Do we expect too much from relationships?

Moomin21

At the risk of sounding like Carrie Bradshaw..do we expect too much from relationships??

I haven't been happy with my partner of 3 years lately, and feel it is because he's just not 'interesting' enough..I would love to have a boyfriend I can just be silly with and have a laugh with, like I do with my best friends..my boyfriend doesn't really share this 'silly' side and doesn't ever really 'let go'. My mum said I am expecting too much..he is very kind to me, loyal, loves me and would never hurt me...so should I be content with this? I know if we stayed together, settled down etc there wouldn't ever be any major issues or problems, but there wouldn't be much 'fun' when given the chance...i'm not talking big excitment like at the beggining of the relationship, but making the most of any spare time together.

I hope this makes sense!! but on a general note, doesn't anyone else think we should just settle for a 'secure' realtionship, or a relationship with someone who makes us feel 'complete' as it were...or can you have both??!!

just me having a too many thoughts maybe but would welcome any ideas or experiences people have had!

xx

Lotus-eater

Makes sense to me. You can have both, but you rarely get a person that will be exactly as you want, not perfection. I don't think you should settle, but I also don't think you should set your sights so high, you are never happy or satisfied.

Only you really know if this guy is right for you and decide before children.

Mojisola

Moomin21 wrote: »

I haven't been happy with my partner of 3 years lately, and feel it is because he's just not 'interesting' enough..I would love to have a boyfriend I can just be silly with and have a laugh with, like I do with my best friends..my boyfriend doesn't really share this 'silly' side and doesn't ever really 'let go'.

It depends on how important this is to you. If, in 30 years' time, you're still together, will part of you feel stifled and will you feel diminished through not being able to express this part of your personality?

Could you balance the good points your BF has with doing the silly stuff with friends and feel fulfilled?

Hermia

Only you can decide what is right for you. I don't think anyone is perfect and no partner can "complete" someone. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting things from other people. E.g. I'm sure there a lot of party animals with lovely non party animal partners who are quite happy to get their social fix once a week with their friends. Could you not have fun with your friends if your partner is a serious type?

I don't know whether we expect too much from relationships. I like being single and don't want kids so being in a relationship has to be considerably better than being single or why would I bother? If a woman wants marriage and children (and perhaps doesn't have many years left of fertility) she may have choose to compromise more than I would.

Lotus-eater

Hermia wrote: »

Only you can decide what is right for you. I don't think anyone is perfect and no partner can "complete" someone.

I'm sort of squirming a bit reading that, because I think mine does, we do complete each other, we are literally the other half of the person.

That's not to say we're perfect, far from it, she annoys me sometimes and I know I get on her nerves in alot of different ways

But I am better off for being with her and she is better off for being with me.

My OH doesn't really do the silly side either OP, but then she always says I have enough silliness in me for both of us, which isn't far off the truth tbh

balletshoes

"do we expect too much from relationships" -

in my opinion, every single human being has different expectations. whats in the top 5 priorities in a relationship for you might not even hit the top 10 in mine.

the trick is to be with someone who shares at least some of your top 5 . Nothing to stop you, for example, getting the "fun, silly" stuff from your friends, rather than your partner.

fannyanna

I don’t think that anyone should just settle however with any relationship there is always going to be an element of give and take and you are always going to need to compromise. But this needs to work both ways.

Unfortunately the concept of Mr (or Mrs) Perfect is just a fantasy.

fannyanna

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I'm sort of squirming a bit reading that, because I think mine does, we do complete each other, we are literally the other half of the person.

That's not to say we're perfect, far from it, she annoys me sometimes and I know I get on her nerves in alot of different ways

But I am better off for being with her and she is better off for being with me.

My OH doesn't really do the silly side either OP, but then she always says I have enough silliness in me for both of us, which isn't far off the truth tbh

Ahhhhhhhhh

Hermia

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I'm sort of squirming a bit reading that, because I think mine does, we do complete each other, we are literally the other half of the person.

That's not to say we're perfect, far from it, she annoys me sometimes and I know I get on her nerves in alot of different ways

But I am better off for being with her and she is better off for being with me.

That's lovely. I was really referring to those people who are unhappy and have no confidence who think a relationship will magically make their life complete. Or those people who feel they should get everything they need from a partner and perhaps leave a good relationship rather than accept that it's okay if their partner cannot supply something. I do think the happiest relationships are between two people who could survive alone and are complete in themselves.

Mojisola

Moomin21 wrote: »

My mum said I am expecting too much..he is very kind to me, loyal, loves me and would never hurt me.

It sounds as if you have a lovely man. For his sake, make up your mind soon so that he has a chance to find someone else to share his life with if you do break up the relationship.

Don't let it drag on for years and then hurt him by saying you don't want to stick together because he's not 'interesting' enough!

Lotus-eater

Hermia wrote: »

I do think the happiest relationships are between two people who could survive alone and are complete in themselves.

I think you're right, we could both survive easily on our own, no doubt about it (although my life would be totally uncoordinated) but together we add to each other iyswim.
Like, we're totally different in some ways, but it works, we both have the same views on most important things, I think that's important. But I'm the party animal, she's the person who sits on her own.
You don't have to enjoy everything together.