Is this how life is meant to be?

daisy85

A bit of background first I guess....

I had my first DS when I was 18 (hes 7 now) and I lived at home with my mam until I was 21. When I lived there everything was great, I was outgoing, confident, started Uni, was really close with my family, had control of everything in my life and was generally really settled and happy.

When I first moved out of my mams house when I was 21 a lad I had known at school saw me in a shop one day. He eventually found out where I had moved to and started turning up at my house at all hours bringing me presents and asking me out. I got really sick of it but I was too nice to tell him to go away and leave me alone. Gradually he wore me down with his present giving and turning into a bit of a bully if I did something he didnt like, such as me having friends over (especially male friends).

Fast forward 5 years and I have totally forgot who that girl once was, I am still in that relationship (and have also had another DS with him) and I just feel like I am stuck. I was wondering if the things that happen in my relationship are things that happen in every relationship? I am wondering if I am moaning about nothing?

My OH doesnt work and never has in all the time I have known him, he 'makes' his money by gambling his JSA. I dont live with him but he is at my house all the time, eating my food, using my gas and electric and occasionally taking money from my bank account to fund his losing streak on the horses. He does however help with DS2 (his child) to the extent that if I need to attend appointments etc I can leave DS2 with him, but I usually have to find alternative childcare for DS1 (usually my mam).

OH dislikes my mam a lot and says she is interfering and a 'waste of oxygen', he doesnt like DS2 going to my mams house as he believes that she will be nasty to him and not look after him properly. This isn't the case at all.My mam often visits my sister who lives a few streets away from me. OH frequently tells me that my mam favours my sister over me cos she never comes to my house to visit. I usually have to sit and listen to him slagging my mam off for at least an hour at a time, with him often telling me she is on his 'hate' list.

Also on his hate list is my little Jack Russell. I treat my dog like another one of my kids but he absolutely cant stand her, he is always grabbing her and chasing her. He wont let her on the sofa either whereas I do. He hates it if I stroke her so often have to do it slyly or in secret. I have often come in from being somewhere and she has been outside in the rain for hours. He always tells he that next time I go out he is going to ring the dog warden and get rid of her. He has hit her with stuff before and encourages the kids to hit her if she has done something naughty. It might sound ridiculous but I am powerless to stop this going on, if I do anything to try and help her she will just end up even worse off

My eldest DS1 is autistic, OH absolutely refuses to acknowledge this and the fact that DS1 struggles with things and has his own interests that he focusses on and enjoys doing, I let DS1 get on with his interests cos i know it makes him happy but OH isnt happy cos he doesnt play football or he cant ride a bike like 'normal' kids. it always seems like we are in teams, OH and DS2 and me and DS1. I have to be careful though, that it desnt seem like I am favouring or giving DS1 more attention than DS2.

I dont really know where to start with what he says to me. He can be the most charming man, making the tea, tidying up, looking after DS2, doing the washing. But on the other hand he can make me feel so nervous. I never know what mood he is in when I come in from somewhere, I pray he has won on the horses so he isn't going to be in a bad mood and ignore me and pretend I dont exist. I feel like I am walking on eggshells all the time.

In contrast to the outgoing, confident girl I was 5 years ago, I am now a depressive young woman feeling very unhappy. In the past few years I have suffered from anxiety, panic attacks, eating disorders, depression, body problems, self esteem/ self confidence problems, masses of debt, nervousness, in general I feel like I cant be me and like the things I like cos they are stupid or not good enough.

So, is this how life is meant to be? I am so incredibly confused about everything. Is this how a relationship really is, or am I searching for an unobtainable fairytale?

Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading xx

balletshoes

no, this is not how life is supposed to be - and its not what a healthy relationship is either.

I suspect the minute you get strong and tell your OH to sling his hook for good, you'll start getting back to the woman you were and liked 5 years ago .

daisy85

Thank you for replying balletshoes, I just feel so messed up.
I am wondering how to go about it, he has no other family so a part of me feels sorry for him and like I have a duty to be there for him. If I do tell him to sling his hook I am scared of what he might do to himself. I know he will tell me he is going to try and get DS2 took off me because he is always telling me I am 'nuts' and that I cant look after the kids.

I need a plan to get out of this...

Decluttering

It's not how life is supposed to be and I think you know that too, otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question. Your life could be a lot more positive without him, I hope that you find the courage to leave him and return to the life you had before you met him x

daisy85

I feel like I dont have enough of a reason to leave, if that makes any sense. He doesnt hit me or cheat on me, if he did that I would have a reason to go. I cant afford to keep him while he spends all his money on gambling and I cant stand the way he treats my dog and DS1.
I wish I had the courage now to just tell him to leave. How do I get strong enough to do it? The worst thing I ever did was talk to him in the shop that day, I feel like I have wasted the last 5 years of my life on feeling like rubbish.

neneromanova

Just think of it like this, the things your DS2 sees are things that he will grow up thinking are right. Is this really how your want your little man to grow up to be like as if any of my kids did that I'd be so embarrassed.

Good Luck

3v3

Of course this is not how most people live their lives; it is how many abusive relationships exist though.

How do you go about making plans to exist this relationship? There are women support groups who could offer you emotional support and practical advice (Domestic Violence support group would be a start). Even is he has not be physically violent towards you, if you explained how you feel, how the relationship works, they would be able to offer you both emotional support and practical advice re: exiting the relationship. You could go and speak to your GP and ask for advice on where to seek appropriate advice (plus, gets you known as someone who is most definately not "nuts" )

The main problem you have right now though, is that you still "feel" for him (sorry/dutiful/fearful) and you need to take a step back from the situation and ask yourself: if your best friend had written that post, what advice would you give them? It is not healthy to stay with someone who you feel sorry for/duty bound to/fearful of the consequences of; it is *your* health which is suffering. What would the you of 5yrs ago have said to the you of today?

Good luck! You *can* do this; you *will* get through this. Look deep inside yourself and you will find the strength you need to deal with all that lies ahead of you ((hugs))

daisy85

I would be absolutely distraught if DS2 treat someone the way his dad treats me. The thing is is that he has already started behaving like that, he has no respect for me at all and doesn't listen to a word I say.

How do I break it off though? Do I just say I aren't happy? Should I try and get full custody of DS2 first so that he can't threaten me with it?

Decluttering

He might not physically hurt you or go off with other women but from what I've read he intimidates you, he disrespects your family and he wears you down with negative comments. That isn't what a relationship should be, you should be enjoyinng it, not tiptoeing around his moodswings.

Have you thought about calling a helpline for some advice?

daisy85

Five years ago I would have said that I would absolutely never be in a relationship that is abusive, it feels like things like that could never happen to me.

You are right 3v3 (sorry it wont let me thank you for your post) I DO need to take a step back, when you are in it you cant see the wood for the trees. If my best friend had wrote that I would drag her out of the house and give her a good shake.
I dont know why I feel dutiful or fearful, maybe I am just too nice lol. i should think about me and my kids.

Strangely I feel so much more settled now I have written it down. If I write anything down normally he reads it, I have no privacy, I cant even have a bath on my own! He reads emails, facebook, letters, texts, everything. I have to keep my most private things in my car and pray to god he doesnt get his hands on the car keys. At least on here its anonymous

ska_lover

This isnt how life is meant to be hun.

From reading your last couple of posts I can see that you know it isn't a good idea to stay with him Daisy.
You do have enough reason to leave him in the fact that you are not happy, and he bullies you into submission by not having friends over and is very conrolling that you cant leave personal stuff around your own home. When he met you in the shop that day, he knew you had a child, but didn't take you on as a family unit, and is only interested in the child that is biologically is, which really isnt fair. I can 100% guarantee if you stay with this dude then you will regret it, you could waste the best years of your life on this looser. He isnt even interested in getting a job.

You do need to speak with him and tell him you are not happy. How do you think he will react? If you think he is likely to start screaming/shouting (or worse) then send the kids to be babysat somewhere or if you feel nervous, you could get a friend to be there.

You dont have a duty to be there for this man.

I was with a guy like this once. He was violent on top of all that though and used to cheat and rub my face in it by turning up home with lovebits on his neck. I couldnt leave my handbag laying unattended or anything cos he would be in there, take any money, even milktokens, he would not work, support the family and was controlling. After four years he got sent to prison so I moved house to get away from the scumbag. I think he got the message.