Do we expect too much from relationships?

make_me_wise

Moomin21 wrote: »

My mum said I am expecting too much..he is very kind to me, loyal, loves me and would never hurt me...so should I be content with this? I know if we stayed together, settled down etc there wouldn't ever be any major issues or problems, but there wouldn't be much 'fun' when given the chance...i'm not talking big excitment like at the beggining of the relationship, but making the most of any spare time together.

I hope this makes sense!! but on a general note, doesn't anyone else think we should just settle for a 'secure' realtionship, or a relationship with someone who makes us feel 'complete' as it were...or can you have both??!!

Its not your mum who would possibly be looking at spending the rest of her life with this bloke though is it! Its great if your partner is kind, loyal, wouldn't hurt you etc. However just settling for someone is not the ideal way to approach a long term relationship.

I agree that whoever we end up with there are always elements about a relationship that aren't perfect. Thats where communication and the ability to work together and compromise are vital traits to both have.

Only you can decide if this guy is enough. You know him best. Is he completely stuck in his ways or might he be 'fun' and let his hair down a bit if he knew how you feel. My advice is dont give up on a fundamentally good relationship till you have tried to make it perfect for you. At least if you do end up walking away you will know that it really wouldn't have worked long term and can limit any feelings of regret.

pigpen

My OH is quite sensible and serious and compared to me probably rather more grown up.. I dont care whether he acts silly I do it anyway.. it makes me giggle .. though he does get irritated with me occasionally because I will take it too far and the more he grumps the more hilarious it is.. he just despairs at times.

There is no reason you cannot be yourself.. after all if he doesnt like you after 3 years I think he might be with the wrong person lol

We have been together just over 2 years and he isnt perfect.. he needs a rocket to get him to do anything which drives me insane!!! So I think I am fine being a little bit loud and overbearing to drive him insane in return.

Sound like you have a good man.. hang on to him they are few and far between!

euronorris

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I think you're right, we could both survive easily on our own, no doubt about it (although my life would be totally uncoordinated) but together we add to each other iyswim.
Like, we're totally different in some ways, but it works, we both have the same views on most important things, I think that's important. But I'm the party animal, she's the person who sits on her own.
You don't have to enjoy everything together.

Sound just like OH and I, except I'm the more outgoing, sociable one, and he prefers quieter times.

But he is very good at calming me down and helping me see things from a different point of view, and I'm good at getting him to come out of his shell a bit and realise there is fun to be had away from the computer. :rotfl:

heretolearn_2

I think there is always a compromise, and people in the past accepted this as normal, but the whole fantasy marriage/relationship idea now where one person is everything you need and want and provides love plus security plus companionship plus fun plus plus plus plus...it's unrealistic and responsible for a lot divorces. In the past people got a lot of what they wanted from family and friends and didn't put the pressure on by expecting it ALL from one person. These days our other relationships tend to be a bit less close, so we try to up our main relationship.

This is not the same as 'settling' or accepting a bad situation or being unhappy. But if someone is 75% what you want and makes you happy, for gods sake hang on to them!

One way to look at this is to turn it around.

Are you your OH's 100% perfect in every way partner? Probably not. Are you even capable of being ANYONE's 100% perfect in any way. No. None of us are.

I put up with OH's funny ways and he puts up with mine. To someone else, those funny ways might be a positive thing, but then there would be something else entirely that THEY then didn't particularly like.

We all have those 'issues' about our OH that are like fingernails scraping down a blackboard. Just accept they have them too about you, and get on with it. Use your head as well as your heart. If someone is good for you, then they are good for you. Never mind that he goes fishing once a week, or he leaves his socks everywhere, or you wish he was more ambitious about work, ....these things don't really matter.

My other half doesn't do 'silly' either, or banter, or a lot of stuff along those lines (made him watch a monty python film the other day for the first time, stoney silence). Never mind. I still do silly myself when I'm with him, sometimes he laughs sometimes he just looks at me like I'm mad, and I do silly with other people. Silly doesn't make a relationship work or not.

Lotus-eater

There are plenty of women on here that would be happy with a loyal, loving, dependable OH, who maybe isn't into fun that much.
That doesn't mean he's right for the OH though.

One thing I have learnt, is that you can't really change someone, if he's like he is, then he will be like that forever.
But, it may be worth mentioning it to him, how you feel, he might be able to compromise a little which will make you happy.

misgrace

I do, I dont know whether I am too fussy and have high standards, but I know I expect too much, I even expect too much from friends.

Because of the way I am I expect others to be the same, feel and think same as I do, which I know that not everyone thinks or acts like me, its difficult but am trying to accept that everyone is different.

bobble_hat

I know what I want to say about this but I'm having real difficulty putting it into words. So forgive me if this is rambling.

When miserable with life I thought a relationship was exactly what I needed to make life happy again.

It took me a few awful relationships to realise that that didn't help.

I embraced life when single instead, then quite by chance met my DH, when I was absolutely not looking to get into a relationship. I was happy with me, happy with my life and meeting DH was the icing on the cake but not the cure. Embracing my own life and what I wanted from it has made me happy, I think it also made me more attractive to the right sort of person instead of the wrong sort too.

That sounds like I'm down-playing my relationship, I'm happier than I've ever been especially now I've met someone, who, though not perfect (who is?) is perfect for me. But I was really happy anyway.

So yes, I think we expect too much from relationships, you need to see them as the handbag which goes well with the shoes rather than the shoes which would complete your outfit.

Not sure if that makes any sense at all

Errata

he's just not 'interesting' enough..

OP - Why not let him off the hook so he can find someone who does find him interesting?

Alisha2008

I think if you carry on there's risk you eventually find someone that you find interesting..
I've been on a relationship with lots of missing things that I've end up finding somewhere else, and that's not good for anyone. I suppose it really depends on how important that having fun is for you.. my partner and I don't share that either, but I'm perfectly happy going out with my own friends, and I don't miss him at all, so I don't think it's a problem for us. I realize other people don't see it that way though, some of my girlfriends take pity of me cos my boyfriend doesn't go out with me.. I said I don't need him but they don't seem to believe me!

lostinrates

Like lotus eater, I'm really lucky.

BUT I'm constantly surprised how little people expect from their relationships. Then, thinking about it, I see how inflexible/poorly communicating/inassertive they are too.

I think you should expect back from a relationship whatever echos what you put in.