Different Perspective on Family Situation Please

mountainofdebt

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Possibly because the women often have children in tow, so it's more difficult for them.

I know I've seen two members of my family just sink into death after their wife died, they had no reason to go on, no reason to find someone else.
Don't forget men typically die earlier than women, so the pool of men available to a typical widow is smaller than the amount of women searching. Therefore we could assume that it is the women who initiate the relationships with the men. Quite an assumption I agree, but maybe no more than yours.

I can only talk about the situations I've seen - both men were in their 50's when their wives died so in the case of the OP, this would probably be around the age that her dad was when her mum died

shouldishouldnti

In answer to some of your posts, I was introduced to his now wife 4 months after my mother died, so the relationship must have been going before then as I wouldnt have been introduced to her on a first date.

At the time I was pleased he was getting on with his life, and although I will admit it did hurt (as I am not sure I could have been thinking about being with someone else so soon after losing a partner I had been with for over 30 years) but it made him happy and I was willing to accept that. I even defended him to other family members saying it is his life (so I do believe back then I was loyal to him and tried to accept the situation). When people commented on them getting together so soon after my mums death I said it was better than him sitting in drinking, drowing his sorrows and that he still had a life and if lived another 20 years it was a long time to be lonely. So I do feel I tried.

Paddysmum - I think you are trying to look at my situation basing it on yours. Maybe your husbands son was trying to cause problems, but I dont believe this is the case for me and it is more a retaliation of the way I was spoken to/treated that slowly turned me against this woman.

Bitter? Very possibly. But now because I want to be 'daddys little girl' but because I thought it would be nice to still have a family. However, my brother and her son got invited to events and I didnt because they 'assumed' child care would be an issue. Perhaps if I wasnt excluded I wouldnt be so hostile but treat people badly for long enough and they do turn.

bennifred - the point I was making is that I tried to come up with a solution and just see him but his answer was they were a package and I either saw both or neither (this was a few years ago). But this is acceptable when suggested by someone else.

With regards to the funeral, I was quite happy to go and sit with other relatives but my dad said I needed to sit where it was agreed by all the others. Despite what you may think Paddysmum, I did not stand there stamping my feet demaning to have prime position at the funeral next to my dad. I was more than happy and even suggested this that I go and sit with my aunt.

Am I a big part of the hostility? If you call 50% a big part then yes. But I believe we should take equal share of the problems. Fact is we just dont get on. Had she not been married to my dad then we would have no contact as I wouldnt see her as someone I chose to have in my life. But she is so I did try to get on with her. But if you can take lots of put downs and being spoken to like sh*t, then you are a better person than I am and I applaud you.

In response I would say you are way off the mark with the situation. As other posters have said sometimes only they see that side of a person for some years and people think they are overreacting to a situation.

I do not and have not expected my dad to be on his own. I accept she makes him happy but do not see why she has to make me unhappy to boot with the comments. I have never said to him it is me or her, firstly because I wouldnt respond well to that, and secondly, out of principle and choice I know that he would chose her.

However paddymums, thank you for letting me see it from the other side (even if I dont agree) as you say, this is probably how his wife is feeling.

paddy's_mum

Shouldishouldnti - thank you for responding. I appreciate that you don't agree with my view but if I have given you other aspects to consider, then my time and your own wasn't wasted.

Good luck and I'll keep my fingers crossed for you all that this sad situation can be repaired and healed.

shouldishouldnti

Well, I have had a response to my email.

One of their responses is that I didnt involved them in my family life and when I left my husband, I told them about it, rather than discussed (rather like when he had a new relationship and was getting married. Was this wrong of me to tell them or should I have discussed it with them? I felt as this was a personal decision then I didnt do anything so bad. How wrong I was.

Their reason for not having much to do with my youngest - because firstly they are older now and secondly because they dont know her dad so well. Great reason!

I should have gone to my maternal grandmothers funeral earlier this year. THis is a woman I have had no contact with for about 30 years, and the last time I saw her 14 years ago at my mums funeral she didnt even know who I was (thought I was my mums half sister). I did not think much of her after her leaving her kids with relatives whislt she took up with a new man, having other kids with him whilst her own were being physically and sexually abused. I felt it would have been hypocritical. I keep in regular contact with my aunt, and see her with the children, but again I was wrong not to go.

Apparently as I am a grown woman and as my life at this stage is my own choice (splitting with ex and having another child) so whilst they understand it is difficult, by the wording of the email because it was my choice - I made my bed so lie in it.

I have also missed a 'great opportunity' to have his wife as a stepmother or a friend. Obviously they have not missed any opportunity by not having me or my youngest in their life.

THe end of the email was maybe we should speak after their holiday in October. But that they believed they were good grandparents to my eldest and still wanted to see her (not happening by the way).

So think I have my answer and it is now just time to cut my losses and walk away. Afterall, wouldnt want to cause them anymore stress and upset by being in their life.

Thanks for all your comments.

whitewing

Why don't you suggest that your dad has both of your children while you and stepmum go to the cinema once a month for six months? That way your dad is getting the opportunity to know both gc and you and your stepmum can learn how to rub along with each other. I think you could get along better with your dad if you got along better with stepmum.

At the moment everything you each say and do becomes such a massive deal. Why not spend some time just living in the moment with each other?

I do agree that their behaviour is hurtful, and I partly agree that your dad should stand up to his wife, but I also acknowledge his profound grief so I wouldn't agree with cutting them out completely.

Maybe you could speak to Cruse, and get external support in dealing with your losses and disappointments. You've had a tough time. That may help you keep things light with your dad and stepmum and perhaps it will come good in the end.

January20

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

Well, I have had a response to my email.

One of their responses is that I didnt involved them in my family life and when I left my husband, I told them about it, rather than discussed (rather like when he had a new relationship and was getting married. Was this wrong of me to tell them or should I have discussed it with them? I felt as this was a personal decision then I didnt do anything so bad. How wrong I was.

Their reason for not having much to do with my youngest - because firstly they are older now and secondly because they dont know her dad so well. Great reason!

I should have gone to my maternal grandmothers funeral earlier this year. THis is a woman I have had no contact with for about 30 years, and the last time I saw her 14 years ago at my mums funeral she didnt even know who I was (thought I was my mums half sister). I did not think much of her after her leaving her kids with relatives whislt she took up with a new man, having other kids with him whilst her own were being physically and sexually abused. I felt it would have been hypocritical. I keep in regular contact with my aunt, and see her with the children, but again I was wrong not to go.

Apparently as I am a grown woman and as my life at this stage is my own choice (splitting with ex and having another child) so whilst they understand it is difficult, by the wording of the email because it was my choice - I made my bed so lie in it.

I have also missed a 'great opportunity' to have his wife as a stepmother or a friend. Obviously they have not missed any opportunity by not having me or my youngest in their life.

THe end of the email was maybe we should speak after their holiday in October. But that they believed they were good grandparents to my eldest and still wanted to see her (not happening by the way).

So think I have my answer and it is now just time to cut my losses and walk away. Afterall, wouldnt want to cause them anymore stress and upset by being in their life.

Thanks for all your comments.

No you shouldn't have discussed your relationship with them - not if you didn't want to - not if you weren't very close to them (and you are not very close to your step mother are you?) You are not a little girl anymore. You do not have gain approval from them on big decisions in your life. If you let them do it once, you will not be able to do anything without them wanting to butt in.

Equally if you do not want to go to the funeral of a stranger, you don't have too. Your grandmother was but a stranger to you and by the sound of it not a very nice woman. Again, you are not a little girl anymore. Who do they think they are to try and force you to live your life according to their wishes?

Their reasons for not wanting to have contact with your youngest dd are rubbish. Yes, they are older but they could just see her for a little while. And not knowing her Dad well enough is just an excuse, a very very poor excuse!

You might find you are happier when you have cut your loses and you don't keep dwelling on it.

The_Rizler

Hi shouldishouldnti.
I've read the whole thread with great interest and just want to add, your dad is 70(ish), I don't believe you don't want to be in the situation where you say "I wish it could have been...." if he were to pass away.
Accept that the relationship isn't what you want (or need) it to be, but do one thing each month send a letter on how you're doing and how your kids are doing and send photos of you and both your kids, don't make any comment about the wife etc, but leave this line of communication open.
It's hard, you have your hurt feelings, the new wife expresses her opinion, your dad is in a situation he isn't in control over, your kids get hurt, all of it is a melting pot of complete doom, but you can take the heat out of it. The letter is an open line and there's none of the animosity with it, it's just a letter.
The wife may take exception but your not expressing anything to her or against her or recieving her critisism
Your children can be part of the the writing process drawing things for granddad (both of them) that granddad is still part of both older and younger ones life
You've taken the higher ground and not let the relationship die or diminish by cutting ties - but this is the safest form or contact and there's no critisism.

What I say can be taken with a huge pinch of salt but I wouldn't want in a few years time to know that I hadn't tried to keep in contact with my dad as I think you love him and do want the very best for him. It's just a suggestion OP, whatever happens you have my best wishes for you.

Take care and be strong.

Riz

shouldishouldnti

Hi Riz

Thanks for your suggestion. For all their faults I know they do think the world of my eldest so am thinking I will probaly send them a quick email and a photo of her in her new school uniform when she starts in year 6 next month, together with a brief update. If my dad is planning on contacting me at least these brief messages will make things less awkward. Will also show that I am a bigger person then either of them and not this awful person they seem to think I am!

booma_mitch

Hi shouldishouldn'ti

I felt I had to post as your situation sounds very similar to mine.

I won't bore you with the details, save to say that it reached the point where my relationship with my step mother was making me ill. There was a final straw when I decided I could take no more and refused to let her affect the rest of my life. I had put up with 17 years and enough was enough.

After a really rocky period with my dad, where he said that he wouldn't see me if I refused to see his wife, things have settled down. He finally accepted that I am an adult and I think he knows in his heart that, whilst of course she is not solely to blame, it is her who has acted more unreasonably than me, and that, by not dealing with issues as they have cropped up, he has allowed things to get to this stage.

Having said that, I am actutely aware that I do not have a natural relationship with him. I don't feel that I can telephone his house as if she answers her whole attitude infuriates me and I refuse to let her have an effect on my life any more. They both still see my children when they want to and my children do not seem to have noticed (2 and 7) that myself and Nanna do not speak as it is my dad that does the collecting and dropping off on his own. There was one incident at the start where she spoke inappropriately about me in front of my children, but I can assure you that they now know that they risk their relationship with their grandchildren should that happen again! I am aways enthusiastic about their time with Nanna and Grandad and they have a reasonably good relationship, although will always play second fiddle to her grandchildren.

I think in your circumstances I would give it a bit of time, emotions are raw. I think the idea of sending updates is a lovely one and shows that you are trying to be the grown up! Your dad may come round like mine did, but if my dad hadn't changed his mind then I had made my decision that I was willing to forego my relationship with him, as my family deserve better than me being ill because of her.

For the future, who knows? The difference between mine and your story is that my dad is only in his early 50s. Can I see a future where I have no contact whatsoever with step mum?? I don't know. I am thinking that before I initiate any contact with her I need some form of counselling, as I have decided that whatever comes of this, she will not change, so maybe the onus is upon me to try to learn to deal with her. I don't know. Is that something that may help you do you think? Sometimes it is good to talk and get it off your chest to someone impartial. It is a shame to lose your relationship with your dad, it upset me more than anything to think that that may have happened with mine, but sometimes you have to put your own needs first. But maybe counselling may help you find mechanisms for dealing with her negativity towards you? When I get round to arranging some for myself I would like to think it will help.

Good luck and sorry that turned into a bit of an essay! Trust yourself to do what is right for YOU and your children. Chin up x