Different Perspective on Family Situation Please

Gigglepig

What sort of things does she have a go at you for? For example when she spoke to you in your brother's funeral and later called you up?

Just playing devil's advocate, it would be interesting to her what her 'complaints' are with you.

On a side note: Of course you will put your children first, they are very young. However, after 10 years of not getting along too well it is not strange if your dad puts his long term wife ahead of an adult child they have a strained relationship with? I don't think it is fair on him to compare the relationship between yourself and your young children, with that of him and yourself. I don't know whether this is the case, but if your attitude is that your dad should put you first regardless I can see why that would not go down too well with your stepmum.

Do you think it may improve your relationship with both of them if you came across as more accepting of that as you are now a grown up, and your dad has been married a long time, his loyalty lies with her?

the_cat

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

I am not sure what objections he has to my 2 year old. He did tell me at the time of my pregnancy that I should terminate (this is when I found out at 5 months gone) but with one son dying at the time I didnt feel I could do this. He then said he would continue to support my eldest but not this child. Maybe he is just following through on that promise.
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That puts an entirely different light on things for me.

On the basis of this information, I would distance myself from him. What sort of message does it send to your younger child as she grows up if you allow her to be treated as some sort of second class citizen not worthy of her grandfathers attention? Fair enough, you could choose to swallow some bad behaviour on your own behalf, but as her mother, you owe it to her to fight her corner and shield her from such miserable, small minded behaviour

Personally, I would still want a relationship with him but would need to spell out what was and wasn't acceptable regarding the favouritism issues. If he would not budge, then even though it would hurt immensely, I would walk away for the sake of my daughter

meg72

whitewing wrote: »

If your brother died this year you and your dad are probably still at different stages of grieving, so now is not the best time to decide never to see each other again.

I have heard it said that while all death is tragic, it is very, very hard to outlive your children.

My guess is that your dad is just withdrawn, so give him some time. Don't give up, but maybe just update him on your family and don't ask of him for now.

Your Dad has experienced the absolute ultimate in emotional pain,
i.e. the loss of your Brother, he will be emotionaly kaput!

Please,if you can, put aside your resentment that he found a new wife relatively early, and rest assured that he will not be finding a replacement for you or your Brother.Do not do something you may have cause to regret here.

Best wishes

fannyanna

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

whether I am in the right or wrong, you cannot argue with how you feel but despite trying to speak to him about it he always manages to make me feel guilty or unreasonable about the way I am feeling.

In a sense what you've said is an oxymoron.

Your feelings can be right or wrong too. Most people have irrational or unreasonable feelings at some point in their life. We are all human after all.

I’m not actually saying that you’re unreasonable by the way.

I'm also confused about this bit:

I am not sure what objections he has to my 2 year old. He did tell me at the time of my pregnancy that I should terminate (this is when I found out at 5 months gone) but with one son dying at the time I didnt feel I could do this. He then said he would continue to support my eldest but not this child. Maybe he is just following through on that promise.

What reason did he provide for saying that you should terminate the pregnancy and that he would not support the child once born?

Gigglepig

I agree with the posters above it is very odd that your dad does not want to see the 2 year old.

Regarding the 2 year old, your dad has lost both his wife and son. Any chance he may be scared of more loss, and therefore of getting to know another little person?

If not, did he say why he wanted you to terminate? Did he not feel you were capable of taking care of another child practically or financially or something like that?

jackieglasgow

Meg the op has lost her own child recently too, I am sure if anyone knows how her father is feeling, she does.

newcook

was there any reason as to why he felt you shouldnt have continued with the pregnancy?

I would possibly tell him I will accept his wife so long as he is prepared to treat his grandchildren the same.

Tish_P

Grief does weird things to people - it won't be a coincidence that this is all blowing up in the aftermath of your brother's death. I am really sorry for your loss.

IMO your father is being slightly unreasonable here in that if you and his wife don't get on, he should be OK with just seeing you in her absence (provided, of course, you don't use these occasions to badmouth her or try to undermine their relationship). His behaviour toward your younger child is also unkind.

However - you can't make him be reasonable and you can't make him be kind. You just have to decide whether, for you, the downside of putting up with her is worth the upside of maintaining contact with your dad. I'd be tempted pull back a bit and keep your communications friendly but infrequent - send postcards, that kind of thing - and take it very slowly. And if you do still harbour resentment toward the wife for apearing on the scene so soon after your mum died, and you treated her badly because of that, apologise. It will probably help and it is the right thing to do even if it doesn't.

All the best in this awkward situation.

newcook

after reading Jackieglasgows post am I right in thinking then that OP’s dad has had the loss of his wife, his son and his grandson in the last decade?

OP while I feel for your loss I also feel for your dad – you never expect that you are going to outlive your children, let alone your grandchildren. Maybe this is why he is distancing himself from you/your children?

Blue_Monkey

OP could you tackle this head on with the wife? Perhaps talking this through with her once and for all would clear up some of the long-standing issues and help you both understand the other one's perspective.

By this I mean explaining all the things that upset you, what they've been and how you've felt. Next you'd need to be able to tell her what you want from the relationship and I reckon this would be the hardest part... Step families are a very complicated dynamic and I imagine both of your "roles" are clashing - ie she wanted to get on with a new life with a new husband and perhaps (rightly or wrongly) didn't want or know how to deal with his grief and at the same time you resented her and your dad for filling your mum's shoes so soon... All the while you're all having a huge amount if strain from the loss of other family members too...

I wonder if it's worth one final shot to try and get to the root of it all? From what you've written it sounds like some answers might help you assimilate your feelings more..... And if that really doesn't work, sod 'em...

Best of luck, but don't let it fester anymore either way xx