Different Perspective on Family Situation Please

MrsWoolfe

Maybe the loss of so many loved ones has caused the Dad to act like that...but then the OP has also in the last decade lost her Mother, her child and her only brother- so there are a lot of painful emotions on both sides...

I am curious as to why the Dad wanted you to end the pregnancy OP? because I am really stuggling to understand what would make someone say something like that...or even think it tbh.

I think it might be a good idea to just step back from it for now- you are bound to be hurting and whilst you are both going through it you may not be able to resolve things- I say this as someone who really struggled in the aftermath of losing my father quite suddenly and unexpectedly- I eventually realised that sometimes grief makes us react in ways we wouldn't normally- being unreasonable/mean/selfish doesn't make any of it ok- afterall I was grieving too, still am but in the end someone has to make allowances- don't get me wrong I'm still angry sometimes, but I've just stepped back and not tried to drag out the rights and wrongs of who did what/said what/when...maybe not the best way to deal with it , but it works for me...

perhaps when things are less painful, you can have a calm chat with your Dad, and tell him that you won't have your children being treated so unfairly- it's either a realtionship with both or none I think that is perfectly reasonable and as your eldest is old enough to be upset at the way her sister is being treated perhaps talk things through with her- find out how she feels and what she would like to do?

in an ideal world your Dad would stick up for you and make allowances on both sides - but that doesn't seem to be what he wants for now- you can't force him to be reasonable so step back and look after yourself and your little family for now- you've been through a hell of a lot recently so I would concentrate on you for now- later when you are feeling less hurt and angry- the time/distance from the event helps with that- maybe you can come back to it and try and sort things out...your Dad has shown you that his priority is his wife?ok not the best feeling but you in turn need to make your priority YOU and your family...

hope some of that helped somehow and sorry if I went on...it's just your posts toook me straight back to how I felt 2yrs ago...

HTH

MrsWoolfe

jetbag

This all sounds so familiar, I could almost have written it.
My Dad remarried soon after my mum died, before the wedding his wife was all very nice to us then after the wedding she turned against my sisters family and mine.

One day it was 'stepmothers' birthday so we took a card and present to her and she sat in her car on her drive whilst we chatted to my dad she stayed there until we left.

Then my middle son (at age 3) was diagnosed with leukemia and he had 3 years of treatment, Chemotherapy, Radiotherapy and a Bone Marrow Transplant, unfortunately this did not work and my son asked if he could see his grandad, I sent him a letter and he did not reply. After my son died (age 6) I phoned to tell my dad that he my son had died and to let him know of the funeral arrangements.

He came to the funeral but he never came to see or speak to me, I didn't see him but a friend told me he saw him at the back of the chapel, his wife had waited in the car for him.
After that day I decided that if he could not come to see his grandson when he had asked to see him and not even see if I was OK at my sons funeral then I did not want anything to do with this heartless man. (although it does not stop the pain of feeling rejected by a dad who was once very close to me).

Now we have moved to another county and my father has no idea where we are.

My other 2 sons soon stopped asking about their grandad. this all started 19 years ago.

make_me_wise

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

To say I am hurt and disappointed is an understatement. I did say I wanted a relationship with him and his reply is that I must understand that he has been married for 10 years now. Yet on the other hand he is quite willing to just see my daughter but not me (he doesnt want any contact with my youngest daughter who is 2, only my eldest).

So really, do I back down, apologise (even though I am not completely at fault) or just walk away? At the moment I am thinking that I need to sever all contact with them and just get on with my life with my 2 children but am worried I will regret it.

Sorry this is so long (and this is the condensed version but thought I had gone on enough!)

From what you write the relationship you have with your dad and stepmum seems to be one which is very destructive. Both to your well-being and self-esteem. Personally I would be horrified if in years to come my parents favoured one of their grandchildren over another. Why is it that your dad doesn't want any contact with your 2 year old?

You are an adult now. Not dependant on your father. Going by what you have advised he doesn't deserve you. I would walk away and only bother with those people who love and value you. Life is to short to put up with the kind of crap treatment they are dishing out to you.

shouldishouldnti

Thanks for everyones replies. In answer to the questions:

My dad thought a termination would be best as I may have had a very disabled/critically ill child to look after plus a baby. So rather than offer help/support, thought a termination would be best. I guess I always knew that my son would die and thought that this pregnancy gave me focus during the dark months ahead (I was right by the way and do see her as helping me stay sane). He also said that due to his age (just over 70) then he would be too old to help with her (though I am sure age will just be a number when his wifes son has any children - time will tell for that one).

During the less tense moments I have said to both of them that maybe we dont get on so well as we are just too alike. I am completely happy to take some of the blame as I know it is not all her fault. But it is not all mine either.

Some of the comments she has made: when I split she was giving me the talk telling me that I was selfish for splitting up with him as he didnt cheat, hit me or drink. That I should be thinking of my daughter (children have different fathers) and not myself.

Comments about the funeral, when I mentioned about a preference saying I would prefer the curtains not to be closed (only a minor thing but I saw it as such a final statement that I couldnt sit there and watch them close on my brother) I was told that would be down to my dad and my brothers girlfriend. And me I replied, oh yes, and you she said.

We were talking about who would be coming and I (apparently incorrectly) used the word invited. So I was told, oh no, you dont invite people to a funeral, that is not how it is done. OK, maybe I used the wrong word and informed should have been used, but to speak in a condescending tone in front of 7 or so people did not impress me. But I said nothing and went outside for a cigarette to calm down.

There are constant comments about how I am bringing up my daughter, unsuitable clothes, her having a mobile phone (she is 10), wanting to play with make up. All wrong. She went on holiday last year with them and I got a text saying I had packed all the wrong sort of clothes despite the telling me what I should have packed. But the text ended 'but dont worry about it, we will get over it'. But I didnt reply, just deleted or I would have said something I shouldnt have.

My best friend who is gay, she wont call him by his name, he is known as 'my special friend'.

Sometimes I think she means well but is so damn tactless. Othertimes I think she is deliberately trying to wind me up. Sometimes I can brush it off but sometimes she will just go so far and not leave it until I react. So my own fault as I should know by now but wont accept people speaking to me with such disdain.

If I do sit down with them and explain why I am feeling this way and what is bothering me, it will just be seen as me complaining. Some years ago I did write a letter (just describing how I was feeling, no criticisms) - nothing.

It would appear that unless I fully embrace this woman as my mother (hell would freeze over first) then I am not welcome.

Even though my children are young, I cannot see anytime in the future where I would not want them to be a major part of my life. They would have to do something drastic for me to cut off contact, and no way would it ever be over a man (or in his case, a woman).

I definitely think that any contact at the moment would not end well as I am feeling very bitter and angry and know I would say things just to hurt them and dont want to burn any bridges until I know I am safely on the other side and dont want to come back!

make_me_wise

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

There are constant comments about how I am bringing up my daughter, unsuitable clothes, her having a mobile phone (she is 10), wanting to play with make up. All wrong. She went on holiday last year with them and I got a text saying I had packed all the wrong sort of clothes despite the telling me what I should have packed. But the text ended 'but dont worry about it, we will get over it'. But I didnt reply, just deleted or I would have said something I shouldnt have.

My best friend who is gay, she wont call him by his name, he is known as 'my special friend'.

Sometimes I think she means well but is so damn tactless. Othertimes I think she is deliberately trying to wind me up. Sometimes I can brush it off but sometimes she will just go so far and not leave it until I react. So my own fault as I should know by now but wont accept people speaking to me with such disdain.

I think it is very clear your step-mum dislikes you and is trying to make life unbearable for you. She will do this till she gets what she wants, for you to back out of your dads life for good. Fact is she doesn't want any reminders around, that he once had a seperate life from her, and loved another woman. You are that constant reminder to her of this.

Personally I think it is a sad carry on that your dad chooses to be with such a nasty minded individual. No matter what their ages I would never choose a partner over my children. The thought of being with someone who would encourage this to happen sickens me. Your dad should have more self respect and tell her to do one.

RacyRed

Op, has your Father ever heard some of the comments she makes? I assume she ensures that he is well out of the way before starting on you?

January20

I agree with make me wise about this woman's intentions and I think it's war you can't win.

Since you said that you 10 yo dd is noticing what is happening and the different treatment of her and her little sister, in your position I would just get these people out of my life. No grand announcement, just let the relationship slip away.

I don't understand how you can let your father dictate such terms regarding his relationship with you daughters? With me it would be you treat them both the same or you don't get to see them. Simple! How can you trust them to take her on holidays with them and not poison her mind towards you? Actually, her mind is already poisoned: She is worthy of being seen but not you or her little sister. How sick is this?

I think you need to think clearly about your life and your needs and decide whether you really need this man in your life. What does he bring you apart from heartache? What does he do for you? You're a grown woman, do you really need him?

Gigglepig

Some of the comments you mention do not sound that bad? Irritating for sure, but not the sort of thing that would split up a family? I understand that she is not your favourite person, and I think it would be fine to laugh her off or point out that you disagree - but since she is close family, so you are expected to be a bit overbearing as well. She sounds a bit tactless, but doesn't seem to be a monster if you see what I mean.

Then again, sometimes tone/body language can be more upsetting than the subject matter.

I think it is more of a problem that they set a bad example for your eldest daughter by excluding/ignoring the younger one. I think I'd insist on going to see them all together rather than just sending one daughter.

shouldishouldnti

I have just spoken to my brother's girlfriend (at the time of his death) and voiced some of my concerns to her. Even then she was defending his wife so she obviously gets a different story. I also mentioned the fact that I had no support from them after my brothers death (yet she had received plenty from them so it was not as if they were too wrapped up in grief to think of others). Asked how she would have coped without the support of her parents and my dad and she said she wouldnt have been able to cope. So mentioned that I had had to get through this with only my friends, no family.

Also mentioned about the inequality of my daughters treatment by them and some of the other things that I had found hurtful.

Throughout it all she was willing to defend this woman as she sees a different person than I do.

My friends have been present when she had made a few of these comments, or have noticed the way she speaks to me. But normally the comments are snide ones made on the phone so there is witness.

Like Make Me Wise said, I have also thought before that she has a problem with me being a reminder from a previous relationship and life before her, yet she had no problems with my brother, maybe because he was so easy to get on with an impossible to get a rise from. Or possibly because he was male and she saw me as a threat being another woman in her husband's life.

In response to January20s post, I did tell him yesterday that he and his wife can get on with their lives and I will get on with mine with my children. His response - I am sorry you feel that way. That was after him saying he didnt want contact with me. Well sorry, if those 2 come as a package, then so do we. He cant and wont cherry pick my children. He may be able to have favourites but I dont.

trebor21

One suggestion is ask them to visit you in your house, this will not only put the ball in their court, but also remove his wife from her natural surroundings, and you are now starting to set the terms not her.
If she keeps refusing to visit you then your dad will have the decision to make regarding visiting on his own. But it stops you being seen as the bitter one by your dad.