Different Perspective on Family Situation Please

misgrace

Oh Dear OP how hurt you must be, and to add insult to injury that he wants nothing to do with your youngest, what has she done in her short life to make your father like this towards her!!!

TBH if he can turn against a defencelss 2 year old, then what chance have you got?? the wife has to take some of the blame admittidly, but what sort of man/grandfather can favour one granchild blatently over another.

Walk away OP, me personally wouldnt even give them the time of day after saying and behaving like he did about your youngest.:mad:

shouldishouldnti

Trebor - we were all due to have dinner at mine a few weeks after the funeral. However my dad turned up on his own. I asked why and he told me that his wife 'had given up'. Which was fine with him. Yet some years ago I suggested that it was just me and him that met, this wasnt acceptable, yet when it is her suggestion this is fine.

I do feel that she has somehow pressurised him into doing this, but he should still be able to make a stand and say he wanted to continue to have a relationship with his daughter. She is (in my eyes) very controlling and it doesnt help that it woudl appear he is spineless

whitewing

I think maybe if he wasn't surrounded by so much death recently then he would be handling the situation differently.

I knew a daughter whose father bought a house (that her stepmum knew nothing about). Daughter and grandchildren saw him at the house, phonecalls were made from/to the house, letters sent to the house etc. She may not have even known his actual address. Not a happy situation.

I do agree with your daughters being treated equally, and I am sorry that you are having to go through this, as I know what it is like to not have your father's support. Even as an adult it would make such a day to day difference to have someone rooting for you.

neverdespairgirl

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

Yet on the other hand he is quite willing to just see my daughter but not me (he doesnt want any contact with my youngest daughter who is 2, only my eldest).

that seems wrong, to me. Why would he only want contact with one of his grand-daughters?

[Deleted User]

I am another one who has had a similiar situation., but with my mother. My mother divorced my dad and remarried (no argument with that at the time). But my stepfather had issues and well, would get overly violent with us once a week. There were lots of things going on, and sadly, my mother didn't just not defend me, she condoned and supported it.

I went thru years of hell because basically, I wanted my mother's love. It was only when I gave up on this idea., that I managed to get some peace. Its psychobabble.., but i had to learn that it was enough to love myself.., I didn't need to be loved by my parents to be a worthwhile person, worth loving. I was that whether my parents were able to care or not. I just had to accept that I was never going to get what i wanted from my mum, that she couldn't do it (i.e. it wasn't my fault, it was down to issues she had) and I stopped torturing myself over it.

My mother also would only see my older son, never my younger son. She used to come along, take my older son out, leaving my younger son looking after them with a bewildered look on his face. I let this happen a few times hoping she'd take my younger son along once he got older but it never happened (I did talk to her about it but she'd never really listen). When I saw that look on my younger son's face, I decided it wasn't going to happen again, even though my older son would lose out and started making excuses to avoid my mother taking my older son out. Its not a good way to sort it but now we've moved 150 miles away.., I have little contact with my mother at all.., and things are ok.

A lot of people say blood is thicker than water, you only have one mum etc.., but my point of view is that mother has to be a mother with mostly positive input for that view to be valid. Just because there is a blood link, you don't have to walk deliberately into more hurt. We aren't talking about slightly imperfect relationships or hurts., we are talking about things that affect us in major ways. Some parents unfortunately.., just aren't able to be parents because of issues that are nothing to do with their children.

It seems to me, you are cogitating over and over on what your father has and hasn't done for you. These are very valid hurts.., but it doesn't benefit you to keep going over them. Draw a line under it and walk away, just accepting that your father and his wife aren't able to meet your needs. Give the responsibility for that back to them., its where it belongs and carry on with your life. Its nothing to do with you. Its not your fault, it just is.

ooobedoo

Blimey! I could of written this.

My parents got divorced and my Dad met this woman, and she from the start was horrible to my Brother and I, mostly me. My Dad allowed this to happen, by not preventing her, he condoned it. It's as simple as that.

Fast forward many tears and years, My Dad and this woman move to France. he became very ill, he died. This woman is now in the middle of France, it turns out that the only reason they had any friends was my Dad, nobody bothers with her because they see her for the nasty piece of work she is.

My Uncle rang me after a holiday he had had over there with his family, he had seen the side that my Brother and I had experienced all those years before, the general thought in the my family was that I had been over reacting about the way she was, her behaviour and her. But they realised that I had been right all along. Don't do what I did, I should of just estranged myself years earlier,she made me the most nervous in some circumstances. if anybody ever says to me "Can I have a word" it makes me really scared.

She tore My Dad away from his parents, his brothers and his children but Karma is a ***** and she now has lots of time to reflect on how evil she has been. She is in the middle of France, she can't drive and I am sure has a very lonely existance as people don't want to bother with her. When I was there when he was ill, people told me how much they loved my Dad but wouldn't be interested in seeing her again.

Sometimes men are easily led, and will do anything for a quiet and easy life.

January20

ooobedoo wrote: »

Blimey! I could of written this.

My parents got divorced and my Dad met this woman, and she from the start was horrible to my Brother and I, mostly me. My Dad allowed this to happen, by not preventing her, he condoned it. It's as simple as that.

Fast forward many tears and years, My Dad and this woman move to France. he became very ill, he died. This woman is now in the middle of France, it turns out that the only reason they had any friends was my Dad, nobody bothers with her because they see her for the nasty piece of work she is.

My Uncle rang me after a holiday he had had over there with his family, he had seen the side that my Brother and I had experienced all those years before, the general thought in the my family was that I had been over reacting about the way she was, her behaviour and her. But they realised that I had been right all along. Don't do what I did, I should of just estranged myself years earlier,she made me the most nervous in some circumstances. if anybody ever says to me "Can I have a word" it makes me really scared.

She tore My Dad away from his parents, his brothers and his children but Karma is a ***** and she now has lots of time to reflect on how evil she has been. She is in the middle of France, she can't drive and I am sure has a very lonely existance as people don't want to bother with her. When I was there when he was ill, people told me how much they loved my Dad but wouldn't be interested in seeing her again.

Sometimes men are easily led, and will do anything for a quiet and easy life.

This part of your post I have highlighted is what the OP should concentrate on. No point talking to others about how awful the woman is, as she is obviously only really awful to the OP (giving the OP the benefit of the doubt here) and nobody will see it that way. It's a waste of energy and people will just think you are neurotic. Just sit back, get on with your life and let it go over you like water of a ducks back. Karma is a wonderful thing.

You can't tear away from their family somebody who doesn't want to be torn away -especially so late in life! And although I'm probably going to be flamed down for saying this, I believe that many men don't have the same attachment to their children that women have, and they also have a greater need to be looked after (and this will be done by the wife not the children), hence they will side with the wife rather than the children (and of course there are needs that only a wife can satisfy).

shouldishouldnti

An update of sorts. My dad sent an email that I received just after our conversation when he said he wanted no further contact with me. I replied only saying I presume that this had been sent before we spoke.

I today had a reply from him (or her as he cannot use the computer) saying that it is down to me but they have always enjoyed spending time with my eldest.

Rather than just ignore this I sent the following email:


'With regards to H (my daughter) the decision isnt mine. You did say to me that you would prefer no contact so I think it is unfair of you to expect me to do this. H has said to me on several occasions that she feels bad as she feels as though she is being favoured over E (maybe not those words exactly but that is her meaning).

In my opinion (and this is just the way I am feeling) if I try to say I am unhappy about something it comes across to you that I am complaining, causing trouble or as you said, making up conspiracy theories. This was not my intention, just giving my point of view. People are not always going to agree on everything, but perhaps some empathy and then just clarifying the situation from your point of view rather than severing contact would have made me feel differently. Instead from what has been said it only fortifies my feelings as being justified.

All I was wanting (and yes, from parent, expecting) was a little support and understanding. We have both lost many family members that we loved and it is a pity this didnt bring us closer together. Instead of having my family around me after losing N (my brother) I have had to get support from friends. This was the point I was trying to get across but as I said you feel it is a complaint. Maybe it was perhaps a cry for help?

Anyway, that is the way I see things. I am sure you see them differently and that is fine. It is not meant to be a complaint (opinions arent always complaints) but I am sorry you feel differently.'

So now the ball is in their court. It was very hard to write the email as I felt if I said anything negative it would be seen as a criticism but also will be damned if I am going to be seen as the one stopping contact with my daughter. He cannot have it both ways - see her yet not have contact with me as he needs to speak to me to make arrangements. And if any contact does resume they do need to know how I am feeling or it will just go back to the way it was.

Feel I am being a bit of a mug going back for more abuse but feel better that I have sent this email.

Thanks again for everyones comments

RacyRed

If there is any chance your dad might not be seeing the emails, print them out and post them to him (brown envelop marked private and confidential).

paddy's_mum

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

Since my dad remarried after my mum died (got with his now wife only 4 months after my mums death which I think is part of the problem), my relationship with my dad has been fraught to say the least. I do not get on with his wife, yet my dad cannot accept that we do not like each other. He feels that because he chose her as his wife, I should accept her

She constantly criticises me

To cut a long story short, we have not spoken for a while and my friend contacted them via email as I was having tests for cancer (which my mum died of) and stated it was a shame that my relationship with him was being sacrificed in order to keep his wife happy.

His wife replied 'thank you for letting us know about my health concerns and that she was only getting one side of the story'

basically he has said that he is tired of trying and doesnt really want any contact

I must understand that he has been married for 10 years now

In some ways I feel like I am behaving like a child (in fact know I probably am) but also know that I am feeling very hurt by my dads behaviour, and that is the bit I cant get over. My brother died earlier this year so I am his only surviving child

So really, do I back down, apologise (even though I am not completely at fault)

I first read this yesterday and I have been thinking about it ever since. I don't wish to accuse, attack or hurt you any further but I do speak as a woman who was in the exact same position as your father's wife.

With honesty and utter open-heartedness, I married a widower of several years standing. We were both so happy to be able to lean one upon the other, go forward together, take comfort in the support of marriage - but his son effectively destroyed his own relationship with his father as he could not see past his concept that his father was being disgracefully disloyal to the memory of his late mother. Along the way, of course, the son put virtually intolerable strains upon the second marriage.

Can I suggest to you that there is a great deal of loathing in your opening post. Ask yourself exactly why a four month interval so deeply offended you ...and perhaps more to the point, why can't you understand and accept that his marriage to your Mum must have been good and sustaining or else he wouldn't have wanted to repeat it. His prompt remarriage is, if only you could see it, affirmation of this.

The more I read of your difficulties, the more I keep feeling that this woman is in an impossible situation. Am I right in thinking that no matter what she did (or didn't do) you were always going to want to be Daddy's little girl and one, moreover, who held higher rank than his wife? If you did, deep in your heart, think this then it must now be clear to you that he is cleaving to his wife as is TOTALLY RIGHT!

I've been there and done that and I know that only I can give my husband those things that marriage brings. If your Dad got rid of this wife, what could you bring that she isn't able to provide? Are you willing to spend just about all your evenings peacefully knitting while he watches tv, then bathe his diabetic ulcers and put ointment into his slack, drooping, ageing eyelids and at the end of the evening, indulge in a little intimate fumbling that passes for sex?

On what basis should she have been relegated to a lesser place than beside her husband at your brother's funeral? She was not his mother but she is your father's wife and even in this laissez-faire day and age, that gives her rank, however much you may chose to deny it. As his sister, you should not be pushed aside but equally, it is for your father to decide who fits where ... and nothing you may bellyache about can alter that. It's not your choice.

I feel very sad for you that you appear (by animosity of over 10 years standing) to have boxed your Dad into a corner where he is now saying he is too tired and dispirited to deal with it all. When you say "I am not completely at fault" do you actually take on board that you are a big part of the ongoing hostility? I'd get fed up too of having to referee the battles for status of two women, both of whom I love but to only one of whom do I have obligations. You're grown up now and it's time you saw that your father has only himself and his wife to consider. I'm quite sure he loves you but have you been so consistently prickly and hostile that he can't handle the upset any more and has given up trying to be Mr Nice Guy?

How do you overcome this? Easy - back off, drop the hatred, stop putting him and his wife (I note you appear to have no complaint whatever of her standard of care of him) on the spot where he, she or they have to choose who they stand by, and do everything in your power to make peace and forge a better understanding.

I'd also add that I would have been mortally offended by the content of the email that your friend sent. If that's not moral and/or emotional blackmail, then I don't know what is, especially in light of the recent family griefs. How dare she, and you, make such a provocative statement! Read it again - "cancer" "shame" "sacrifice" - where do you get off, unless of course you know for a fact that your father is desperately unhappy with his wife, that he regrets the day that he ever laid eyes on her ... etc, etc. But, he doesn't feel like that, does he? It's only you that can't yield the place that you still perceive as belonging to your late Mum and/or yourself.

I could, of course, be wildly wrong and if you say that there is nothing whatever accurate in what I have here written, then I will stand rebuked. But I'm not so far wide of the mark, am I? Honestly?

I'm looking at this from the painful end of very unhappy and unwelcome experience and I suppose that in my heart I am begging you to see that no happiness will come from continuing to feel hostile and vitriolic towards your father and his wife. Why not take a few days to think about things and see if you can't swallow your hostility, your feelings that your mother's memory was trodden upon, and slowly feel your way to a better understanding with them?

I wish you well, truly, and would remind you that life is very short. Good luck and I do so hope that you can all find a way through this.