I asked him to leave, pregnant, now what?

DUTR

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I know he is responsible for paying his half of the mortgage and insurance on his co-owned house, this is understood. What I don't understand is why he should be a kept man at my house when he has made very little effort to find a lodger for his old bedroom. We don't live in the Outer Hebrides but in a vibrant city with industry, hospitals and uni nearby, finding a lodger shouldn't be a problem, I've had no problems in the past finding someone. If he had a lodger everything would be okay with his house and mortgage/bills ect and we could get on with life the way we were planning.

See post #18 and #19 , perhaps there is more to the story than posted, especially as you both do not seem to be talking/discussing things, the thread was titled I asked him to leave, so why ask him to leave and then complain about it, just be careful about ending up a single Mum, as society will always be judging you :eek:

moneyhoney1

I've found some of these posts extremely judgmental. Wish I hadn't bothered asking for help.

*max*

Maybe he has been reluctant to let his house go in case things between you don't work out? Maybe it was a kind of buffer, for exactly the kind of situation you now find youselves in: argument = you ask him to leave. Maybe he doesn't think that your place can ever feel like a home to him (understandable, seeing the terms you have been using in this thread)? I don't know. Why don't you ask him...

mountainofdebt

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I know he is responsible for paying his half of the mortgage and insurance on his co-owned house, this is understood. What I don't understand is why he should be a kept man at my house when he has made very little effort to find a lodger for his old bedroom. We don't live in the Outer Hebrides but in a vibrant city with industry, hospitals and uni nearby, finding a lodger shouldn't be a problem, I've had no problems in the past finding someone. If he had a lodger everything would be okay with his house and mortgage/bills ect and we could get on with life the way we were planning.

Have you ever stopped to think that the best way of getting a man to do something is NOT to nag him to death but to make finding a solution attractive to him - and yes I know this smacks of treating him like a child but sometimes its more attractive than having an arguement with him.

Personally what I would have done is to say that YOU were going to arrange a lodger for a room and then explain to him - if necessary in childlike language - what benefits the extra income would bring - even it meant he could have a extra night out with the boys.

Also, if the plan was to rent out the house in September/October then it would be far easier to rent out a completely empty house to say students than have one room occupied by a stranger.

Giddytimes

I suspect the contribution he's made probably covers the increase in your bills as a result of him living with you. Except maybe the council tax, presumably you aren't claiming the single person allowance anymore.
My first thought was that in your situation I wouldn't be happy either as I'd be expecting a monthly contribution, but then I took a step back and thought-why should he be paying towards your mortgage? Maybe it is fair that he is just covering any increase in utilities resulting from him being there.

When they rent their house out and he moves in with you is there any intention that any of the house will become his? If not then maybe it's only fair that he pays half the utilities/food and you pay the whole mortgage. That way he can concentrate on paying his own mortgage down- so he's no longer in negative equity.

Mupette

I'm wondering if OP is hormonal too, everything seems twice as bad as they really are.

OP your fella has no more to give he's paying his half on his own property.

Perhaps he doesn't have time to arrange a lodger, perhaps you can talk WITH him about that and maybe make suggestions on ways to get lodgers in, you said you never had a problem, so perhaps some positive advice would help him.

And seeing as your new to the living with a bloke thing, i am sure a few pointers from us may help.


Men don't take hints, they are not telepathic.. The need to be told (in a nice way ofc)

Men like to feel that they have thought of an idea, i've learnt along time ago is to plant the thought seed and let OH think he came up with it...

Men, still even in relationships like to think they are life long batchelors, my OH is slowly coming to terms with the loss of his..

He has kingsize bed, complains my double is too small with me him and the dog, cat and kitten, so suggested bed swap... it happend 2 weeks ago

I said that i would review my finances to make sure i was ok before we marry, said that he had a new washing machine, whereas i had a rented one, suggested he brings his to mine and i return the rental machine (12 month contract just up) he thinks i am saving £14 pm. This is actually going towards other bills here.

its a 2 way thing... but men like to feel they have control and find it hard to live with bossy women, they really do

mountainofdebt

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I've found some of these posts extremely judgmental. Wish I hadn't bothered asking for help.

well what do want us to say? There there the nasty man was using you and you're well rid?

We're only saying that a different approach may have achieved the desired results but without the arguement.

Sometimes the best advice is the advice you don't want to hear but need to hear.

DUTR

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I've found some of these posts extremely judgmental. Wish I hadn't bothered asking for help.

That's the internet for you honey, read and digest what you wish to, only time will tell which bits are true and which bits are not.
not every answer will be wrapped in cotton wool, but those are more than likely to be the ones to take note of.

MrsE_2

DUTR wrote: »

he is a guest there though!
Op is quick to say mine this n that, would you want a contribution from every passenger that enters your car? perhaps a tariff of the cost per cup of tea, per hour rate on the internet or to watch tv etc should be up on display.

He's not a guest - he lives there.
The OP is entitled to say my this that & the other - she's paying for it all.
OP warning bells would be ringing loud & clear, he should want to support you not sponge off you.

KiKi

moneyhoney1 wrote: »

I know he is responsible for paying his half of the mortgage and insurance on his co-owned house, this is understood. What I don't understand is why he should be a kept man at my house when he has made very little effort to find a lodger for his old bedroom. We don't live in the Outer Hebrides but in a vibrant city with industry, hospitals and uni nearby, finding a lodger shouldn't be a problem, I've had no problems in the past finding someone. If he had a lodger everything would be okay with his house and mortgage/bills ect and we could get on with life the way we were planning.

It's not really reasonable to try and find a lodger, though, knowing full well the house will be rented out from October. Who's going to want to move in for only, what, 6 weeks? Maybe a couple more?

I understand you're frustrated, but it sounds like you had a set of expectations that you didn't communicate to him ("I've invited you to move in and you need to pay board and lodgings even whilst you're paying your other bills and mortgage.") And he had a set of expectations that he didn't talk about with you ("you've invited me to move in, but you know I'm paying bills and a mortgage elsewhere, and you know I can't pay you until October when I've already said I will."). And on the basis of your expectations not being met, you told him to leave.

If you don't like him using your stuff and not paying, then it's right that he's back at his own house - where he IS paying.

But if you are a couple, and you are bringing a child into this world together, then you need to talk about it, you really do. I know you know that. But don't get cross because people are giving you a different perspective than the one you wanted.

KiKi