I asked him to leave, pregnant, now what?

moneyhoney1

I can't believe what I am hearing. This has upset me.
I don't want him to pay my mortgage or anything else. I just wanted a contribution and to be treated fairly. I'm paying for everything myself house, improvements and saving for baby, he pays nothing and expects to live like a king in a nice home without lifting a finger. I asked him to leave until he finds a lodger, now it seems like you're all saying he is well rid of me. Well you're all probably right, lets just leave it there, I've had enough.

KiKi

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I can't believe what I am hearing. This has upset me.
I don't want him to pay my mortgage or anything else. I just wanted a contribution and to be treated fairly. I'm paying for everything myself house, improvements and saving for baby, he pays nothing and expects to live like a king in a nice home without lifting a finger. I asked him to leave until he finds a lodger, now it seems like you're all saying he is well rid of me. Well you're all probably right, lets just leave it there, I've had enough.

No-one has said anything of the sort.

You asked him to leave, he has. I agree that if you're not happy with him being there then he should move out. But I also agree that you probably didn't talk with him about it before he moved in, and you both had expectations which aren't being met.

I'm not sure which bit you can't believe, but other people will have different opinions on a forum, that's the nature of them. If you choose not to come back, that's up to you, and I wish you all the best with your new baby.

KiKi

DUTR

MrsE wrote: »

He's not a guest - he lives there.
The OP is entitled to say my this that & the other - she's paying for it all.
OP warning bells would be ringing loud & clear, he should want to support you not sponge off you.

He maybe there often, but if he is living there then council tax should be paid at the full rate, but words of mine instead of ours should be used, so one could be forgiven for misinterpreting what the OP had posted, just like when the child comes along, will it be their child or just the Mother's until the child needs something, alarm bells hsould be ringing as in be careful how you treat people, don't ask them to leave if it is not really what they want. They may never come back :eek:

DUTR

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I can't believe what I am hearing. This has upset me.
I don't want him to pay my mortgage or anything else. I just wanted a contribution and to be treated fairly. I'm paying for everything myself house, improvements and saving for baby, he pays nothing and expects to live like a king in a nice home without lifting a finger. I asked him to leave until he finds a lodger, now it seems like you're all saying he is well rid of me. Well you're all probably right, lets just leave it there, I've had enough.

As per post #33, but should add, you should be wanting him to join onto the mortgage (legally) and flourish in all the benefits a relationship has to offer especially when a child arrives.

moneyhoney1

I just have to look out for myself thats all. I have no family to fall back on and feel quite alone. I think this has made me a little over-zealous when it comes to money and I have a hard time trusting people when it comes to finance. I've always kept my head above water and owned property and luckily I have stayed debt free. I'm just scared of it all falling down around me because there is no one to help me pick up the pieces. I've never wanted to be a single mum, kids should have 2 parents I've always believed. I'm 37 and this is my first baby, I'm really worried about the future.

DUTR

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I just have to look out for myself thats all. I have no family to fall back on and feel quite alone. I think this has made me a little over-zealous when it comes to money and I have a hard time trusting people when it comes to finance. I've always kept my head above water and owned property and luckily I have stayed debt free. I'm just scared of it all falling down around me because there is no one to help me pick up the pieces. I've never wanted to be a single mum, kids should have 2 parents I've always believed. I'm 37 and this is my first baby, I'm really worried about the future.

I'm sure it will all work out well in the long run, you have had some good words of advice looking at some of the responses (I certainley wish I had discovered this forum many years ago) , I don't think many set out to be a single Mum and in fairness they do get bad press due to the action of some, remember though life is not all about one thing, and you had a relationship before you were expecting and it need not stop just because you have a new arrival, things may change but save some time and energy to retain the same person your partner fell in love with.

Giddytimes

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I just have to look out for myself thats all. I have no family to fall back on and feel quite alone. I think this has made me a little over-zealous when it comes to money and I have a hard time trusting people when it comes to finance. I've always kept my head above water and owned property and luckily I have stayed debt free. I'm just scared of it all falling down around me because there is no one to help me pick up the pieces. I've never wanted to be a single mum, kids should have 2 parents I've always believed. I'm 37 and this is my first baby, I'm really worried about the future.

No need to worry, you're in a good position. You just need to sit down and have a rational chat with your OH about how you both expect finances to be split once his house is rented out.

In the mean time, if you'd rather he was living with you for the next couple of months, then you may need to accept that he doesn't have any money to give you-he's spending it all on his other house. You're not wrong to want him to be making a contribution/saving for the baby, perhaps he wants to but physically can't afford to.

I also think you should ask him to fill out an SOA (this might be better presented as something you can both do-together, rather than something only he needs to do), you need to be aware of exactly where his money is going and what debt he has before he moves in with you fully. For example will the rent cover the mortgage on his other house or will he still need to be making a contribution? This will effect how much he can pay towards your current household.

Congratulations on the baby, things will work out for the best. :j

[Deleted User]

I have been in a similiar situation and can see both sides. I am just going to say something that might make you think. If you were your partner.., and felt that there were things that were shaky about your relationship.., would u be rushing out to find a lodger so you'd have no where to live if the relationship broke up? He must have been aware you weren't happy with the arrangement as it was.

I know this is a very stressful time for you. It may be true that you had a partner that wasn't contributing much to your household in terms of work (decorating) and finances but is there a possibility that you were so capable, and the house is so much 'yours' that he might have felt he didn't have a role to play? Unfortunately once this kind of scenario develops, it tends to get worse. I suspect that I did this myself to my ex to some degree but it is very difficult to know how to handle this differently and still get whats needing doing done lol!

JoJoB

I think you're right to insist on transparent finances and also a talk on how finances will be split after the baby etc. You need to know where you stand. If you are going to be moving in together and have a family together you need to know what you are linking yourself with financially (ie his debt). He needs to show you his recent statements of exactly what he owes and how much is going out on debt payments each month as this may well affect your credit rating in the future. It is reasonable to ask this, though maybe couch it in terms of you BOTH getting all your paperwork together and constructing a financial plan for the future.

Just be wary about extrapolating the current situation into "this is how it's going to be forever". There has to be some leeway with finances in relationships. It sounds like a short-term problem which should be resolved soon when the house is let out - and in a partnership you help each other through these financial difficulties. You may well need financial support after the baby is born, or you may in the future experience redundancy or illness and your partner may pick up the slack. It is a big step to go from "my" money to "our" money and you're right to be cautious, but just be careful that your fears aren't going to colour your judgement too much.

Only you know his character and whether his recent behaviour is at odds with that or not. Has he been displaying selfish tendencies anyway? Are you feeling emotionally supported by him? If your relationship is generally good then it may be time to accept how things are for the meantime even though there is an element of unfairness. Because this should be a really nice nesting time for you and your partner and it would be such a shame for this conflict to spoil it. You do have a genuine grievance but it may only be short-lived so why not reserve judgement just for a little while and throw yourself into enjoying the preparations for baby and family life?

FBaby

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I just have to look out for myself thats all. I have no family to fall back on and feel quite alone. I think this has made me a little over-zealous when it comes to money and I have a hard time trusting people when it comes to finance. I've always kept my head above water and owned property and luckily I have stayed debt free. I'm just scared of it all falling down around me because there is no one to help me pick up the pieces. I've never wanted to be a single mum, kids should have 2 parents I've always believed. I'm 37 and this is my first baby, I'm really worried about the future.

I can sympathise with this very much and it is great that you are learnt to be self reliant and independent, but once you decide to move in with someone and even more have a baby with that person, you have to accept that some of the control you have over what you own goes a bit. Your partner is that, your partner, not a commodity that give you a child and help with your finances. I know it sounds harsh, but do think about it, isn't it how you treat him?

Your partner isn't irresponsible and sponger of you. He has his own finances that he needs to take care of. One day, you could marry and that share will be yours to, so is it that bad that he insure the mortgage is paid there? If the house is going to be rented in a few months, is it really fair on a lodger to be offered a room to then be quicked out in a couple of months? More importantly, is it really SOOOOO bad that you might have to wait a bit longer for your partner to start contributing towards the bills?

What happens if say two years time, you are out of work and can't pay your bills? How would you feel if your partner, father of your child then told you to get out because you were not contributing towards the bills any longer? Wouldn't you question your partner's love and commitment to you?

I can understand feeling used if this was going on for many months, but it's the not the case and I think your partner has a good reason not to be able to contribute much until the house is rented.