photo's, also remember your tenancy agreement, bank statements, bills (to show a history of you paying for everything!) birth certificates etc., money (cash), bank cards. You could also pack (and hide somewhere) a "go-bag" - an overnight case for you and the boys in case you feel the need to "escape" at a moments notice.

You also need to stop enabling him with his gambling (give him no more money )

Just_Plain_Jane

3v3 is spot on here.

Gather any belongings he has at your place and tell him to sling his hook. Change the locks and if he breaks in, threatens you, stalks you or harasses you in any way, call the police.

With regards to access to his son, see a solicitor. As this joker sounds like such a loose cannon, I would push for supervised contact at a contact centre.

daisy85

Thank you guys, I have just rang my sister to see if she could pop up for a little while. I showed her this thread and she said she was so proud of me for actually getting it out in the open and maybe I could now see that this isnt normal.

Yeah, its my house but he comes and goes as he pleases, he knows the back door can be forced open (it doesnt lock very well) and uses that to his advantage. I am going to call my landlord in the morning and get it sorted out.
I feel like I need to leave to be out of the firing line for a while so that he can calm down a bit and not start smashing my house up or waiting for me to go in or out.

Im not financially dependant on him, more like the other way around. I have swapped bank accounts and closed down paypal as that is how he was taking my money.

I can feel comfortable tonight in my own bed with my dog knowing that he wont be 'forcing' himself on me. Thats a huge relief in itself

Nickitree30

It doesn't surprise me he is so against your mum, he is trying to seperate and alienate you from her, another aspect of his controlling behaviour. I would be willing to bet money that she sees him for the waste of space he actually is!
In regards to him saying you are nuts please have a read at this http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting I saw it here on another persons thread. People who are emotionally abusive very often use this technique to chip away at their partners confidence and self esteem.

Just think, if just by typing your original post you already started feeling clearer how much better are you going to feel once you are no longer in this relationship. The wonderful people on here have given some excellent advice, please, please take it and start getting back the person you once were.