Families, grrrr!

CH27

sparrer wrote: »

Indeed. He's only inviting me so I can be Mums driver. I have no objection to driving her anywhere but do object to the better-than-thou way he treats her.

To be honest from reading your posts I don't think your brother can do any right.
You seem quite bitter.

sparrer

pigpen wrote: »

My family is the be all and end all in my life.. to the point very few of us have close friends we all just hang about together.. family events are manic.. This isnt about valuing family it is about sharing a special day with people who are important in your life.. obviously your niece doesnt think your children are an integral part of their lives so havent invited them.. was the other nieces wedding 5 years ago the last time they spent any time together/attended the same event?



That sounds very rude and spiteful towards your brother! Just because he is paying doesnt mean he has any say whatsoever.. I wouldnt care who was paying there is no way I would have someone at my wedding I didn not want there.. and I would be very offended if my parents took it upon themselves to invite people I didnt want..

There sounds like a lot of sour grapes.

I wouldnt use this wedding as an occasion to rebuild your relationship with your brother.. Id have started rebuilding it a long time ago. An invitation to a wedding wouldnt make everything better.

It also sounds a little like the children have grown up and flown the nest and you are reflecting on the days when they were children and you spent a lot more time together.. OHs mum keeps doing the same that is part of getting older I think.. Do you ever host anything and invite all of them over? birthdays? Easter dinners? Christmas? BBQ just for the hell of it? Dinner just because? ... maybe this could be the first olive branch?

Is it possible he thinks you resent him for being more successful or that you are jealous of his lifestyle in some way?

I'm sorry if you feel it was rude and spiteful, but it's just the way they are. He holds the purse strings and his children go along with what he says.

I, and others in the family, have tried to pour oil on troubled waters. We've all seen each other at all the events my side of the family have had, which are many over the past 5 years.

He's not more successful, it's never even occured to me to be jealous or resentful of anything, that's just not me. Other than the one-sided relationship with my brother I'm happy, just don't understand why he has to be like he is.

POPPYOSCAR

sparrer wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Perhaps I just value family more than some.

You are not alone in how you feel.I would feel the same.

Keeping_Motivated

I think if thats how you feel then you have every right to feel that way and no one should tell you how you 'should' be feeling about it only maybe suggest different ways of looking at it and if that doesn't work one suggestion is maybe trying to speak to him calmly and openly and see if you can get to the bottom of the problem and move things forward.

Good luck whatever you decide to do, its always tricky if something like this comes up when there are some issues that haven't been aired or resolved.

sparrer

CH27 wrote: »

To be honest from reading your posts I don't think your brother can do any right.
You seem quite bitter.

He does a lot right, provides a wonderful home for his family, treats them, cares for them, and obviously loves them very much.

I'm not bitter, just unhappy that he's missing out on so much that his extended family would love to offer. But, his choice I suppose, and as cte1111 said, I guess it's time to lert go and move on. It still saddens me though.

Kira000

Just for some perspective from a recently married.... I married my DH last March, and the wedding was, in the main, paid for by myself and DH, with a few contributions from my Mum, my dad + step mum, and my now PIL. Family IS very important to me and to DH, but weddings are a very expensive thing, especially when numbers add up. I have a reasonable amount of cousins, from both sides of my parents families, which if we invited them all, would have added about 15 to the numbers. That at around £80pp+, and with a wedding of only 65 that is ALOT of extra people, which would have 9 x more than my dress cost to invite (see not a splurgey wedding!). Plus the same issue on my DH's side of the family. So, all our aunts and uncles were invited, along with the cousins who we actually do see and are closest to. With a set budget, if we had invited cousins who we hadnt seen for between 4 and 15 years (and face it, have not alot in common with now, other than blood), we would not have been able to invite our closest friends who are active parts of our lives, and who attending our wedding would have meant something to- otherwise it is pretty much strangers coming to have a meal at your expense! The aunts and uncles whose children did not come, were actually fine about the children not coming.

It felt a bit harsh, but as important as families are, weddings are about love, and sharing a special and meaningful day with people who are important to you, not for "evening up occassions owed" to parents. So thats how we had to prioritise. If we had had a bit more cash, then yes, we might have been able to invite a few more cousins, but still, some of them who we hadnt seen since before we grew up were never going to get an invite, as they are in effect strangers.

With regrds to your situation, yes it IS sad that your kids havent grown up close to each other, for whatever reason, and whoevers fault, as it is a nice thing to have good family bonds, but the fact is, they havent and they arent close, so really they have become a bit irrelevant to each other. So maybe dont be hurt and bitter about lack of invitations, but if it is really important to you, look forwards, and see if there are opportunities to re-ignite those family bonds, and then, maybe, the invites will be back on the cars again in the future. And it is possible, my mother and her older brother drifted apart when both of them had youngish families about the same age. Didnt see each other for years. When my sister and I were about 12, mum got in touch with an olive branch, and we went to visit... Zoom forward x years, and yes, those cousins are the cousins i am closest to, and were most certainly at my wedding!

K x

Teenie_D

sparrer wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies. Perhaps I just value family more than some.

I actually find that extremely insulting. I do value my family, maybe not my extended family (cousins, aunts and uncles) but my husband, children, parents, brothers and sisters, nieces etc are extremely important to me and I would do anything for them!

Personally I feel just because you have a wedding doesn't necessarily meant that all family members should automatically be invited and maybe your niece feels the same, maybe it is her decision not to invite her cousins as she feels she has nothing in common with them.

I could understand you being hurt if you hadn't been invited but can't see the big deal with your children tbh!

Torry_Quine

I personally would be surprised if cousins' weren't invited to a family wedding but as others have said it is up to the person whose wedding it is. I could never imaging inviting an aunt without inviting her children but not all families are the same.
I do think that the OP needs to decide herself if she wants to go and if not then she can explain why but not expect that it will necessarily change anything.

sparrer

Kira000 wrote: »

Just for some perspective from a recently married.... I married my DH last March, and the wedding was, in the main, paid for by myself and DH, with a few contributions from my Mum, my dad + step mum, and my now PIL. Family IS very important to me and to DH, but weddings are a very expensive thing, especially when numbers add up. I have a reasonable amount of cousins, from both sides of my parents families, which if we invited them all, would have added about 15 to the numbers. That at around £80pp+, and with a wedding of only 65 that is ALOT of extra people, which would have 9 x more than my dress to invite. Plus the same issue on my DH's side of the family. So, all our aunts and uncles were invited, along with the cousins who we actually do see and are closest to. With a set budget, if we had invited cousins who we hadnt seen for between 4 and 15 years (and face it, have not alot in common with now, other than blood), we would not have been able to invite our closest friends who are active parts of our lives, and who our wedding would have meant something to- otherwise it is pretty much strangers coming to have a meal at your expense!

It felt a bit harsh, but as important as families are, weddings are about love, and sharing a special day with people who are important to, not for "evening up occassions owed". So thats how we had to prioritise. If we had had a bit more cash, then yes, we might have been able to invite a few more cousins, but still, some of them who we hadnt seen since before we grew up were never going to get an invite, as the are in effect strangers.

With regrds to your situation, yes it IS sad that your kids havent grown up close to each other, for whatever reason, as it is a nice thing to have good family bonds, but the fact is, they havent and they arent close, so really they have become a bit irrelevant to each other. So maybe dont be hurt and bitter about lack of invitations, but if it is really important to you, look forwards, and see if there are opportunities to re-ignite those family bonds, and then, maybe, the invites will be back on the cars again in the future.

K x

Thank you Kira, I understand what you're saying and do appreciate that for many they have to watch the pennies, weddings aren't cheap! It isn't really so much about about money as an attitude but as has been pointed out, everyone is different and entitled to their own opinion whether it is family or strangers on a forum, so I have a lot to think about after everything that's been said

January20

sparrer wrote: »

Indeed. He's only inviting me so I can be Mums driver. I have no objection to driving her anywhere but do object to the better-than-thou way he treats her.

That's what I thought when I read your OP and I was going to advise you to pay for taxi and save yourself extra expense by attending a wedding where you do not feel particularly wanted!

Don't let your brother use you and don't try and force a relationship that he doesn't want. You don't need somebody who looks down on you or your kids in your life!