How to sack a bridesmaid?

sportbeth

ts_aly2000 wrote:

Accuse her of looking at your fiance and start acting all paranoid.

That'll sort it out. Then tell her to !!!!!! off.

Ha, HA, HA, PMSL!!

r.mac_2

Gosh this is a hard one. I have just got engaged and can see such situations arising for me!!!

i suppose that you have to decide do you want her to be bridesmaid or not?

If no - then call her up and explain that you have had to make changes (use whatever reasons you feel most comfotable with - be that money, another person you are closer to etc) and that you don't require her to be present as bridesmaid - if you would still invite her to the wedding emphasise this at the time.

If yes - then decide what you will pay for (will depend on your circumstances whether you are paying or your parents in-laws etc) and be VERY straight with her. For example, Say that your budget is x, and she is welcome to chose something more expensive but will have to make up the difference and so on.

It is your day and if she is going to stress you out then do something about it sooner rather than later.

HTH

lewt

i think you just have to bite the bullet and do it mate.

sportbeth

sarymclary wrote:

I've got more questions than answers, unfortunately!

Firstly, how long has this person been your 'best' friend? In other words, what kind of history have you had? Supported each other for years through life's ups and downs? A school friend, a work colleague who became a good mate? In other words, how much have each of you invested in this friendship, and then how much does this person feel they mean to you?

Secondly, prior to your engagement were you still good pals? (we don't know how long your courtship has been). I only ask this because I personally did set friends aside as I invested more and more in my fiance, then husband, and when we first set up home together, and forgot how important they were to me. I regretted it, but I made up for it years later. Also, did you notice her eating you out of house and home, or did your OH point it out to you? In which case, you may be feeling guilty for her behaviour because it's upset him, and in turn are now upset with her. Spouses and friends will not always get on remember, so is he reaffirming your feelings by saying he thinks you won't see her for dust, or planting the idea in your head?

Thirdly, you don't mention whether you're paying for your own wedding outright, or if there's parental contributions. If so, and if these other people are perceived to be equally 'comfortable' financially, you might see why there is a presumption on her part.

Fourthly, you call her your 'chief' bridesmaid. Does that mean there are others? In which case, this would be seen as more of a snub I suppose, as opposed to just being relegated to plain bridesmaid.

Lastly, has your lifestyle altered considerably from how things were when you were living alone? It could well be that you have given your friend the impression that you are now living far more comfortably. Has her move to London been difficult for her financially too? Is it maybe a case that she simply doesn't have much money anymore (either, in your case)! Or maybe you seem more like the 'grown ups' to her, and she just feels like she's visiting family. Personally, I wouldn't allow my best friend to bring a thing with her when she visited, because I know she'd always return the hospitality if I visited there (although she comes here more out of convenience). If you just think a change in attitude by her would help, then you need to get across the message that you're struggling more financially than she may think.

I think you're going to find this difficult to do which ever way you try to do it. If it's more a case of feeling much closer to your S-I-L, and wanting her to share the special day with you more than this friend, then you're going to have to tell her, and sooner would be better than later. If it's more a case of resenting spending money on her, now she's turned into a 'freeloader', then perhaps all that's needed is to fully appraise her of your financial situation, and that you will be on a very tight budget, so there's a likelyhood she may have to contribute if you're to keep a bridesmaid.

As an aside, my DH was asked to be best man at a wedding of one of my 'best' friends, but they decided they didn't want to spend lots of money on everyone else having a great time, so decided to go off on their own to America to get married. They broke the news to us in a letter, which was very honest, but they did ask for us to be understanding and not allow it to jeopardise our friendship. As an aside, 5 years later this couple moved up north, and I hear from them very rarely. I've offered to visit, but there's never been an invitation (there's more going on behind the scenes in all of this on their part than mine, and I know I've done nothing to offend).

The main thing is to ask yourself why you no longer want her to be your bridesmaid the most. Is it the 'freeloading' or the fear you're losing touch? It takes two to keep a relationship going, so perhaps you going for a girl's night out in London with her is in order to keep your relationship going. All relationships need to be worked at, and you've not mentioned there being any problems between you before now. Good friends don't come along all that often in a lifetime.

Good luck, and have a wonderful wedding!

Quite a few good points there. In all honesty we were friends for 6 months before I met hubby to be. And the perception may be there that I have more cash now, but it's all a bit relative. Before I was a single gal who thought nothing of blowing £30 on a night out, whereas now I would save that £30 for a couple of lampshades for the house. And I guess that now there are two of us it would be percieved that we are more comfortable.

She in a way is living potentially a bit tighter now that she has moved out from home and has to pay rent.

On the flip side though, my sister in law I have known for 8 years, we went on holiday this year with them and the kids and her children are my flower girl and page boy. So it would be easier for SIL to assist me with dresses, arrangments etc.

My other half loved the friend to bits when he met her but I think that both of us have pointed out these negative points to each other.

The daft thing is that my OH would always refuse to let anyone else pay a bill out of politeness, the rude thing is that she didn't try to pay, so it's doubley stupid standards on both sides, but when you've ordered obviously more than the couple you are dining with including a large brandy and asked for an extra bottle of wine when the waiter came over without even checking if the other two diners wanted more wine, it's a bit rude not to even pretend to try and offer cash for the bill!

I do honestly think though that she will run for the hills with her £500 dress if she could get away with it. When you know people you kinda know when they have changed, and I guess I have changed a bit, but someone else I know who got married a couple of years back told me to think long and hard about who I want backing me up on the day as she made a mistake of having a fair weathered friend and has regretted it since!

sportbeth

Ivrytwr3 wrote:

joking aside, is this friend jealous of what you have now got, which is why she behaves the way she does.

If i took a friend out and they sat back waiting for me to the pay the bill, i would have paid my half and left, never seeing the friend again.

That is very, very rude!

Yep, my thoughts exactly. I used to have the same problem when I was really really skint when I lived in my flat and earnt a lot less money. But if I didn't have the cash to pay even half, I would refuse the invitation.

(she did order a lot of wine herself as well, doubley presumptive!)

Rachie_B

I think you have def answered your own Q and come to the conclusion tha tyou wont lose anything from culling this so called friend

in fact you will gain ! money

if all she does is scrounge off you and take the pi55 what exactly are YOU getting from this friendship ?!

diddly squat by the sounds of things ! you say you only see her twice a year?! so even if she did remain your CBM how many times would she cancel / try to rearrange dress fittings etc to suit HER

sheryldoc

This is the reason im having my Sisters as my Bridesmaids.. all 6 of them!

If I was the "friend" id rather you spoke to me incase I jst didnt realise I was being such a !!!!!.

ginger_nuts

when my brother got married his mate decided he was going to be best man .
His mate then told everyone he was definitely the best man .

My brother had never asked him and had no intension off asking him to be best man .In the end my brother told him he couldnt be bestman but he could be a bridesmaid .

*Louise*

Well - you only really have 2 options here:

A) Tell the Truth
You're not much of a friend to me anymore, you're a freeloader, and there is no way I am going to pay £500+ for you to be my bridesmaid.

Lie
eg. We are having to cut the budget for the wedding due to financial difficulties. My SIL has offered to buy her own dress/shoes etc as a bridesmaid, would you be willing to do the same? I understand if you aren't able to.

Mics_chick

Sorry not got time now to read whole thread so apologies if repeating anyone else.

IMO you should just tell her straight cos if she takes it badly and says she won't come to your wedding will you really be that upset about it - why worry about her considering her recent behaviour and the fact you hardly see her anyway.