I asked him to leave, pregnant, now what?

wannabe_sybil

OP - DUTR is someone who has a child, pays CSA maintenance and refuses to see the child. I think he calls it 'pay and go'. They may not be the best person to give advice to you, and your situation at the moment.

You obviously feel that your partner is not making an effort with the money. You are not in a good position to make a reasoned decision atm as the hormones will be all over the place. Does anyone else posting remember the nesting instinct when they were pregnant? You need to feel secure. Feeling that you are keeping two people on one wage when you are trying to sort out stuff for the little one and make sure you will have enough money for everything must be really scary.

Men do find pregnant women scary sometimes. Some leave, some panic, some have phantom pregnancies, and in the worst case that is when the majority of domestic violence starts. Your partner is not likely to be thinking straight either. And he may have reacted strongly because he feels that perhaps he has been taking advantage a little and the best form of defense is attack.

Normally I would say not to rush things. However you have a little one that is pushing for time. Would it be helpful for you to sit down and work out what conditions would be acceptable for him to stay with you permanently, what conditions are negotiable and what are set in stone. Then you could meet with your partner, perhaps in a neutral place to keep things calm, and see where he stands. Then make plans accordingly.

Look on the Debt Free Wannabe board to find lots of people who are there because they didn't work out money with their partners before they had children and lived together.

Also - congratulations on your little one. You sound capable (stressed, hormonal, feeling got at and upset, but very capable) and it is surprising how you can manage. You will be okay, I am sure, and little ones bring a lot of joy into your life.

Also, with little ones, ebay is your friend, I saved a fortune there.

the_cat

I really don't understand this my money-his money, my house-his house, my bills-his sponging stuff....

If you are committed enough to each other to bring a child into the world together, why are you not committed enough to SHARE bills/money/responsibilities?

January20

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I can't believe what I am hearing. This has upset me.
I don't want him to pay my mortgage or anything else. I just wanted a contribution and to be treated fairly. I'm paying for everything myself house, improvements and saving for baby, he pays nothing and expects to live like a king in a nice home without lifting a finger. I asked him to leave until he finds a lodger, now it seems like you're all saying he is well rid of me. Well you're all probably right, lets just leave it there, I've had enough.

I don't think you should let some of the posts upset you. People often only see one side of a situation are posts usually give limited information about one's life. Some posters often become blinkered and refuse to see another's point of view. In the end, they are just lines of writing on a screen so you can ignore them.

Those who think it is weird that the Op and her partner have not discussed his financial situation should go and have a read of some of the posts on the Wannabee debt free board and have their eyes open to what happen in relationships regarding finances.

OP, at this point in time, it is a good thing that your partner is not paying towards your mortgage or your bills as then he has no claim on your home, should the relationship go pear shaped.

I think you need to not allow him to live with you until he can contribute towards the living expenses, so don't let him eat at yours all the time, don't let him sleep there all the time, don't let him have a key. (you know the saying don't you? "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?"). It is not his home. It's is yours. And it will remain solely yours until he moves in properly and pays his fair share.

Then when October comes round, you need to sit down with him and discuss your finances. If you are going to live together, you have a right to know, for the simple reason that if you take any financial products together, you will be financially linked and that could affect your credit rating. I also think you should probe into his financial past and find out why he has no sayings and has a debt. Again, you need to protect you and your child financially.

As for being a single mother, and being judged (!!!!) better that than being in a relationship with a person who makes you unhappy.

ALI1973

wannabe_sybil wrote: »

. Does anyone else posting remember the nesting instinct when they were pregnant? You need to feel secure.

I certainly do you remember feeling this way, it is a very unsettling time for most women I think.

OP. I really do empathise with how you feel. However, I think right now you need to be looking further into the future with regards to what you do. You have said that your partner will be renting his whole house out when his SBrother moves out in October, if your partner is like my DH, his thinking would be "It's pointless looking for a lodger now, when in 5 months (pre moving in with you) I will be looking to rent all the house out, I won't waste my time" - so he probably thinks that all will come good in October so whats problem?. I know we have had many a "discussion" regarding his postponing of dealing with things, sometimes he backs down, sometimes I do, thats how relationships work.

So perhaps for now it would be better to discuss with him what happens in October? how does he want to work things when he is able to contribute fully?. I think although it would not solve your financial situation immediately, you would get (hopefully) some peace of mind for the future. Then maybe you would want him to be back living with you and working on your "family" even if you are the one solely funding this?

I truly, hope you will get this resolved and you are able to come together as a family and that you have many many years together. Best wishes, Ali

VfM4meplse

DUTR wrote: »

I detect a bossy person and in the long run

Really? I detect a man with no balls.

Mupette wrote: »

men like to feel they have control and find it hard to live with bossy women, they really do

I would find it impossible to live with a pathetic excuse for a man, OP is better off w/o him IMO.

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I just have to look out for myself thats all. I have no family to fall back on and feel quite alone. I think this has made me a little over-zealous when it comes to money and I have a hard time trusting people when it comes to finance. I've always kept my head above water and owned property and luckily I have stayed debt free. I'm just scared of it all falling down around me because there is no one to help me pick up the pieces. I've never wanted to be a single mum, kids should have 2 parents I've always believed. I'm 37 and this is my first baby, I'm really worried about the future.

Life isn't always ideal, but I agree you're in a good position and there is a new life to celebrate :T.

What matters now is you and your baby, it sounds to me like your OH likes being molllycoddled himself. If he can't grow up and face his responsibilities, let him go.

NickyBat

DUTR wrote: »

You missed the bit about board and lodgings
Why would the OP expect the BF to pay towards HER house?

Because he has been living with her !!!!!!!!!!!!!

he may not be able to pay half of everything, but he should make some sort of regular contribution.

NickyBat

DUTR wrote: »

he is a guest there though!
Op is quick to say mine this n that, would you want a contribution from every passenger that enters your car? perhaps a tariff of the cost per cup of tea, per hour rate on the internet or to watch tv etc should be up on display.

How is he a guest?

NickyBat

OP, i think you need to sit down and have a chat with your OH, i can see where you are coming from and i do feel he should make some sort of contribution, but maybe if you had a chat about finance you may find he is paying as much as he can afford at the moment.

Also maybe offer to help him find a lodger for his house, sometimes our boys need a helping hand.

VestanPance

I must admit to finding the situation your in frightening and confusing.

Was the child planned? I find it amazing anyone would decide to have a kid when you're at odds over finances, not secure in the relationship and seem to have a very big mine/theirs attitude over things.

If you planned in moving together it would have made more sense for the two of you to pool resources in buying one property, and not have him contributing to one (yours) and trying to keep the other afloat. The current plan sounded like a problem waiting to happen. That way you cut costs for both of you and would have more money to plan for the baby.

tasha-debt

I think the thing that would anoy me is that he has not found a lodger in three months, you trust him to do the things he says he would so the fact he has not breaks your trust. If the ageement was that once he found a lodger to pay his bills then you would become a family and share the bills in your home together he should stick to that, especially since you have a baby on the way.

I think you need a sit down frank chat about things, offer to help him place an advert for a logder, then once you live together draw up a fianance plan so you know who pays what etc.

Good luck and crongrats on your pregnancy.