Families, grrrr!

sparrer

Teenie_D wrote: »

I actually find that extremely insulting. I do value my family, maybe not my extended family (cousins, aunts and uncles) but my husband, children, parents, brothers and sisters, nieces etc are extremely important to me and I would do anything for them!

Personally I feel just because you have a wedding doesn't necessarily meant that all family members should automatically be invited and maybe your niece feels the same, maybe it is her decision not to invite her cousins as she feels she has nothing in common with them.

I could understand you being hurt if you hadn't been invited but can't see the big deal with your children tbh!

Then I can only apologise but my commments aren't intended to be pointed at anyone, they were a generalisation.

POPPYOSCAR

If it were my brother I would ring him up, thank him for the invitation, and explain why I was declining it.

I would them leave it up to him to organize transport for our mum.

sparrer

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I personally would be surprised if cousins' weren't invited to a family wedding but as others have said it is up to the person whose wedding it is. I could never imaging inviting an aunt without inviting her children but not all families are the same.
I do think that the OP needs to decide herself if she wants to go and if not then she can explain why but not expect that it will necessarily change anything.

Sadly it's really up to my brother who gets invited, thr bride and groom get their say of immediate family and friends but wider family etc is 'suggested' by her parents.

I don't really want to go but for my mother, I don't think I really have a choice

sparrer

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

If it were my brother I would ring him up, thank him for the invitation, and explain why I was declining it.

I would them leave it up to him to organize transport for our mum.

This is what he said he'd do when she went there for Christmas. He 'forgot' to say that no-one would be available to take her home as being Christmas they's all be having a drink (not getting drunk but just not drinking and driving). When I heard she had to pay for her own taxi I was cross, didn't say anything to him but sent her the money.

thorsoak

sparrer wrote: »

I haven't become distant from my brother through my choice. He doesn't want to strengthen bonds with me or other members of the family, I don't know why or what more I can do.

Is the forum not for everyone to share a problem and ask for an advice and ideas?

But you have had advice and ideas from other forum members - they just are not the ones you expected!

Every family has different ideas - and don't forget - your niece is marrying into ANOTHER family - so that in itself dilutes the familial pool. Personally, I would send regrets that I'm unable to attend and leave it at that. You don't want to get yourself/the family into the situation asking "why" and find that it is because X hates Y because X got drunk and said bad things about Y, etc etc etc etc....

Teenie_D

sparrer wrote: »

He does a lot right, provides a wonderful home for his family, treats them, cares for them, and obviously loves them very much.

I'm not bitter, just unhappy that he's missing out on so much that his extended family would love to offer. But, his choice I suppose, and as cte1111 said, I guess it's time to lert go and move on. It still saddens me though.

I have been thinking about this and is this not just a 'blokey' thing (no offence to men out there I know not all of you are like this but I know a lot of blokes that are )?? I know my brothers are absolutely terrible at keeping in touch with my parents and my sisters and myself but they can't see anything wrong with that...it's just them and my DH is the same. They know that they are there for them if they need us and vice versa but family don't come first in their list of priorities on a day to day basis!

If it's not this and your brother really just isn't interested in you and your family then I am sorry, as that really must hurt you. As for you going to the wedding it's a difficult one, you could go and feel awkward as you don't feel that you are really welcome, or not go and feel like you are cutting ties even moreso not an easy decision!

POPPYOSCAR

sparrer wrote: »

This is what he said he'd do when she went there for Christmas. He 'forgot' to say that no-one would be available to take her home as being Christmas they's all be having a drink (not getting drunk but just not drinking and driving). When I heard she had to pay for her own taxi I was cross, didn't say anything to him but sent her the money.

I am different to you as I would have had words with my brother if he did that.

If people are continually 'allowed' to get away with things like this then they will continue to do so. If you allow him to use you then he will.

If you do not let your brother know how you feel how will things ever change?

Torry_Quine

sparrer wrote: »

Sadly it's really up to my brother who gets invited, thr bride and groom get their say of immediate family and friends but wider family etc is 'suggested' by her parents.

I don't really want to go but for my mother, I don't think I really have a choice

I should maybe have said it's the decision of the couple being married or the person paying for it. Obviously from what you're saying they don't consider cousins are close family.

sparrer

thorsoak wrote: »

But you have had advice and ideas from other forum members - they just are not the ones you expected!

Every family has different ideas - and don't forget - your niece is marrying into ANOTHER family - so that in itself dilutes the familial pool. Personally, I would send regrets that I'm unable to attend and leave it at that. You don't want to get yourself/the family into the situation asking "why" and find that it is because X hates Y because X got drunk and said bad things about Y, etc etc etc etc....

Yes I did ask, and am very grateful for the replies, some of which have pointed out that I might have to change my way of thinking about my brother.

Fortunately no-one in the family drinks to excess or says bad things about any of the others. I certainly don't foresee anything like that happening. Thanks for your comments.

belfastgirl23

I have to say sparrer you are coming across as a bit passive aggressive here. Your comment that your brother looks down on you really rings alarm bells for me, since in my experience it's the typical call of people who have low self confidence, to feel that others are looking down on them. But you are also judging him at every turn, for how he has been with your family and for how you think he has been with your mother. My guess would be that he knows that you feel this way about him. And that this might be part of the problem. I'm not saying that he's done nothing wrong, but in any family there are two sides to every story. If you don't want to go, don't go. Don't do the martyr thing, it's not nice. If you want to pay for a taxi for your mum do so. But recognise that you are doing it for your own reasons.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear. But I keep seeing similar in sections of my own family. You want your family to accept you but you're blind to the fact that you don't accept them. And after all you were the people who moved away.

I think you somehow need to feel morally superior to your brother and his family. I don't exactly know why but this is very much the tone here.

All I'm saying is that if you feel strongly about something like this you need to look at what the issue is underneath it. It's normal enough for cousins not to be invited to each others weddings - I've never been invited to any of mine. And as people here have pointed out there are a range of practical reasons why people wouldn't do this. So you need to ask yourself why it is that you need your brother to be in the wrong? Is it a competition for your mum's affection? Is it low self confidence? Only you can answer.