Did anyone Used to Get Smacked as a Child?

Person_one

Zoetoes wrote: »

Goading isn't helpful.

blue_monkey has been open and honest about her parenting and her feelings as a parent, and to be fair is taking some stick for her honesty.

There are too many ready to jump on any little imperfection and say how they'd do it better. (this is not aimed at you Person_one)

What's that saying - walk a mile in their shoes...

Goading? Why is a suggestion of counselling always seen as an insult? Thousands of people benefit from it and find that it makes life for them and for their families so much happier and easier.

If you can't solve a problem yourself, get help. I just can't understand sitting back saying 'there's no answer things will always be awful', don't people want to at least try to be happy?

lynzpower

blue_monkey wrote: »

I am not failing at all. person-one (no kids) has quite clealy said parents are failing for punishing their children. I have no failed at all in being a parent - no parents fail, they bring them up the say they see fit - only others tell them have failed it is disgraceful to do that when you do not have the experience to do so.

I have not palmed my kids off on anyone, nor have I shoved them in the free playscheme like some parents do when they have had enough of them - I put up and deal with it. That is what being a parent is, not dumping them when you have had enough as you are clearly suggesting I do.

Aside from this, you also have to consider that she is going to feel I do not want her with me because her brother cannot go and has to stay here with me - how much do you think this is going to damage her? Have you given this ANY thought?

I did not stand over her at the playscheme, you are very wrong and as you was not there do not know, this is not what the playscheme is. She was left quite happy to get on and do thing, what I did see though is her wanting to do crafts and there was no-one on the craft table, hardly any materials just a 4 year old that had been left (sorry, dumped) chucking all the beads on the floor.

No, I am not going to palm her off - school is for socialising as is Brownie camps and when we meet up with friends or go to the park. She is not a child that mixes readily or is sporty. Yet you can judge me for not palming her off in a strange environment. That would not be a very good parent in my eyes, sorry.

Do you think she is not going to be angry when she gets home because she has been left there? Do you think that is going to make her happy? Do you suggest that giving your kids to someone else to look after because you cannot be botehred is acceptable? Sorry, but I do not. They are not even looked after there and they can leave whenever they want - and this is not acceptable to me. Clerly our views on parenting are very different. You call it 'socialising' when really all you are suggesting I do is dump her somewhere with strangers because I have had enough of her. And then I go and see her friends without her. Funny ideas you have really.

And if I can minimise the time I expose my children to swearing then I will. And we wonder why children grow up with no moral values.

]I dont know. I can only talk of the schemes that I know of. In my day we went to a playsheme that was at a nearby primary school with children from my school ( who i knew, or didn't know) and children from the other school ( some I knew through brownies and the like) and some I didnt. I would call it socialising because the point of it is to meet new friends in a safe environments and to do games/crafts with them. I dont get why brownies is apparently social but a playscheme is not., I would say they are both there to help children with social skills along with to learn new skills and achieve things for fun.

If a child doesnt mix well then I suppose my feeling is that they should be in social situations more to learn how different people interact, learning new ways of give and take. Keeping her at home and having the same tantrums which you say yourself are repetitive, maybe she may learn new skills about listening, sharing and doing from others. indeed you have said that she behaves well at school, so maybe she behaves well at playscheme too which is better than arguing with you, her dad,her brother etc at home.

You did say
"Because surely that then defeats the point of staying at home with them?

As much as I would love to I would feel I would have failed by sending just one of them there - trust me, i have looked,."

You did say you felt you were failing your children if you let them do something that is not "staying home with them"

Why would she be angry about being "dumped" again this is your reasoning about dumping. I never thought i was being "dumped" anywhere, playschemes, brownies and the other things I did were about being lucky to have the opportunity and to do things with new freinds and have a fun time. I dont think most children do feel "dumped" many if not all will see the potential to go and do fun stuff. Maybe she wonders why her mum wont let her play independently when other children are. Maybe she even doesn't know what her independence is yet? Maybe she doesnt yet feel comfortable with being alone. I dont know your child you are right but I can identify with her arguing day in day out with parents, tempers frayed all around and you potentially thinking hitting your child across the face will be the "cure".

Also getting a break from your children can mean you have something to talk about that isnt a telling off. Hell you might even miss her ( in a positive way) and look forward to her return.

I can see from every word that is written that your family life is a very fraught existence. I really hope you can find a way through this that does not involve hitting your 9 year old.

balletshoes

Zoetoes wrote: »

What are they play schemes like these days? I remember going when I was a kid. Is it properly supervised? Do they not let them leave without a parent and all that sort of stuff?

thats exactly what ours is like - a parent/guardian has to sign the kids in, and sign them out again. Ours is properly supervised by council leisure centre staff, and they lead the activities too. This is for ages 8-15.

Person_one

blue_monkey wrote: »

So you are now suggesting I need CBT because I am annoyed at your suggestion of calling me a failure as a parent? Any parent would be annoyed at that, sorry, that does not make us all need CBT. I deal with much more than other parents have ever experienced with their children and you have the nerve to call me a failure. You are actually quite pathetic. it all looks rosy in yourlittle world doesn't it. Please take an hour to read up on Autism and Aspergers to actually see the kind of meltdowns 'parents like me' have to deal with.

Everyone is entitled to get annoyed about things, expecially when they are being called failures because they do not meet 'the required' level of expectation (from someone who has no idea).

As I said, you would make a very good social worker. It all comes out of a book you know. Choose which one for the day.

Assumptions assumptions. I wasn't going to bring it up, because it makes it sound like I agree with the idea that you can only have an opinion on a situation if you have hands on experience, but... there are two people in my family on the spectrum, one has Asperger's and functions reasonably well, one is severely autistic and will likely never be able to live independently.

I don't recall calling you a failure, I remember referring to a 'parenting fail' but you are likely reading far too deeply and personally into that. All parents have successes and failures.

Zoetoes

Person_one wrote: »

Goading? Why is a suggestion of counselling always seen as an insult? Thousands of people benefit from it and find that it makes life for them and for their families so much happier and easier.

If you can't solve a problem yourself, get help. I just can't understand sitting back saying 'there's no answer things will always be awful', don't people want to at least try to be happy?

You said she has 'quite a temper' and suggesting that it is contributing to the situation at home. The little girl's behaviour is the cause. Counselling is not for everyone and how would it 'solve the problem'?

blue_monkey_2

balletshoes wrote: »

blue_monkey I'm really trying to understand your point of view. On the one hand, earlier you said that because you have no close family or friends who can take your children for a break, you are with them all the time. But from what you've said in your last few posts it seems you won't consider any other alternative, and you do consider it normal and preferable to spend all your time with your children.

You think that the only reason children would be left at a playscheme is because their parents want to offload them. Not at all, in my experience. I knew a few of the kids who went to my local one last year, most of the 10-year olds and upwards went because their friends were going, and they got to spend the day together (from 10am to 3pm, and no-one could leave until a parent/guardian signed them out). My daughter did go because I was working, but thats why I took her cousin with her, so they had each other while they were doing the activities. Thats why I suggested you take a friend with her.

Maybe if the playscheme is not a structured one, its not a good idea and your daughter would be bored. But I still don't think that children only get sent to these kind of events just because their parents can't be bothered with them - what about the themed schemes, like holiday swimming lessons, tennis etc? Parents send their kids to those so they can learn and get better at something which is good for the kids, or interests them.

I'm off work with my 10-year old this week, and the week and a bit before she goes back to school. We've been here there and everywhere this week (not at home) and at the end of August she has some playdates, outings etc organised which I will not be present at - not because I'm offloading her, but because she wants to go, and to her spending time with her peers is far more interesting than spending all her time with me - and I have no problem with that .

The problem I have ballet is I cannot just go 'here, there and everywhere' like other families do because of my son. He needs 1:1 and he has severe behaviour issues so I cannot take the pair of them together, on my own. We have to go with friends or people that can accompany us (I have even paid £1000 for someone to come on holiday with us before because my husband was rejigging the bathroom for DS needs and we could not be at home). So this is what we do, arrange to meet with people and do things. We have been doing Geo-caching lately.

If I send my daughter to the playscheme, trust me, she will be more angry because DS is here with me. She is not sporty at all, I've tried to get her into the swimming ones, syncro, dance and drama, she is just not into any of those, they did a pony one but she got allergic to horse and animals - there is not a lot else left except this other one. And it is pretty crummy, they have told me if a child wants to leave, they can. She is currently at a sleep over with a friend til tomorrow.

Almost every day we have met up with people, we are not here on our own and we are seeing people so we are socialising, however it is never going to be enough, is it?

Zoetoes

balletshoes wrote: »

thats exactly what ours is like - a parent/guardian has to sign the kids in, and sign them out again. Ours is properly supervised by council leisure centre staff, and they lead the activities too. This is for ages 8-15.

Sounds good. I think maybe blue_monkey is a little apprehensive possibly because the little girl is only 8.

delain

There are some (admittedly on estates) in Bournemouth where children over 8 can come and go without signing in or out.

There was only a church holiday club here for two hours a day for 5 days. It was very good and very structured though, my lit go every year and enjoy it.

bluenoseam

I got smacked and it never once did me any harm other than to backup the point that what i'd done was unacceptable and required punishment. I was given a warning then warned a second time, if by that time I didn't get the point what I was doing was wrong then third time I'd get smacked giving me the understanding that hey, I was told twice to stop but I didn't so I'd face the consequences of my actions.

I'm not a violent person, I don't feel the urge to go out and beat someone up (although possess the necessary ability to defend myself should need arise) and don't feel the need to lash out at anything. When I do get frustrated yes it's true I'll boot an inanimate object, but never anything living.

Kids these days grow up without fear of reprisals for their repeated wrongdoing to the stage where they get into REAL trouble (the foundations of positive correction having been ignored for the fear they're "brutal") and suddenly you have a kid being arrested for something which could have been solved had they been smacked for a less severe varient as a child. Some kids don't take the point of "naughty steps" or "time out" - go sit on a step and think about your actions then say "sorry" in a way which isn't sarcastic, what's that telling you?!? Any kid with a braincell in their skull can understand that if you say it without being demeaning then it'll be accepted - thus encouraging lying amongst kids who miss the point of the excersise.

But then again, I guess my mentality is that it didn't do me any harm, nor my parents, nor theirs before them - meanwhile I see kids these days with these soft touch options and while a number of them take the lesson, there's still a number of them who DON'T and are causing trouble as a result.

tiamai_d

Person_one wrote: »

I never cease to be amazed at the arrogance and closed mindedness of some parents, who apparently think that reproducing provides you with some special magical insight and that anyone who keeps their zygotes to themselves has no right to an opinion.

Why would having children suddenly make me think its ok to hit them?

I just wonder how you can know for sure what you would in a situation that you have never been in. Being an Aunt doesn't cut it, you get to give the child back.

When did I say that having children would make you think its okay to hit them? I said you were niave to think it was as simple as you think it is.

And your thinking of gametes that you keep to yourself. A zygote is the cell formed when two gametes join (fertalisation) and is the first stage of an embryo.