I asked him to leave, pregnant, now what?

VestanPance

I'll say this as a bloke. Maybe I'm in a minority as I was always willing to do my share of housework, but these blokes that sit back and say it's women work are just taking the !!!! out of you.

Any

FBaby wrote: »

I would think it is likely he is going through the same disillusion, in which case, it is not a case of putting/not putting up with, but seating down and discussing things.

I think what gets me with this thread is the fact that OP toook it upon herself to tell her partner to go back to his place with the potential devastating consequences when she is now unavoidably linked to him through a child all because he hasn't contributed as much as she wished for 3 months. Surely that deserved a good heartfelt serious discussion, not an argument resulting in him moving out?

I don't know, I wasn't there!!!
It might have been that he wasn't up for any discussions and that is why it turned into the argument??
Only guessing here - if you read my very first post in this thread, I have asked and pointed out that the OP needs to think about the tone used by her etc to properly assess the situation.

FBaby

And mostly of all - if you are in love and with rose glasses on, you don't walk around checking dust on shelves before you decide to move your love in!!

It would be great if one did, but I have never met one like that yet..

Ha ha, well I certainly did!! After living with a lazy slob unable to manage his finances, I made it a pact not to take on someone else like this again. I was 38, been on my own for 5 years and madly in love, but I knew there was no point in moving in with my partner and being a family if this was going to be a problem. I remember walking into his house and immediately checking how tidy it was, including behind the closets!! it became very clear that this wouldn't be a problem...ironically, my man is borderline OTC, so if anything, he is driving me mad with his tideness fuelled anxiety!!

Seriously, if at 37 you are prepared to move in with someone and have a baby with them without having a bit of an inklink of what they are like in terms of sharing households chores and finances, then you are setting yourself up for trouble.

FBaby

Any wrote: »

I don't know, I wasn't there!!!
It might have been that he wasn't up for any discussions and that is why it turned into the argument??
Only guessing here - if you read my very first post in this thread, I have asked and pointed out that the OP needs to think about the tone used by her etc to properly assess the situation.

Of course, we can only go by what we interpret and this is where I position myself. If OP comes back, says that her partner was a house goddess in his own home, that she suggested that they should buy a house together but he said he prefered not to, that he told her he was infertile and didn't need protection, told her that he would give her £300 a month and that he had already lined someone up to rent his place and this turned out to be a lie, I will have a quick change of heart

Make-it-3

Let me throw the question back at you OP, what do you want? You asked him to leave, he did. Why did you not ask us here first. Seems you made your mind up.

Now, do you want to have a relationship with him or not? If so, then you need to apologies for being rash and ask if you can sit down and have a proper conversation about how you move forward. You've been with him for a while is is stingy with you generally? Or is it just the situation he is in at the moment doesn't allow him to contribute to two households? If he can't do so financially can he contribute more by the way of help, housework, DIY etc.

The problem is there is a lot of that is his, this is mine. If he moves in properly there needs to be more give you need to see things as "joint" or he will feel like a lodger. You have a child, you should be thinking of life together as a "unit" if this relationship is going to work out long term.

DUTR

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

OP - DUTR is someone who has a child, pays CSA maintenance and refuses to see the child. I think he calls it 'pay and go'. They may not be the best person to give advice to you, and your situation at the moment.

As the OP may learn it is not law, and the 'method' is something to consider, keep wanting to call the shots (as some are suggesting to you) and your BF may become an ex BF with the only memory of a 15% net every month, not a great way to raise a child, at the end of the day NOBODY knows how your BF may react in the long run, so read what everybody writes and make your decision :j

VfM4meplse

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

OP - DUTR is someone who has a child, pays CSA maintenance and refuses to see the child. I think he calls it 'pay and go'. They may not be the best person to give advice to you, and your situation at the moment.

Where can I find a man like that then? Or more accurately, one that performs, goes away and stays away. Not interested in the finances.

moneyhoney1

He has gone.

I asked him to come over and talk but he refused saying 'you kicked me out, deal with it'
I then asked him to collect his belongings hoping he would come but his reply was 'bin them, not bothered'
My reply to his text was 'your passport is here don't you want it?'
His reply was 'You had better call the police. I'm coming over and you'd better get out of my F****** way'
He did come over and collected his unpacked boxes and bags and started shouting and swearing at me. I went into the bedroom out of his way and sat behind the door cowering. He said I was obsessed with money and I've sh*t in my own nest. I stayed as calm as I possibly could and didn't argue back, I just kept telling him to leave. He eventually left slamming the door behind him.
I sent him a text once I had calmed down asking for my keys but got no reply.
Reading some of your replies/opinions (albeit some of them I didn't want to hear) has made me think I've done the right thing. I don't want to live with someone abusive and I'm scared of and its not what I want the baby to live with either, we deserve better.

He left me earlier in the year when we were doing a lot of decorating, said it was too much to go to work then come home and do more work, although I coped okay with it and we'd have nights off and have a relaxing pint at the local. TBH I think he went because the TV aeriel didn't work!!

So now I have to think about mine and little bean's future. I don't know what to do with the house, sell it rent it what, I don't know. I'm a contract worker, have been since December. Its an ongoing contract which will hopefully last until this December. I enjoy my work but I worry about it ending sooner and no one will want to employ me with a bump. I have a lot to think about, I need to plod on and I've survived everything life has thrown at me so far. I feel vary low at the moment not knowing what to do next. But I do feel relieved and knew deep down what some of you were saying but I was in denial in the hope he'd come back and help me out a little bit more, its all I wanted.

Thank you everyone for all your comments, good and bad, I needed to hear them xx

make_me_wise

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

He has gone.

I asked him to come over and talk but he refused saying 'you kicked me out, deal with it'
I then asked him to collect his belongings hoping he would come but his reply was 'bin them, not bothered'
My reply to his text was 'your passport is here don't you want it?'
His reply was 'You had better call the police. I'm coming over and you'd better get out of my F****** way'
He did come over and collected his unpacked boxes and bags and started shouting and swearing at me. I went into the bedroom out of his way and sat behind the door cowering. He said I was obsessed with money and I've sh*t in my own nest. I stayed as calm as I possibly could and didn't argue back, I just kept telling him to leave. He eventually left slamming the door behind him.
I sent him a text once I had calmed down asking for my keys but got no reply.
Reading some of your replies/opinions (albeit some of them I didn't want to hear) has made me think I've done the right thing. I don't want to live with someone abusive and I'm scared of and its not what I want the baby to live with either, we deserve better.

Keep telling yourself bloody good riddance to such an a!sehole of a man. To threaten anyone by telling them to call the police and stay out of the f****** way is deplorable. To say it to your pregnant partner is completely inexcusable. If he had said that to me I wouldn't have let him in the house. He would have found all his possessions thrown out the window and on the front lawn wherever they fell.

Take away any fear and feeling of control over you. Call an emergency locksmith and change all your locks. Let him keep the keys, after tomorrow they needn't work. I wouldn't trust someone like him to hand them back without making copies. He sounds like a nutjob to react in such a way to you expressing how you feel about things.

rachel6188

i hope your ok. im sorry your in this situation but you and bean will be ok.
hugs rach xxx