Is this how life is meant to be?

YORKSHIRELASS

First off you are a good person who has coped with a lot and is trying to do the best for your kids. You had a child at 18 then found out your son was autistic - thats a lot for anyone to deal with so you should be proud of yourself.

A partner should make you feel safe, loved and should make you feel good about yourself. They should support you emotionally and respect your friends and family. No-one says your partner has to love your Mum but slagging her off and trying to damage your relationship is totally out of order.

You say you arent the person you used to be. Why? I think you know the answer to this love - its not you, its your partner and he is responsible for himself and his own actions.

Look ahead into the future - do you really want to be with this person forever? How is the relationship between him and your eldest going to develop? He cant even be kind to your dog. I am sorry to say this but he sounds like a bully who wants to control you and every part of your life.

There is so much in your post that worries me. Ending this relationship would not be easy but looking at it from an outsider its your only option. Its time to put yourself and your kids first.

Get the help of your Mum and sister and tell them what you want to do. I am sure they will support you. Be brave and strong, you have coped with so much already - you can do this.

daisy85

I have thought about calling a helpline but Im scared they might call me when he is here, I can only write this because he has stormed out because he said I was in too much of a bad mood.
My thinking is that there are other women in a hell of a lot worse situation than what I am in and I shouldnt be clogging up their phone lines.
I wish I could leave now and never come back

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You poor thing, I really feel for you. You feel like you have the world on your shoulders, right? Well, let me tell you, life is better than this and can be better for you!

Your current beau is jealous. From reading your posts, he has been jealous from the start, of friendships you had, with you and your mother's relationship and now incredibly jealous of your dog! To hit a dog is absolutely not on and incredibly immature, do not let this vile person teach your kids to do this. This makes my blood boil. It's pure and utter jealousy.

You seem like a lovely, bright, intelligent young lady. You have the world at your feet. See if you can get some help from your mum, family members, brothers, male cousins etc.. to help you get out.

You're not happy

You weren't happy from the start.

It won't get better whilst he's still like this

People like this prey on and gradually wear down and suck the life right out of bright happy people to insecure withering wrecks. It's a well known controlling mechanism. You are better than this and have a huge amount of life left in front of you.

It'll be hard, it'll be painful it won't be easy

Your children are better off WITHOUT him - make no mistake about this

But you can do it and you’ll be in a much better brighter happier place than you are now.

You need a huge dose of confidence and bravery... but you will get there! Sorry if I seem full on in this post, I see all the signs and if any help can help just one person, that's all it takes.

Change your life now, whilst you recognise that you can, don't wait until another year goes by

Best of luck xxx

Errata

He's trashing your life. Have a read of this https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963
and contact your local Domestic Abuse service for support and help.

If I do tell him to sling his hook I am scared of what he might do to himself.

You are not responsible for what he does with his life.

Sambucus_Nigra

daisy85 wrote: »

he has no other family so a part of me feels sorry for him

How convenient for him - he's made you feel so sorry for him that you feel guilty about even thinking of breaking it off. Nice.

The BEST bit of your post is that he doesn't live with you. Hooray.

ska_lover

daisy85 wrote: »

I have thought about calling a helpline but Im scared they might call me when he is here, I can only write this because he has stormed out because he said I was in too much of a bad mood.
My thinking is that there are other women in a hell of a lot worse situation than what I am in and I shouldnt be clogging up their phone lines.
I wish I could leave now and never come back

The helpline wouldnt call you while he is there. Tell them your situation and they wont, they are very professional

Money_maker

daisy85 wrote: »

I feel like I dont have enough of a reason to leave

Just read your posts again. The way he treats your dog horrifies me let alone your DS1.

Strangely I feel so much more settled now I have written it down. If I write anything down normally he reads it, I have no privacy, I cant even have a bath on my own! He reads emails, facebook, letters, texts, everything. I have to keep my most private things in my car and pray to god he doesnt get his hands on the car keys. At least on here its anonymous

This is not right, this is abuse - it doesn't have to be physical. Make plans, get important paperwork to your mams or other safe place, ring the helplines. This sounds like a timebomb waiting to go off. You are being controlled and when you break free you need a safe place to go.

This disgusting parasite is living off you whilst maintaining full control of your life. He's not going to let you go without a fight so you must be prepared.

daisy85

Oh thank you so much for all of your replies I am sat here with tears rolling down my face.
I honestly feel so much better from just talking about it, it is usually something i would keep all bottled up, my head feels so much clearer and far less muddled. I was worried that I was just picking on him and this is how things really are meant to be.

I NEED to leave and I need to do it sooner rather than later, I need to work out a place to stay away from here for a little while just so he cant intimidate me after I have said what I have to say.

I think my first step will be to move my photos and precious things out so he cant get his hands on them and destroy them

Seriously, thank you each and every one of you

3v3

daisy85 wrote: »

Five years ago I would have said that I would absolutely never be in a relationship that is abusive, it feels like things like that could never happen to me.

You are right 3v3 (sorry it wont let me thank you for your post) I DO need to take a step back, when you are in it you cant see the wood for the trees. If my best friend had wrote that I would drag her out of the house and give her a good shake.
I dont know why I feel dutiful or fearful, maybe I am just too nice lol. i should think about me and my kids.

Strangely I feel so much more settled now I have written it down. If I write anything down normally he reads it, I have no privacy, I cant even have a bath on my own! He reads emails, facebook, letters, texts, everything. I have to keep my most private things in my car and pray to god he doesnt get his hands on the car keys. At least on here its anonymous

Respecting a person's privacy is a fundamental aspect of "Trust". It does not exist for your OH (unfortunately; but, that is *his* problem and not yours).

I agree that you really do need to put your children first; if you are noticing that your DS2 is mimicking his father's behaviour, it really is time you thought through the longer term potential of that.

Just to reassure you when you say 5yrs ago you wouldn't have contemplated an abusive relationship, take comfort in the fact that no one (man or woman!) seeks out an abusive relationship The difficulty in spotting one is, it rarely becomes apparent until your self-esteem (and, in some cases, self-respect) has diminished to such a point where life outside that relationship appears a million miles away and unreachable (or worse, undeserved!).

I'm am delighted that you have found somewhere you can express your thoughts and feelings without fearing someone peering over your shoulder. That is the very first step

Do not fret at this moment, the words you will choose to inform him the relationship is over; there is a little way to go yet before you reach that point. He may refuse to leave; so you need to have in place some idea of how you will deal with that (back to mums, perhaps?). He may leave, but continue to harass you (emotionally, psychologically) and you need to have some idea how you will deal with that. He may try to emotionally blackmail you (only you know him well enough to judge, but you will need to have an idea how you will cope with that, or a support framework in place).

If you think about this in the same way that you did your Uni degree, each step you take is like completing a module; you didn't get a degree overnight ... you took it step by step.

Do seek advice from professional and voluntary organisations! They will be able to help you take those steps, in the right order, so that your position becomes stronger and stronger. They will be able to give you the support that an internet forum, with the best will in the world, cannot fulfil.

Do keep posting! Just do not make it your only avenue on the road to confidence, self-esteem and decision making

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You go girl!!

You can do this, be strong and think of how much better your life will be without him and with your kids. Come back here for advice and support and get as much support from the outside world as you can. It won't be easy. Make sure you click the 'log out' button too on here so he can't see your posts and choose a password that you don't normally use.

You can do this!