Possibly over-reacting but MY HOUSE, MY RULES

Rain_is_Insane

My DS is 17 (and a bit, as he is quick to correct me). At his age my curfew was lifted as I was working quite late into the night.

Now....while he doesn't have an actual curfew as such, I do ask him to be home at a reasonable time, and if he would like to stay at a friends house instead I ask him to let me know as soon as possible so I don't waste food making him his evening meal, etc.

This evening, he has just phoned me and told me that he is "staying at a friends and will be home in time to get showered and changed for college in the morning"

In the words of my brother "I've grown a pair" and said "no I'd like you home tonight please"

He's just accused me of being unreasonable because I have asked him to stay at home tonight.

Am I still treating him like a child? or am I just standing my ground and quite rightly so?

bagginslover

I don't know, he has done as you have asked and let you know he's going to be staying out. Unless he has a history of coming in very late with no call to warn you, or staying out without telling you it might be a little over the top. However it is your house, and so your rules, just make sure you aren't changing them without telling him

whitewing

I think he's right.

I do however think that if it becomes a lot of staying out etc (ie he is taking the mick out of you, or specific friends, or becoming inconsiderate then that needs to be addressed separately). He needs to be responsible.

tealady

I would say to him "Fine" but don't cook him any more meals at night. If he wants lodgings then he
1) Pays rent
2) Buys his own food
3) Cooks it
4) Cleans up his own mess.

He wants to be treated like an adult, so do so and show him what the REAL world is like.

Tropez

Well if he's still clinging on to that 17 "and a bit" malarkey to try and make himself sound older than he is, then he is behaving like a child. I thought that "I'm 9 and a half, actually!" stuff finished once you hit double digits!

From how you've presented it, you sound more annoyed that he told you he was staying over, rather than asked permission, right? If so, I think it is perfectly acceptable for you to tell him to come home simply because he isn't displaying any manners.

rachbc

why do you want him home - is it because he needs to do somethinf specific, or is it 'just' becuase you said so? if the former fair enough if the later then I'm not so sure...after all the rules are to let you know - which he has done.
He sounds like he's got his head screwed on if he's planning on getting to college tomorrow (which is impressive as its the hols here!)

Sambucus_Nigra

But, he has done what you asked and told you as soon as he knows that he will be staying over; put the dinner in the fridge and he can have it tomorrow. I think he's being sensible calling you so early in the evening...he could have just not come home at all or texted you at midnight.

bagginslover

Also, if he has no actual curfew, does he know what you deem a reasonable hour? Perhaps sit down and agree a curfew for him coming home, and a (much earlier) time for him to call you by if he isn't coming home. 'growing a pair' doesn't have to mean putting your foot down, just setting firm boundaries and sticking to them

j.e.j.

It sounds like you are put out that he has told you that he'll be at his friend's rather than asked you: "mum, please can I stay round x's house tonight?"

I don't know. I'd say don't go off at the deep end. What is the real issue here? Is it that you feel he's being rude, or is it more of a power struggle between you?

Having a 'it's my way or the highway' approach may or may not get you the response you want. Maybe just say to him it'd be courteous if he could ask you in future.

KiKi

I don't see what he's done wrong. You asked him to let you know if she stays out - and he did.

You didn't have a rule saying he has to ask. Whilst that might be good manners, at 17, he's nearly an adult - and being asked to 'tell' you when he's out - he's done everything according to the rules you set for him.

Personally, I'd call him back, and explain that you were cross that he didn't ask permission, but realise that you perhaps hadn't made it clear that he needs to ask. So he can stay out tonight, but in future he needs to ask permission.

Your house, your rules - yes. But the rules need to be clear! And at 17, the "because I say so" doesn't wash. You need a reason, and as it's the school holidays, and unless you need him at home for something, I'm not sure there is a reason. If you're reasonable with him on this, hopefully he'll be reasonable back.

KiKi

Plans_all_plans

I am kind of on the fence on this one really.

How is he in general? What are his grades like? Is he generally responsible/respectful? Does he have a part time job/do chores etc?

A decade ago I was the 16 year old out all night at parties, pubs, clubs, boyfriends houses etc. My mum did everything in her power to stop me but I just refused to listen and did what I wanted. I felt that she was a control freak, even though I now realise she was trying to do her best by me. My grades didn't suffer and I had a part time job though.

As a mother now, I know I wouldn't like my daughter out all night, but if she was behaving herself otherwise and not failing at school, I'd be more lenient.

Maybe just say to him that you're ok with him staying out this eve, but you need to have more notice next time and if he doesn't give it to you, you'll be withdrawing privileges.