Different Perspective on Family Situation Please

RacyRed

JodyBPM wrote: »

Honestly, I do think that you should get on with, be civil to and accept your father's wife of 10 years. She doesn't have to become your best friend, but out of respect to your father you should be polite to her and get on with her.

But that is difficult to do when the other person involved doesn't want to play it like that. From what the OP says, that may be her situation.

The woman my father got together with after my mother's death cannot help herself but make baitchy comments about me and my sister. She is quite simply crazy with jealousy of any other female in my father's life, even his daughters, nieces, old family friends or whoever. But she has my brother wrapped round her little finger.

She targeted dad while my mother was dying, so it took some years for me to learn to be civil to her, but I eventually learned, for the sake of family relations, to do the following.

1. Never be alone with her, even for a minute.
2. Find something, anything, she and my father have to rely on me for, it makes it impossible for her to play the "what does she do for us" card.
3. Never be openly critical. Just shrug and say it would be an odd world if everyone liked everyone else, if father raises the subject.
4. When she can't contain herself and has to have a dig when others are listening, laugh gently and sympathise with her PMT, hot flushes or whatever. Offer her a cup of tea.
5. Never, ever, ever allow her to goad. It is what she wants and she will broadcast your baitchyness to all who will listen, without ever once admiting what she said/did to provoke it.

Over the years she has, from time to time, been seen for the baitch she can be and female family members are now viewed as very tolerant of her. So many outsiders have looked at her askance when she started baitching about us without reason that my father eventually HAD to to take notice and at least acknowledge it. He knows now where the blame lies for any odd bouts of nastiness and accepts that.

It helps that in my case the offending woman is as thick as 2 short planks though.

shouldishouldnti

My eldest used to go and stay with them when she was my youngests age (without me) so it is not due to me being present.

I have tried to get on with her. When we were trying to organise my brothers funeral she was doing her usual to me, and I bit my tongue and took it as it was neither the time or place. But as she got no reaction, she waited until I got home then phoned to start again. Then I gave in and gave her a reaction, said I did not like the way she spoke to me etc. She then put on the tears, said she always tried to do her best.

I was invited over to help with the arrangements but by the time I had arrived, place, time, date, hymns etc had already been chosen so felt like a spare wheel. Felt I was asked because it was the right thing to do rather than because I was wanted.

At my brothers funeral, can you believe it, there was a seating plan for the church. I was put at the end of the pew, with only my 10 year old for support. When I suggested it would be nice to sit by my dad, his wife said 'what about me, I need some support'. So I got left at the end.

I am so torn between just moving on, but then think why the hell should I let her win and me not see my dad, which is what I think she always wanted. But if I do see my dad I know I will just be setting myself up for more hurt and after the past few years (loss of my son then my brother) I just dont think I am strong enough.

The months after my brother died, all my dad kept saying was I am glad I have my wife, she has really helped. Yet no offer of support for me. My brothers girlfriend is still invited over (went on holiday with them and my daughter), etc.

Only a couple of months ago she mentioned to someone (think my daughter told me) that she was annoyed that I told my aunt on the day of their wedding that I was pregnant with my eldest. 11 years on and it is bothering her. I didnt even mean to do anything, just took the opportunity to mention it to my aunt who I didnt see very often (although I do childishly admit now that after the pain she has caused me I am glad it bothers her although this certainly wasnt my intention at the time).

So I am annoyed at her for controlling my dad (as I know she would never give up her son), I am more annoyed at him for being so spineless and not standing up to her.

I am not sure what objections he has to my 2 year old. He did tell me at the time of my pregnancy that I should terminate (this is when I found out at 5 months gone) but with one son dying at the time I didnt feel I could do this. He then said he would continue to support my eldest but not this child. Maybe he is just following through on that promise.

My eldest has now seen how upset I am, that her sister is being ignored and now doesnt want to see them. I have always said that her grandparents love her, regardless what is going on between me and them, but honestly, now I dont feel like defending them and will leave her to decide.

shouldishouldnti

RacyRed - my god, I think our dads wives may be related! They sound so similar.

My dad 'knew' this woman, whether anything had happened before my mums death or she was making a play by being the wonderful supportive friend, I will never know.

She also got on well with my brother and I have often thought maybe she was jealous of me being part of my dads life with my mum. So of course when I mentioned anything to my brother, he couldnt understand what I was saying as she was lovely to him.

The only difference is that this one has her head screwed on. Just think of Dragons Den Deborah Meaden with dark hair, and that is this woman to a tee, right down to the sneer!

Was expecting more people to say I was unreasonable so maybe I am not being oversenstive. Thank you

Mojisola

I would put up with a lot to maintain the relationship myself but I would find it hard to keep it up if my children were treated differently.

It's possible that this nastiness will now go on to affect another generation. Perhaps it's best to cut the ties to protect your children.

Teenie_D

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

I am not sure what objections he has to my 2 year old. He did tell me at the time of my pregnancy that I should terminate (this is when I found out at 5 months gone) but with one son dying at the time I didnt feel I could do this. He then said he would continue to support my eldest but not this child. Maybe he is just following through on that promise.

My eldest has now seen how upset I am, that her sister is being ignored and now doesnt want to see them. I have always said that her grandparents love her, regardless what is going on between me and them, but honestly, now I dont feel like defending them and will leave her to decide.

This would be enough for me to go tell him to stuff it. It's bad enough the way you have been treated (and to be fair we are only getting one side, not saying that your stepmother is not being a nasty cow but when you don't like someone you tend to find the bad in everything thye say and do) but to say he doesn't want to see your 2 year old is disgusting!!

I suppose the problem you will face if you do decide to walk away is how you other child will feel. She obviously has a good relationship with them so how would she feel if ties were cut? It will be difficult for her but even harder on your youngest when she gets older and understands what is going on. Not an easy decision.

elvis86

I'm going to disagree with most people and say that I would probably wash my hands of the pair of them now.

I wouldn't lose much sleep over your eldest daughter missing out on her grandfather, do you really want her spending time with people who can be so brutal as to exclude one grandchild over another? Why allow her to invest in a relationship with her grandfather only for him to end up hurting her in the future?

And how will you explain to the youngest why her grandfather doesn't take any interest in her? Sorry, but that isn't his choice to make. You're their mother, and you get to decide what's best for them, and I would argue that what's not best for your youngest, is to grown up seeing her sister have a relationship with her grandfather whilst she is excluded.

I know there are 2 sides to every story, and that being stuck between a bickering wife and daughter would be difficult. But your father sounds as much the villain in this piece as your step-mother.

Forget about them and get on with your life.

newcook

is there anyway that you and your dad (and your girls) can go out together for coffee? dont mention to your dad that you are bringing the kids, just take them but tell him it would be nice to spend some time with just him

RacyRed

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

RacyRed - my god, I think our dads wives may be related! They sound so similar.

My dad 'knew' this woman, whether anything had happened before my mums death or she was making a play by being the wonderful supportive friend, I will never know.

You have my sympathy. Even just the suspicion is an incredibly difficult thing to live with.

She also got on well with my brother and I have often thought maybe she was jealous of me being part of my dads life with my mum. So of course when I mentioned anything to my brother, he couldnt understand what I was saying as she was lovely to him.

Yup, got that T-Shirt. I was taken to task for "unnecessarily upsetting her" by mentioning my mother now and again in general conversation. I eventually asked my father and brother if they would prefer I not mention Mum at all in the new woman's presence. If so, I would not be visiting very often, as I thought pretending my mother had never existed was a bit too much to ask. Spelt out like that, they saw sense.

The only difference is that this one has her head screwed on. Just think of Dragons Den Deborah Meaden with dark hair, and that is this woman to a tee, right down to the sneer!

So you have to be even cleverer, or better still, play it a way she doesn't understand so well.

Was expecting more people to say I was unreasonable so maybe I am not being oversenstive. Thank you

No, you are not being oversensitive. It is a bloody hard situation to be in and you are so often damned if you do and damned if you dont.

That thing with your youngest sounds well out of order though. :mad:

gonzo127

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

My eldest used to go and stay with them when she was my youngests age (without me) so it is not due to me being present.

I have tried to get on with her. When we were trying to organise my brothers funeral she was doing her usual to me, and I bit my tongue and took it as it was neither the time or place. But as she got no reaction, she waited until I got home then phoned to start again. Then I gave in and gave her a reaction, said I did not like the way she spoke to me etc. She then put on the tears, said she always tried to do her best.

I was invited over to help with the arrangements but by the time I had arrived, place, time, date, hymns etc had already been chosen so felt like a spare wheel. Felt I was asked because it was the right thing to do rather than because I was wanted.

At my brothers funeral, can you believe it, there was a seating plan for the church. I was put at the end of the pew, with only my 10 year old for support. When I suggested it would be nice to sit by my dad, his wife said 'what about me, I need some support'. So I got left at the end.

I am so torn between just moving on, but then think why the hell should I let her win and me not see my dad, which is what I think she always wanted. But if I do see my dad I know I will just be setting myself up for more hurt and after the past few years (loss of my son then my brother) I just dont think I am strong enough.

The months after my brother died, all my dad kept saying was I am glad I have my wife, she has really helped. Yet no offer of support for me. My brothers girlfriend is still invited over (went on holiday with them and my daughter), etc.

Only a couple of months ago she mentioned to someone (think my daughter told me) that she was annoyed that I told my aunt on the day of their wedding that I was pregnant with my eldest. 11 years on and it is bothering her. I didnt even mean to do anything, just took the opportunity to mention it to my aunt who I didnt see very often (although I do childishly admit now that after the pain she has caused me I am glad it bothers her although this certainly wasnt my intention at the time).

So I am annoyed at her for controlling my dad (as I know she would never give up her son), I am more annoyed at him for being so spineless and not standing up to her.

I am not sure what objections he has to my 2 year old. He did tell me at the time of my pregnancy that I should terminate (this is when I found out at 5 months gone) but with one son dying at the time I didnt feel I could do this. He then said he would continue to support my eldest but not this child. Maybe he is just following through on that promise.

My eldest has now seen how upset I am, that her sister is being ignored and now doesnt want to see them. I have always said that her grandparents love her, regardless what is going on between me and them, but honestly, now I dont feel like defending them and will leave her to decide.

up until the highlighted bit i was of the mind of swallow your pride and grow yourself a thick skin to take the snide comments.

however upon reading that i would have gone mental at anyone saying that too me, especially one of my own parents,

i would probably have also asked how someone who brought me up and taught me family values, and the value of family, can have turned into such a pathetic person who can then turn their back on their child and grandchildren in such a way

shouldishouldnti

Newcook - i did ask my dad if we could still see each other, but all he said was that I had to understand that she is his wife of 11 years. Meaning its either all or nothing, cant see him without her.

When I mentioned how I felt yesterday to him about feeling excluded his reply was 'see, that is what I mean about having to walk on eggshells with you, all I get is complaining'.

So if I say nothing I have to put up with the cr*p, and if I do say something then I am just causing trouble for the sake of it.

I do appreciate you are only getting one side of the story, and I am sure hers is very different but whether I am in the right or wrong, you cannot argue with how you feel but despite trying to speak to him about it he always manages to make me feel guilty or unreasonable about the way I am feeling. If a friend had treated me this way, they wouldnt see me for dust, so I cant see why I keep coming back for more. Must be crazy!