Different Perspective on Family Situation Please

whitewing

I agree with a lot of your post paddy'smum, but I do think that remarrying 4 months after her mother's death is requiring a near-impossible acceptance from the daughter, and that could have been handled better by the dad and stepmother.

paddy's_mum

whitewing wrote: »

I agree with a lot of your post paddy'smum, but I do think that remarrying 4 months after her mother's death is requiring a near-impossible acceptance from the daughter, and that could have been handled better by the dad and stepmother.

Thank you, whitewing, but read the OP again. It says "got with" not married. I'm quite sure that shouldishouldnti will wish to clarify matters but I take that to mean that her father met or expressed interest in or began seeing or started courting etc.

All or any of them, of course, are the actions of a suddenly adrift and utterly bewildered
lonely man who has been cared for by a devoted woman all his adult life and just wants that warmth to continue.

I'm happy to stand corrected, of course.

The devil's in the detail, and very astute use of language, innit?! :rotfl:

whitewing

You are right paddysmum, but I don't think I really meant remarrying. I read the post more that the stepmother became such a significant part of his life that quickly that he seemed to be inaccessible to his daughter. And I think it would be hard to come to terms with.

lol, I am with you on the remark that if you have a good marriage that you may well want your DH to marry should anything happen to the spouse. My DH and I had that conversation. When I married and we were in the solicitor's doing our wills (and ensuring that his covered DS, who is not biologically his), I was nearly in tears at the thought of DH getting married again if I died. But I was only a few months in to the marriage at that point, lol!

Bennifred

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

Trebor - we were all due to have dinner at mine a few weeks after the funeral. However my dad turned up on his own. I asked why and he told me that his wife 'had given up'. Which was fine with him. Yet some years ago I suggested that it was just me and him that met, this wasnt acceptable, yet when it is her suggestion this is fine...........

So it would have been OK just seeing him (which you had suggested) -but it's no longer OK when she said the same thing? It seems to me that he just can't win. I also think that judging on the examples of her "remarks" you have given that you seem to take offence very easily!

I think there is a lot of truth in what paddysmum said. As for resenting your own father finding happiness again (not everyone will agree, but 4 months can seem a long time to some people) - well, couldn't you be pleased for him that he was no longer lonely, had someone to share his life with, to look after and support him?

I am very sorry for all your losses, OP, you are obviously very unhappy, but you can't lay all your unhappiness at the door of your father's wife. Having said all that, I do agree with other posters who have said the situation with your children being treated unequally is not acceptable. That situation is in your power to control, though. Good luck.

mountainofdebt

I really don't know what it is about men (and I don't mean this to offend anyone, its merely an observation) but in my experience when their partner of many years dies, it seems that they seem to move on emotionally more quickly then women do.

paddy's_mum

It's not just heartache or loss - it's fear, bewilderment, laziness or artful helplessness!

Most men cannot conceive of being alone without some woman seeing to the sanitary necessities of life - it's their mother who washes their streaked underwear, swills out the toilet day by day, keeps the fridge clean and wipes down the worktops.

Then they get married. Again, she does the washing up (although in fairness he may have cooked the meal) irons his clothes because he doesn't know how (my husband tried this one and was defeated only because his siter had already told me he did 2 years National Service and knew better than me how to press trousers!), is the only one who sees that there are ropes of cobwebs festooning the bathroom, makes sure there are replacement toilet rolls, opens the windows (behind him, most likely!) or to air the place.

Men - can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em ! :-)

Lotus-eater

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Then they get married. Again, she does the washing up (although in fairness he may have cooked the meal) irons his clothes because he doesn't know how (my husband tried this one and was defeated only because his siter had already told me he did 2 years National Service and knew better than me how to press trousers!), is the only one who sees that there are ropes of cobwebs festooning the bathroom, makes sure there are replacement toilet rolls, opens the windows (behind him, most likely!) or to air the place.

Yep, now if you can just learn to do it without complaining and carping about it all the time.......

This is the reason bachelors used to have housekeepers.


BTW, I disagree with the statement that men get over the death of a partner easier than women. It's down to individuals surely.

January20

shouldishouldnti wrote: »

'With regards to H (my daughter) the decision isnt mine. You did say to me that you would prefer no contact so I think it is unfair of you to expect me to do this. H has said to me on several occasions that she feels bad as she feels as though she is being favoured over E (maybe not those words exactly but that is her meaning).

Many may not agree with me, but this bit I've highlighted. The decision is yours. She is 10 FGS! surely you are the moral compass in her life?

mountainofdebt

Lotus-eater wrote: »

BTW, I disagree with the statement that men get over the death of a partner easier than women. It's down to individuals surely.

I don't mean men get over the death easier but ime, men seem to start new relationships alot quicker than women do.

Lotus-eater

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I don't mean men get over the death easier but ime, men seem to start new relationships alot quicker than women do.

Possibly because the women often have children in tow, so it's more difficult for them.

I know I've seen two members of my family just sink into death after their wife died, they had no reason to go on, no reason to find someone else.
Don't forget men typically die earlier than women, so the pool of men available to a typical widow is smaller than the amount of women searching. Therefore we could assume that it is the women who initiate the relationships with the men. Quite an assumption I agree, but maybe no more than yours.