Would you be happy with 1 child?

Jewel_2

dizziblonde wrote: »

To add to what I said (threads like this really do rub salt into the wound of many reading this).

I was an only child for about 8-9 years, brother was, shall we say, not expected (my mother sums it up as "never believe a male gynae when he says you're infertile"). Subsequently my father walked out on us (got caught with his pants down and his sausage somewhere it shouldn't have been).

It meant that I had to take on so much responsibility as my mother fell apart (it was a very very acrimonious divorce) - that by the age of 10 I was bathing my brother, doing all his eczema medication, getting my mother out of bed and a coffee made for her (at that point she was anorexic and it was the only nutrition she got in her for most of the day), getting myself off to school, getting the bus into town on a Saturday to do the family shop by myself - I essentially lost my childhood.

Me and my brother weren't close for years - it's only recently we even have each other's mobile phone numbers. When my mum gets old and frail, I know it won't be shared responsibility around the whole family to look after her since my brother's planning on leaving the country when he gets his qualifications he's working on at the moment - it'll all fall on me anyway, like it would if I were an only child. So I'll get all the responsibility, but I lost all my childhood by being one of two - I wish I had have been an only child - I gained more strength by being just one, than I lost by being one of two - I became an avid reader, loved crafts, could entertain myself for hours with nothing more than a crisp box, some felt tips and a pritt stick, could play against two journalist parents at scrabble and semi-hold my own - I learnt that you can't always be with other people and that sometimes you need to be content (or at least comfortable) with yourself and your own thoughts for company, I learnt to love animals deeply - my cat was my confidant (and a handy foot warmer) and I think I was a much happier, free-er child than the overburdened secondary-carer I ended up becoming for the baby brother that yeah, I'd whined I wanted out of the kid-perception that what everyone else is having is what I want too - however I'd also whined that we didn't have a VHS player and that I'd never had a Pot Noodle too.

And since when did we let children dictate the bonking habits of adults anyway? That's just such a ludicrous thought to me.

You talk sooooo much sense. My daughter is nearly 12 and she has three half sibings through my ex. He thinks for some reason she enjoys spending all day every day with them when she goes to see them. She's almost become a nanny to his little kids. Of course, they love it! She doesn't though. She loves coming home. In fact, its got to the point where she's decided to go less often now, and I'm supporting her in that because she actually isn't put on this planet to do this work (and it is hard work)

I always remember my mum saying, and she still says this at 70 "you don't have a second child to look after the first, they're independent of each other" and it certainly sticks.

You're brave reading this thread by the way, I would have become bitter by now with the naivety!

dizziblonde

Jewel wrote: »

Oh and another thing, my brother hasn't got any kids and gets slated for it!

Very common. I've got a degree, a post-grad qualification, my own house and all the other tickboxes for "a decent life" but to many within my family I'm a failure in life because I cannot fulfill their two criteria for "a good kid".

a) Produce the required grandchildren when they decide I should have done
b) Make a decent cup of tea

I'm infertile/miscarry and I make lousy tea = failure as a child.

Gotta laugh at priorities - I could be out ramraiding Argos but be a decent kid if I banged out the grandbairns and cuppas.

dizziblonde

Jewel wrote: »

You're brave reading this thread by the way, I would have become bitter by now with the naivety!

Meh for some people it works out that way - decide they want to get pregnant for a September baby and fall first month they try. It's only when you fall into difficulties and start looking into things that you realise how heavily the odds are stacked against you falling pregnant in any one given month (if people haven't seen it - look up The Great Sperm Race on Channel 4's youtube if it's still on - it's a miracle anyone gets up-duffed at all really).

I find the naivety quite endearing to be honest - nostalgia for when life was simple and I was an optimist I guess.

Jewel_2

dizziblonde wrote: »

Meh for some people it works out that way - decide they want to get pregnant for a September baby and fall first month they try. It's only when you fall into difficulties and start looking into things that you realise how heavily the odds are stacked against you falling pregnant in any one given month (if people haven't seen it - look up The Great Sperm Race on Channel 4's youtube if it's still on - it's a miracle anyone gets up-duffed at all really).

I find the naivety quite endearing to be honest - nostalgia for when life was simple and I was an optimist I guess.

My situation is a bit weird. I had a baby at 30, I knew nothing about ovulation etc. I got divorced, add 12 years and now I'm 42, remarried, and my OH would like a baby, and we've probably missed the boat. Meanwhile my ex churned them out like peas with his new wife. I think it was some kind of competition or something . He constantly says that her half siblings will be the most important thing in her life, yet he hates his sister!

My brother gets sick to death of people asking him when he's going to have children. They're both 40 now. It's silly questions like "who's going to look after you when you're old".

Jewel_2

dizziblonde wrote: »

Very common. I've got a degree, a post-grad qualification, my own house and all the other tickboxes for "a decent life" but to many within my family I'm a failure in life because I cannot fulfill their two criteria for "a good kid".

a) Produce the required grandchildren when they decide I should have done
b) Make a decent cup of tea

I'm infertile/miscarry and I make lousy tea = failure as a child.

Gotta laugh at priorities - I could be out ramraiding Argos but be a decent kid if I banged out the grandbairns and cuppas.

My mum has one grandchild and all her friends say "wouldn't you prefer to have more?" Even she gets pressure!

dizziblonde

Jewel wrote: »

My brother gets sick to death of people asking him when he's going to have children. They're both 40 now. It's silly questions like "who's going to look after you when you're old".

No one will look after me when I'm old... it's the one source of utter terror for me - if I end up in one of those care homes that you see periodically exposed for abuse of the elderly - no one's going to notice or visit and that thought does make me cry and lose sleep at night.

I still think it's a very selfish reason to justify having a child though and I wouldn't do it for that reason even if I could.

dibuzz

I am an only child and hate it.
My mum decided to go to university when I started school so I had to go to her friend's before and after as her days were longer. She decided I would be fine because her friend's twins were in my class and didn't believe me when one of them made me do things I don't want to go into but I refused to go any more so had a ribbon round my neck with a key on it from the age of 8.
I have lots of cousins but all my mum was interested in was further education so never took me to see them and they stopped asking after a while so I had a very lonely childhood.
I was determined my kids would always come first and luckily I never had any trouble getting pregnant although I did lose one, she'd be 22 now but I know I am very lucky to be able to just decide to have babies when ever I wanted to. I would have found infertility very difficult to deal with and feel for those who aren't as lucky as I am.

Rebecca01

Dizzieblonde you have certainly provided food for thought.

As in most things in life, one size doesn't fit all.

lostinrates

dizziblonde wrote: »

No one will look after me when I'm old... it's the one source of utter terror for me - if I end up in one of those care homes that you see periodically exposed for abuse of the elderly - no one's going to notice or visit and that thought does make me cry and lose sleep at night.

I still think it's a very selfish reason to justify having a child though and I wouldn't do it for that reason even if I could.

Oh this I understand too. I wouldn't have a child to look after me, but you know....it would be nice to know someone sharper of mind would be looking out for me once in a while! My parents have been in the process of separating for a while now, and both want to live with dh and I....but not if the other does. The uncomfortable truce seems to be one will live with us, one near us. I wouldn't want a child to have me living with them like that necessarily....but close enough to get to me in an emergency, or something between 6-12 times a year.

I'd love to see dh be a dad, he'd be amazing and no daughter of his would have confidence issues or self doubt, but I'd still have wanted a son. We even had names for these children who never appeared.

Personally, for both of us, more than one or at most two would never have been an option...we personally feel its ''environmentally'' unsound (though understand the economic fears if the population ceases to grow). But that one little person we would have loved to tickle, and read with and coach multiplications with isn't going to join us.

I don't resent other people their children at all, but I do sometimes think people take for granted their luck in being a family.

my nieces get on well, love each other and are very close, but each shrugs and admits they would quite like to have been only children at times....dh one of three, is very close, but suffered from his brother's needs always being more important than his, me, love my sister, but can't handle her problems (like dh and his brother, my sister';s issues were always vital, even when she'd moved out there were dramas!). There are advantages to either. The thing that matters I think is a happy, functional family, regardless of how that is made up.

Mysterious1

Jewel wrote: »

My brother gets sick to death of people asking him when he's going to have children. They're both 40 now. It's silly questions like "who's going to look after you when you're old".

they wont have anyone

misty x