How to sack a bridesmaid?

Justie

she was a good friend once so it's much easier to just be straight with her. Explain that money is tight despite what she might think and that you feel as though she's taking advantage of your hospitality. That you can't afford a £500 bridesmaid's dress and that she would be expected to pay for x, y and z if she's to be your bridesmaid. Either she'll see she's been unfair and will alter her behaviour in which case the friendship may survive or she'll bow out and save you having to spell it out for her. Or if you really would prefer your sister in law to be your bridesmaid then tell her things change, you've drifted apart and whilst you'd love her to come to your wedding you'd like to ask your SiL to be your bridesmaid. Face it head on and you'll all come out of it better.

beckett110

I think you should just tell her that hubby to be has said that you can't afford to pay for the bridesmaids so she will have to pay. That way she might get the message that you arent made of money as well.

lottee

looby75 wrote:

Maybe I'm being tight but why should someone pay to be bridesmaid? If you ask someone to be part of your wedding party surly it's up to you to pay for them?

That's not saying that as in OP's case the bridesmaid gets to dictate what they want to wear etc, but I don't think a bridesmaid should be expected to pay for your wedding and what YOU want them to wear/look like.

to me it sounds as though your friend didn't have much money to spare and even tried to help you out by getting a friend to do hair for you all. why was it so important to you that your friend pay

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer regarding whether the bridesmaid pays for dress/make up etc, like I said above, isn't that what 'USUALLY' happens?

I didn't expect her to pay for MY wedding, but perhaps her makeup & nails at least? It was a family friend of mine that did the hair, nothing to do with my bridesmaid, and BTW it was meant a bit 'tongue in cheek' that I wanted her to pay! lol = laugh out loud

arnie&caseysma!

I would invite myself down for a weekend to see her and treat her in the same way she does you. While there take her to Monsoon where you can get gorgeous bridesmaids for £150 (ours from there were £125) and tell her that you have been shopping with your other bridesmaid and you have picked the frocks. Pick the one in the shop that you know she won't like and tell her its that or nothing.

Also tell her that because you are on a tight budget the other bridesmaid has offered to buy her own dress and shoes while you will still pay for hair and makeup you wondered if she would consider doing the same as you can't afford to kit out two bridesmaids from head to toe.

Ask her who she will be staying with when she comes up for the wedding because obviously she won't want to fork out for a room at the reception venue.

There are loads of ways that you can put her off. If you don't feel up to any of the above then tell her straight - she is freeloading when she comes to see you and you really can't afford to keep her doing this and have her as a bridesmaid. A real friend will understand if you tell her straight but at the end of the day the truth hurts and the 'not real' friend will turn on her heel of her own accord.

looby75

lottee wrote:

I don't think there is any right or wrong answer regarding whether the bridesmaid pays for dress/make up etc, like I said above, isn't that what 'USUALLY' happens?

I didn't expect her to pay for MY wedding, but perhaps her makeup & nails at least? It was a family friend of mine that did the hair, nothing to do with my bridesmaid, and BTW it was meant a bit 'tongue in cheek' that I wanted her to pay! lol = laugh out loud

sorry my mistake I read your post as though the hair was something your friend had arranged for you all.

victory

when you invite her to your house put on the invite 'bring a drink or three' that passes the message over that you do not appreciate her arriving empty handed and does not make a big issue of it.
As for the bridesmaid, just be honest, the distance prevents you from being able to talk to her about the 'finer details' all the time and you feel it will be better for all concerned if she had someone closer that can 'be in' the lead up to the wedding as well as the day itself.
Make it clear, very clear that you cannot afford any dress of that price,. not for yourself your H and certainly not for her to wear once-all bridesmaids are expected to pay for their own dresses, accesories etc and all the others are doing it so she would be expected to do the same....watch her RUN .............lol xxx

southernscouser

I thought it was the best mans job to 'sack' the birdesmaid?

Ivrytwr3

Tell her the wedding is on the on the 13th and get married on the 6th! (insert own dates )

sarymclary

I've got more questions than answers, unfortunately!

Firstly, how long has this person been your 'best' friend? In other words, what kind of history have you had? Supported each other for years through life's ups and downs? A school friend, a work colleague who became a good mate? In other words, how much have each of you invested in this friendship, and then how much does this person feel they mean to you?

Secondly, prior to your engagement were you still good pals? (we don't know how long your courtship has been). I only ask this because I personally did set friends aside as I invested more and more in my fiance, then husband, and when we first set up home together, and forgot how important they were to me. I regretted it, but I made up for it years later. Also, did you notice her eating you out of house and home, or did your OH point it out to you? In which case, you may be feeling guilty for her behaviour because it's upset him, and in turn are now upset with her. Spouses and friends will not always get on remember, so is he reaffirming your feelings by saying he thinks you won't see her for dust, or planting the idea in your head?

Thirdly, you don't mention whether you're paying for your own wedding outright, or if there's parental contributions. If so, and if these other people are perceived to be equally 'comfortable' financially, you might see why there is a presumption on her part.

Fourthly, you call her your 'chief' bridesmaid. Does that mean there are others? In which case, this would be seen as more of a snub I suppose, as opposed to just being relegated to plain bridesmaid.

Lastly, has your lifestyle altered considerably from how things were when you were living alone? It could well be that you have given your friend the impression that you are now living far more comfortably. Has her move to London been difficult for her financially too? Is it maybe a case that she simply doesn't have much money anymore (either, in your case)! Or maybe you seem more like the 'grown ups' to her, and she just feels like she's visiting family. Personally, I wouldn't allow my best friend to bring a thing with her when she visited, because I know she'd always return the hospitality if I visited there (although she comes here more out of convenience). If you just think a change in attitude by her would help, then you need to get across the message that you're struggling more financially than she may think.

I think you're going to find this difficult to do which ever way you try to do it. If it's more a case of feeling much closer to your S-I-L, and wanting her to share the special day with you more than this friend, then you're going to have to tell her, and sooner would be better than later. If it's more a case of resenting spending money on her, now she's turned into a 'freeloader', then perhaps all that's needed is to fully appraise her of your financial situation, and that you will be on a very tight budget, so there's a likelyhood she may have to contribute if you're to keep a bridesmaid.

As an aside, my DH was asked to be best man at a wedding of one of my 'best' friends, but they decided they didn't want to spend lots of money on everyone else having a great time, so decided to go off on their own to America to get married. They broke the news to us in a letter, which was very honest, but they did ask for us to be understanding and not allow it to jeopardise our friendship. As an aside, 5 years later this couple moved up north, and I hear from them very rarely. I've offered to visit, but there's never been an invitation (there's more going on behind the scenes in all of this on their part than mine, and I know I've done nothing to offend).

The main thing is to ask yourself why you no longer want her to be your bridesmaid the most. Is it the 'freeloading' or the fear you're losing touch? It takes two to keep a relationship going, so perhaps you going for a girl's night out in London with her is in order to keep your relationship going. All relationships need to be worked at, and you've not mentioned there being any problems between you before now. Good friends don't come along all that often in a lifetime.

Good luck, and have a wonderful wedding!

Ivrytwr3

joking aside, is this friend jealous of what you have now got, which is why she behaves the way she does.

If i took a friend out and they sat back waiting for me to the pay the bill, i would have paid my half and left, never seeing the friend again.

That is very, very rude!