Trying for a Baby Part 7

Kitten_Pie

emsbet wrote: »

Kitten I forgot to ask, how did your OH's first week back go?

xx

"MEH"

It was very isolating, no one knew what to say so they just avoided him completely. We're finding that a lot with our friends as well, since the funeral contact has calmed and we have been left alone apart from mother and sisters.

How are you doing at work? Are people keeping their distance or have they carried on as normal?

Secretdebts

Just been lurking (sulking) for a few days thought it was time I pottered back in & got you all ss'ing again. There seems to have been a lack of while I've been quiet.

mrshappy

Kitten_Pie wrote: »

Hi Secretdebts, I feel like I haven't seen you around for a while.



Like what you did there...

you're on the ball tonght Kitten-I didn't notice that

emsbet

Kitten_Pie wrote: »

"MEH"

It was very isolating, no one knew what to say so they just avoided him completely. We're finding that a lot with our friends as well, since the funeral contact has calmed and we have been left alone apart from mother and sisters.

How are you doing at work? Are people keeping their distance or have they carried on as normal?

Oh no that's no good. I had a few people at work come and tell me how sorry they are (all women) etc but mostly people have just acted like nothing happened. I found it incredibly frustrating to start with but I guess people just don't know what to say and worry about saying the wrong thing do think it safer to not say anything.
With friends and family, people have asked me how I'm doing etc. I also talk about what happened quite a lot so people can't just not mention it. I think I found it easier to bring it up myself then people know its ok to talk about it. A few close friends who I've ended up telling a lot of the detail about what happened have said afterwards that they wanted to ask questions and understand what we went through but didn't know whether they should.
It hard for your OH at work. I bet a lot of people think that because he's a guy he won't want to talk about it. It is frustrating though because you want people to acknowledge what happened.

xx

claire16c

emsbet wrote: »

Oh no that's no good. I had a few people at work come and tell me how sorry they are (all women) etc but mostly people have just acted like nothing happened. I found it incredibly frustrating to start with but I guess people just don't know what to say and worry about saying the wrong thing do think it safer to not say anything.
With friends and family, people have asked me how I'm doing etc. I also talk about what happened quite a lot so people can't just not mention it. I think I found it easier to bring it up myself then people know its ok to talk about it. A few close friends who I've ended up telling a lot of the detail about what happened have said afterwards that they wanted to ask questions and understand what we went through but didn't know whether they should.
It hard for your OH at work. I bet a lot of people think that because he's a guy he won't want to talk about it. It is frustrating though because you want people to acknowledge what happened.

xx

I think you are right and some people are probably just scared of upsetting you. Even though when actually theyre making it worse by NOT saying anything.

Its different, but my old boss had a baby with Downs syndrome. When she went back to work after mat leave, instead of the usual thing of everyone coming up to her and asking how was she and the baby, when was she bringing it in, etc etc, apparently apart from one or two people, everyone else completely ignored the subject and acted like shed never even had a baby.

And she told me this about 5 years on and said she found it really hard to forgive the people who she had considered as friends, who never said anything to her. And acted as though her child who just because they had a disability, didnt exist. :cool:

emsbet

claire16c wrote: »

I think you are right and some people are probably just scared of upsetting you. Even though when actually theyre making it worse by NOT saying anything.

Its different, but my old boss had a baby with Downs syndrome. When she went back to work after mat leave, instead of the usual thing of everyone coming up to her and asking how was she and the baby, when was she bringing it in, etc etc, apparently apart from one or two people, everyone else completely ignored the subject and acted like shed never even had a baby.

And she told me this about 5 years on and said she found it really hard to forgive the people who she had considered as friends, who never said anything to her. And acted as though her child who just because they had a disability, didnt exist. :cool:

That's terrible, poor woman.

xx

Kitten_Pie

I understand where people are coming from, If we hadn't gone through this I wouldn't know what to do myself. we sent the link which I posted on here so people didn't have to ask questions as it explained it all and OH sent in the below poem (sorry if it upsets anyone) to explain things from our point of view. (we're not one for poems but this seemed to be the best way to get things across.

Please don't tell me you know how I feel,
Unless you have lost your child too,
Please don't tell me my broken heart will heal,
Because that is just not true,
Please don't tell me my son is in a better place,
Though it is true, I want him here with me,
Don't tell me someday I'll hear his voice, see his face,
Beyond today I cannot see,
Don't tell me it is time to move on,
Because I cannot,
Don't tell me to face the fact he is gone,
Because denial is something I can't stop,
Don't tell me to be thankful for the time I had,
Because I wanted more,
Don't tell me when I am my old self you will be glad,
I'll never be as I was before,
What you can tell me is you will be here for me,
That you will listen when I talk of my child,
You can share with me my precious memories,
You can even cry with me for a while,
And please don't hesitate to say his name,
Because it is something I long to hear everyday,
Friend please realize that I can never be the same,
But if you stand by me, you may like the new person I become someday

Kitten_Pie

claire16c wrote: »

I think you are right and some people are probably just scared of upsetting you. Even though when actually theyre making it worse by NOT saying anything.

Its different, but my old boss had a baby with Downs syndrome. When she went back to work after mat leave, instead of the usual thing of everyone coming up to her and asking how was she and the baby, when was she bringing it in, etc etc, apparently apart from one or two people, everyone else completely ignored the subject and acted like shed never even had a baby.

And she told me this about 5 years on and said she found it really hard to forgive the people who she had considered as friends, who never said anything to her. And acted as though her child who just because they had a disability, didnt exist. :cool:

That's aweful!

Secret debts you have been missed. If you need to get anything off your chest let us know.

Nicki

I found when I went back to work after DD2 that my boss insisted on telling all my clients that my child had a "minor" disability and kept saying to me that she was just "mildly autistic". Given that my boss had never seen my child, and that she had been diagnosed with severe learning difficulties and we'd been told when she was diagnosed that she would never be capable of any kind of independent life, and that I was running ragged arranging to meet her and my nanny for speech therapy and occupational therapy during my lunch hour two to three times a week and arranging my whole work diary round her this completely infuriated me, and I felt completely invalidated what we were dealing with. In fact it was one of the main reasons why I ended up giving up work completely because I felt quite undermined by the whole thing and like my boss thought there was some stigma on her or the firm that her assistant had given birth to a severely disabled child.

Secretdebts

Kitten_Pie wrote: »

Secret debts you have been missed. If you need to get anything off your chest let us know.

Xxx. I love this forum. That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me for .... erm probably since last time one of you said something nice to me in here (a few weeks I think). I wish I knew people like you lot in real life. Xxx

Hugs for everybody!!

Do I sound like a hippy or a stalker yet?