Did anyone Used to Get Smacked as a Child?

blue_monkey_2

milliebear00001 wrote: »

Do you really make your decisions about your family life based upon whether or not your daughter will tell lies to 'the authorities' about how you treat her? If that's really the case, then I'd say you have more to worry about than whether or not to smack - it's entirely dysfunctional for a young child to have that much power over a parent. Welcome to the real world!! Do you think I am the ONLY parent that feels this way?

In terms of your daughter's school, I find it bizarre that they called you in to 'discuss' your disciplining of her. This is not their role, and is something that schools are specifically told NOT to do, in case they prejudice any later court proceedings. If a school has real concerns, they should be reporting thm directly to Social Services.

I think that you have answered yourself there. Should the school have reported me to social services for disciplining my child instead of pulling me in to discuss it?

Because this is the exact reason why parents are too scared to discipline their children.

My friends daughter told her school something had happened to her - it was a lie - and the parents were hauled in over that too.

Children have far more control over their parents then you ever would realise. That is the reality of just how dysfunctional this country is right now and it has to change.

The kids who are actually being abused are the ones that get missed ironically. On here we rad kids that were beaten when their parents are p!ssed, being hit with belts, sticks, shoes - THAT is child abuse,a smack for discipline abuse? No. Unless of course you was an abused child and then you would say yes.

As children we was physcologically abused, my mother was a drunk, I was bullied by other children (and teachers who gave the children the rope they needed) because of our home circumstances - but physical abuse, no. We was smacked but we were not abused. You have to be able to tell the difference I am afraid - and I say that as an abused child. We was smacked - rarely - when we crossed the line. I can remember the hardest smack when we was jumping on the bed and it went through the floor. We balanced the bed and propped it up, for dad to sit on it and he fell off. My leg still stings thinking about it. Still, stopped us jumping on the beds again.

margaretclare

I haven't read through all of the thread - sorry. But I have a few thoughts.

I come from an earlier generation where smacking or hitting children was considered OK. Or rather, you heard phrases like 'give them a good hiding' and that implies something a bit more than just a smack on the bum. It was never done to me, or not at home anyway. I got worse bullying in the playground and on the way to/from school from other children. That said...

I like the idea of the 'naughty step' - come to think of it, I think that was the kind of technique used on me, although they didn't know the theory behind it. I also like the idea of 'getting down to the child's level' and speaking firmly and clearly in words the child can hear and understand. Too often I hear children being screamed at e.g. when out shopping, there's a lot of other noise going on and it goes completely over the child's head. Totally useless. Children soon develop an ability to 'switch off' or 'tune out' and retreat into their own little world.

I was told recently of an incident where there was an Ofsted inspection going on at a minor public school. Within 2 days the police were called. Why? A child had been told to stand in the corner facing the wall. This was construed as 'child abuse' and that was the accusation levelled at the school. I don't know what the outcome was.

I am a firm believer in having firm boundaries but not necessarily with physical violence, or the threat of it, to enforce the boundaries. Meals should be eaten at a table and children shouldn't be allowed to get down, run about, take food from the table, come back, eat while running around. You stay at table until everyone has finished. Bedtimes - I don't agree with TV and all the paraphernalia in a child's bedroom. Bedtime should be a time of quiet running-down preparing for sleep, not over-stimulation by watching violent films. Showing my age now, but I've never seen the need to have a TV in every room in the house and certainly not in bedrooms.

blue_monkey_2

donnap83 wrote: »

Aw flower! Your daughter sounds like a handfull. How old is she?

I think i was a bit like that when I was little.

Chin up xxxx

8 going on 18. I'd expect her attitude from a teenager tbh. This morning she has shouted at me not to speak to her again as she did not want to hear my voice (I had asked her to tidy her room which would have taken a few minutes) so I spent 90 minutes ignoring her if she spoke to me. She cries and tell me she is my slave if I ask her to tidy up. I told her I would speak to her when she apologised for speaking to me in that way - which she did eventually.

That'll be wrong too as I'll be 'physcologically damaging' her by ignoring her so someone will tell me that as well.

Tomorrow she has a sleep over planned at a friends, if I stop her going my son loses our day out together as well so he gets punished too. Ideally she should not go - but with no-one else to ever have them I need a break from her so she is going.

It's all very well people who have no children telling us what we should - or should not - be doing, but the reality is that every child is different and not all of them respond to the same punishments that 'Supernanny' dishes out on the TV. However, half the punishements I would like to impose I am scared of getting in trouble for so she get's away with more that I would like.

I should really give her the job of collecting dog poo from the garden for a week. Is that wrong? Someone call Social Services.

To the poster who says she is an aunt and would not spack the children, I would hope so too. They are not your children. And if your sister did, I doubt she would ever mention it to you anyway because that is what society does to us now, to do it and not tell anyone. I am sure those children are prefect when with you for a few hours a week - 24/7 for 6 weeks of the summer holiday - maybe you'd like to have them for that time and give it a go.

delain

blue_monkey wrote: »

I think that you have answered yourself there. Should the school have reported me to social services for disciplining my child instead of pulling me in to discuss it?

Because this is the exact reason why parents are too scared to discipline their children.

My friends daughter told her school something had happened to her - it was a lie - and the parents were hauled in over that too.

Children have far more control over their parents then you ever would realise. That is the reality of just how dysfunctional this country is right now and it has to change.

The kids who are actually being abused are the ones that get missed ironically. On here we rad kids that were beaten when their parents are p!ssed, being hit with belts, sticks, shoes - THAT is child abuse,a smack for discipline abuse? No. Unless of course you was an abused child and then you would say yes.

As children we was physcologically abused, my mother was a drunk, I was bullied by other children (and teachers who gave the children the rope they needed) because of our home circumstances - but physical abuse, no. We was smacked but we were not abused. You have to be able to tell the difference I am afraid - and I say that as an abused child. We was smacked - rarely - when we crossed the line. I can remember the hardest smack when we was jumping on the bed and it went through the floor. We balanced the bed and propped it up, for dad to sit on it and he fell off. My leg still stings thinking about it. Still, stopped us jumping on the beds again.

I can identify with a huge amount of what you say!

I've been called by the school and told that DD1 wrote a 'true' story about going home from school all by herself... Luckily I collected her from the classroom so they knew it wasn't true, if I'd been meeting her at the gate I'd have had SS round most likely, because it was such a plausible story, right down to where she kept her key to get in :eek: and this at 7 years old!.

My upbringing contained a lot of alcohol abuse from my mum and her bf, and SS did help us but they didn't do enough.

I do understand that things are much better and less kids are slipping through the net now thanks to Every Child Matters, which is wonderful in principle, but I think things are getting too extreme. No wonder the social workers are overworked and stressed, they are doing umpteen pointless visits every week.

sparrer

kawasaki_dave wrote: »

Two things here MOTHER - I was most definitely a battered child and could have regularly featured on the NSPCC adverts :rotfl:

And I was a flaming angel :A it was those horrible older sisters that caused all the trouble! :eek:

I apologise sincerely for my son's remarks and intervention in the thread (how embarrassing some children can be ), he obviously didn't have enough good hidings as a child .

blue_monkey_2

I also think there is 'less stress' on some parents in the way of having to impose discipline as a lot of them go out to work and the children are with childminders or in nursery.

Then there are those families who are extended and have sisters, brothers, nan's, mums around - children play up less when there are more people there. They can go and stay overnight with nanny or auntie and are less likely to misbehave for them and mum and dad get a break. They can go shopping for an hour or get out of the house just for a break. Let's be honest,t hey fight less when outside their own house.

However - then there are families like us. We have no family to take the children and I am a SAHM and have been since the children were born. I have my own business that runs around the kids. it does notmake any money because I cannot give it the time to make any money - however I NEED it, I need my swicth off from being a parent. For us it is just me, their dad (who works full time) and the 2 kids - and on top of that my son has autism - there are no breaks for us when life gets tough, there are no days out or weekends away for a break because my son cannot deal with it, there are no people to take the kids for a few hours when I have had enough. I cannot go shopping on my own or pop out and have a coffee or a break. If my children are not at school then they are with me. My sister will stay for the rare evening - twice in the last year - so we could go to the cinema and see Harry Potter.

Most parents are able to get out of the house to shop, work or just meet friends for a coffee or have a night out - well, we do not have that so my children are with me every single minute they are not at school.

I actually think I've done very well to get this far with only a handful (pardon the pun) of smacks over the last 8 years!!

And before anyone jumps down my throat, I did use the word SOME. Some parents have a bigger support network than others - I think, on the face of things, I do a very good job. However, I would like to be able to give my children something like a punishment of going to bed without dinner without the for fear of being prosecuted for neglect. I;ve already been called in once, at what point do they decide to call social services in, instead.

plumpmouse

blue_monkey wrote: »

Tomorrow she has a sleep over planned at a friends, if I stop her going my son loses our day out together as well so he gets punished too. Ideally she should not go - but with no-one else to ever have them I need a break from her so she is going.

.

I wouldn't let her go. I know how tough it is. I'm a sahm with no family around me. I understand how utterly exhausting it can be. But the only way to get on top of her behaviour is to keep going setting boundaries and dealing with her despite the exhaustion. If you give in she will learn that even if she is really naughty she won't be stopped.

Have you tried using positive discipline with her? It sounds like other ways don't affect her just curious how she would respond to this
With my son if he did something but failed to stop when told we do this eg biting his nails we make a chart and every night check giving him a star if he did well. We would buy a prize and keep it on top of our wardrobe where he could see it every day and remind him. At the end of the month he would get it if he had

enough stars. It worked for him. The prize doesn't have to be huge just something she really wants or would love and the chart can include any number of things/ behaviour that you want her to do. You could do it for your son at the same time so he doesn't feel left out.

Good luck

donnap83

blue_monkey wrote: »

8 going on 18. I'd expect her attitude from a teenager tbh. This morning she has shouted at me not to speak to her again as she did not want to hear my voice (I had asked her to tidy her room which would have taken a few minutes) so I spent 90 minutes ignoring her if she spoke to me. She cries and tell me she is my slave if I ask her to tidy up. I told her I would speak to her when she apologised for speaking to me in that way - which she did eventually.

That'll be wrong too as I'll be 'physcologically damaging' her by ignoring her so someone will tell me that as well.

Tomorrow she has a sleep over planned at a friends, if I stop her going my son loses our day out together as well so he gets punished too. Ideally she should not go - but with no-one else to ever have them I need a break from her so she is going.

It's all very well people who have no children telling us what we should - or should not - be doing, but the reality is that every child is different and not all of them respond to the same punishments that 'Supernanny' dishes out on the TV. However, half the punishements I would like to impose I am scared of getting in trouble for so she get's away with more that I would like.

I should really give her the job of collecting dog poo from the garden for a week. Is that wrong? Someone call Social Services.

To the poster who says she is an aunt and would not spack the children, I would hope so too. They are not your children. And if your sister did, I doubt she would ever mention it to you anyway because that is what society does to us now, to do it and not tell anyone. I am sure those children are prefect when with you for a few hours a week - 24/7 for 6 weeks of the summer holiday - maybe you'd like to have them for that time and give it a go.

Eek! She does sound a bit of a nightmare! I wasn't that bad, just a look from my mum was usually enough to stop me. I was spanked in the middle of a supermarket once when i had a tantrum. That was the one and one time i did that.

Have you threatened her with a smack? What does she do? Just carry on regardless?

I used to get a warning, then a threat of a smack, then the smack.

I haven't got kids yet, but hoping to start a family in the next couple of years. If the situation requires it, I will give me child a smack.

I don't resent my mum for smacking me, it was only ever that, a smack. One. And I think i deserved it every time. At the time i probably thought i was hard done by etc.

money_honey

I don't agree with smacking for my family - this is only from my personal experience of course. I was smacked A LOT as a child, either with a hand or a wooden spoon or ruler, and this would be for things that were fairly minor and often things children do by accident e.g. break something without meaning to. It never deterred me from being naughty, just made me really, really angry and upset. I think my dad was on a bit of a power trip about it and we used to clash all the time because our personalities are exactly the same - strong willed, really stubborn and don't like to back down. I still get angry sometimes thinking about it now, and it's given me a real problem with authority... anyway I'm going off topic now.

So because of my experiences I don't smack DD, I normally use a time out room or naughty step if she does anything, and it is always explained what she has done wrong so she knows (something which never happened to me, I often had no idea why I was being smacked). It seems to work well and I've tried to teach her that hitting anyone is wrong.

Nimeth

I never really got smacked as a child. I distinctly remember my dad threatening to do it once, he raised his hand to smack me and that was enough to get me to sit up and take notice. I was a pretty good kid, though my mother did slap me in the face once when I was a teen. But then I was giving her a lot of back talk at the time.:o

I have no problem with a good smack or two, I have even done it once on my youngest SiL. She has a very bad habit of pulling people's hair and although she is unable to talk I can tell the difference between the "I'm upset/hurting/frightened" hair-pulling and the "I'm being a brat" hair-pulling. She's not stupid and she knew what she was doing was naughty, nevertheless I gave her several warnings not to do it till the day she ripped out a sizeable chunk at which point I gave her a good short, sharp pop on the bottom (through a layer of clothing and a nappy I might add). It got the message across and the hair-pulling has stopped.

I don't agree with using it often, I think smacks on the bottom or a pop to the hand should only be used when all other disciplinary methods have failed or the child has done something dangerous. It's also not very effective past a certain age at which point parents need to take a different tack with discipline.

That said, I don't view the odd smack as assault or child abuse, I think there's a big difference between using it calmly as a form of discipline and beating a child in anger (which is never ok).