Different Perspective on Family Situation Please

shouldishouldnti

Would be grateful if you could let me see this from a different perspective.

Since my dad remarried after my mum died (got with his now wife only 4 months after my mums death which I think is part of the problem), my relationship with my dad has been fraught to say the least. I do not get on with his wife, yet my dad cannot accept that we do not like each other. He feels that because he chose her as his wife, I should accept her as my step mother.

She constantly criticises me, puts me down, makes snide comments. Most of these are away from my dad so he gets me saying I am not happy and her saying I have been off with her (in retaliation to her comments).

I am often excluded from family events (my brother and her son and their partners will be invited, yet I dont get asked).

I have said this to my dad but nothing changes.

To cut a long story short, we have not spoken for a while and my friend contacted them via email as I was having tests for cancer (which my mum died of) and stated it was a shame that my relationship with him was being sacrificed in order to keep his wife happy.

His wife replied 'thank you for letting us know about my health concerns and that she was only getting one side of the story'

I spoke to my dad yesterday about these messages and basically he has said that he is tired of trying and doesnt really want any contact. So if I say how I am feeling he sees it as complaining or criticism, so if I do have a relationship with him it means I wont be able to say anything if there is something said/done.

To say I am hurt and disappointed is an understatement. I did say I wanted a relationship with him and his reply is that I must understand that he has been married for 10 years now. Yet on the other hand he is quite willing to just see my daughter but not me (he doesnt want any contact with my youngest daughter who is 2, only my eldest).

In some ways I feel like I am behaving like a child (in fact know I probably am) but also know that I am feeling very hurt by my dads behaviour, and that is the bit I cant get over. My brother died earlier this year so I am his only surviving child, yet he is willing to cut me off, whereas I would never let anyone come between me and my child.

So really, do I back down, apologise (even though I am not completely at fault) or just walk away? At the moment I am thinking that I need to sever all contact with them and just get on with my life with my 2 children but am worried I will regret it.

Sorry this is so long (and this is the condensed version but thought I had gone on enough!)

RacyRed

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

he is quite willing to just see my daughter but not me (he doesnt want any contact with my youngest daughter who is 2, only my eldest).

Why your elder daughter only? What objections can he have to a 2 y/o?

delain

RacyRed wrote: »

Why your elder daughter only? What objections can he have to a 2 y/o?

Probably the fact that 2 year olds are usually accompanied by mum!

Lotus-eater

I think it sounds as though he is acting a bit like a child tbh. Or that his wife has total control over him, or he is just too tired with arguing with his wife about it and would cut you off for an easy life.

It is hard and while I could never say to someone not to contact their Dad, it does look as though you have little choice in the matter.

_Kate__2

I have been in a sort of similar situation in where my husband family just did not like me. They would be nasty, snide, sneaky etc and it just wore me down.

I put up with it until i had children but then it continued with the kids.

Best advice is to walk away.... you can't change another person and how they treat you but you can control how they make you feel.

I can (and have) taken my fair share of carp but NO ONE does it to my children, family or not!!

CH27

You say you have always had a fraught relationship with your dad but haven't said what is at the root of that. Until you address that you won't resolve your issues.

You are allowing them to continue to hurt you so you need to decide if you can continue being hurt or if you need to walk away for the sake of your family.

JodyBPM

Honestly, I do think that you should get on with, be civil to and accept your father's wife of 10 years. She doesn't have to become your best friend, but out of respect to your father you should be polite to her and get on with her.

BitterAndTwisted

Your father's loyalties are to his wife. Perhaps that is as it should be, especially after ten years of difficulty between you. I've been in a similar situation and I made the conscious choice to bury my resentment and dislike of my father's wife for the sake of having some kind of a relationship with my dad. She's not perfect but she's turned out not to be the complete harpy I thought she was. She made my dad happy and that's all that mattered.

the_cat

Warning..... devils advocate post. This is not necessarily how I see it(don't know enough to judge), just how your dad/his wife may view things


So initially the difficulties stemmed from your dad starting a relationship with this woman before you felt it appropriate? Therefore she has always felt judged and defensive. She can't help but criticise, put you down etc because she feels she is being blamed for something not her fault and is therefore resentful. Your dad is obviously happy with her as they have been together over 10 years and it is not her fault that the timing of their relationship was 'wrong' in your grieving eyes

On every family occasion over the years there is aggro between you and this woman. Dad feels stuck between rock and hard place and after several years of hoping things would get better in time, you are no further forward. It causes stress between the two of them and desperate unhappiness for him (you are his daughter and he loves you) He therefore feels the best way forward is not to keep bashing away doing the same things and getting the same result

do you think there would be any justification in them thinking in this way?

newcook

unfortunately if you want a relationship with your dad it looks as if you will have to play nice with his wife - though play her at her own game and snide back when dads not around

I dont get why you have involved your friend to message them - really this should have been done by yourself by you visiting your dad. although your relationship isnt great Im sure he was rather upset by your friend emailing them telling him you were having tests for something that killed his wife a decade ago.

whitewing

If your brother died this year you and your dad are probably still at different stages of grieving, so now is not the best time to decide never to see each other again.

I have heard it said that while all death is tragic, it is very, very hard to outlive your children.

My guess is that your dad is just withdrawn, so give him some time. Don't give up, but maybe just update him on your family and don't ask of him for now.