Do we expect too much from relationships?

globetraveller

he is only your BF not your husband. If you feel as you do at this early stage, let him go and find someone who is not going to be fed up of him. It's best for both of you.

victory

I think you can expect too much and things can get out of hand, a niggle can turn into a major relationship difficulty, it is a case often of compromising, communication, mutual understanding, tolerance and a sense of humour.

You can make a relationship as near as perfect as it can be but there will always be little things that annoys about the other but how you handle it will define whether it is a deal braker or not:D

kettlefish

Being kind and loyal to your partner would not be enough for me. I think that should be a given. The extras like humour, fancying each other, and shared values are the things which can make someone "The One" (but they still might not!!) You will meet hundreds of Mr Nice's but it does not necessarily mean they are Mr Right. If you're restless then I'd let him go and find someone who does find him 'interesting.'

Allegra

Do we expect too much from relationships ? I used to believe that most people did, yes. I could not see how living with someone else could ever be anything other than a long string of strife and compromise - and I was very happy to do that. Cue nearly 8 years of pretty much the most shambolic marriage imaginable.

And then, after years of longing to be single again, I finally threw in the towel, packed up DD and pretty much ran for my life.... And straight into another relationship.

And suddenly, without ever believing it possible, I had, without even trying, without the least effort on my part, just by virtue of being me, I had all that all those mugs that wanted the world (in my opinion) were always striving for and never attaining. Suddenly I knew for sure why people were referring to their significant others as "my other half" - because that is exactly what he is. We've been together eight years, and our life together has been extremely challenging from day one, but those challenges were never between us. I find him the most interesting person there ever was, and I believe that he feels the same about me.

So, if I read your post ten or more years ago, I'd have thought you were a fool for striving for the impossible, and would have thought that you were extremely fortunate to have the option to settle for someone who you could be comfortable with.

Reading it now, though, I think you'd be a fool to even contemplate continuing a relationship that you are thinking about in the terms of "settling for it". Make of that what you will....

victory

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layton55

I would personally never 'settle' and if the perfect guy for me never comes along then so be it. I am happy in myself and I guess that's the most important thing. I'm not looking for someone to 'complete me' but I believe there is someone out there for me who I want to share my life, beliefs and values with and suppose that's the crucial difference. I believe in the concept of 'soulmates' and 'the one'. Call me an old romantic but I think too many people settle in this day and age for various reasons...they want kids, scared of being alone....all valid reasons. But if you think about it, they're all reasons that person believes will make them happy, ultimately because they're probably not happy in themselves.

They always say you must learn to love yourself before you can love anyone else and likewise before they can truly love you and I think there is nothing truer. I know people who have 'settled' and it comes back to bite them because they wake up everyday thinking they've acheieved their 'goals' (of family, children, partner etc etc.) but ultimately don't feel that feeling of being in love.

And I'm sorry I don't buy the argument that you will eventually lose that feeling once you've been in a relationship/marriage for a while - that it's accepted that's the norm....I see old couples in their 70s/80s still holding hands walking down the street and look at each other adoringly with that glint in their eyes and that give me faith that true love is out there.

God I do sound a bit like Carrie Bradshaw! But hey, I'm an eternal optimist in this thing called love so shoot me!

FBaby

Some people expect too much, some people too little, finding the right balance is incredibly hard. When I was single and doing the dating thing, it was a real dilemma. After 4 years of feeling no man I was meeting was the 'right one', I started seriously thinking that I was just expecting too much. At the same time, I knew that there was no point in settling for less, that I just wouldn't be happy. Then I met my partner and I knew he was the one.

Yet even having been with The one for over 2 years now, I have accepted that I still needed to make compromise. Some things in our relationship are not as I'd wished, but it is ok because the rest more than makes up for it without feeling that I am settling for less. Like layton says, in the end, it is all down to feeling in love. I can at time get frustrated with OH, but I always still feel in love and attracted to him. I know that if that feeling was to go away, things would be more worrying.

victory

I agree with you wholeheartedly, if you are looking for someone 'to complete you' that is such a tall order, disappointment will follow.

My best friend and I had this discussion years ago, she said you should expect the marriage to settle, not get the butterflies, not get the wanting and yearning to see each other, not need to hold hands and 'just accept' no, no and no I said absolutely not.

I watched last night sex and the city movies 1 and 2 and it struck me as how much hard work she is:rotfl: I remember there was the scene where mr big chooses another on their engagement party carrie waits outside and asks big why not her? He answers that 'it was so hard, so difficult, she made it impossible for him to just be, that she expected too much' she effectively blew her one true love away.

layton55

victory wrote: »

I agree with you wholeheartedly, if you are looking for someone 'to complete you' that is such a tall order, disappointment will follow.

My best friend and I had this discussion years ago, she said you should expect the marriage to settle, not get the butterflies, not get the wanting and yearning to see each other, not need to hold hands and 'just accept' no, no and no I said absolutely not.

I watched last night sex and the city movies 1 and 2 and it struck me as how much hard work she is:rotfl: I remember there was the scene where mr big chooses another on their engagement party carrie waits outside and asks big why not her? He answers that 'it was so hard, so difficult, she made it impossible for him to just be, that she expected too much' she effectively blew her one true love away.

yes she is hard work! probably not the best example! but do you remember in the last series when she ends it with Alexandre and says she's looking for 'inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love'? that is one quote and a half and for that i salute her

victory

Yes I remember:D she wants the absolute world and it is hard to live up to.

In the sex and the city second movie she moans about him being settled in watching tv and wanting to be with her and share black and white movies, she says it is boring and she wants excitement and sparkle.

So, he gets dragged out and he gets chatted up, she soon marks her territory:rotfl: takes him home and then moans some more he has no sparkle, he even suggests 2 days off a week because he feels he is a disappointment to her:eek: