The Matrix - Re-Evolution!!

thriftyscotslass

Mornin' all - surprisingly after last night's cider-fest I am in remarkably good shape - oops :D

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

Hi All

Have not had a chance to do the last two challenges but will catch up today.

(((Thrifty))) I am in exactly the same place and have been for at least 10 years :eek::mad:

My DH has depression and at times it has been very severe, I have been offered carer's groups etc and also DH has read books on depression and asked me to read them but I sold them before I could

I think the reason I have avoided it is denial, while I know a lot about how depression works and how it affects people I have never read a personal account of someone's life with depression as I think it is too close to home.

I get quite upset just thinking about it and also if I have ever spoken to someone about DH's depression I end up sobbing my heart out for hours

Anyway we were in the library last week and DH has found a book on a personal experience of depression and has asked me to read it, he did it so nicely that I feel that I should as I know he thinks I will understand it better but ................. I just know that I will get upset and end up in tears and then I have to face the reality of his illness

While I am in denial I do not have to admit to people that sometimes my life is crap and I am the one holding my family together

How do I pluck up the courage to read the book?
(I know it probably sounds pathetic because surely people pluck up the courage to do bigger things than this such as interviews, moving abroad etc but I can do all that without a backwards glance but this is just too much for me)

EE

Hey EE, have a ((hug)). I once read that living as a carer to someone with mental health problems is like living an unresolved circular grief / loss cycle ie you never quite get to acceptance as there is always something new to grieve that propels you through the cycle again.

I think you need to be kinder to yourself. It is not pathetic, you deal with what you can deal with, end of. I can only read about Aspergers and OCD in very small doses as the enormity and possible future implications of it overwhelms me. I find it tough because dd (16) and ds's peer group (19) are all going to college, uni, getting jobs, getting girlfriends / boyfriends, learning to drive, going to festivals and there is ds isolated with no real direction to his life and the likelihood is that he will remain with us never achieving independence.

I don't know if your oh is managing to work but our income halved overnight . I still struggle to accept that this is our new reality so given the enormity of the sutuation, I guess there is no surprise that that the denial protective mechanism remains active .

So be kind to yourself, you understand what you need to understand about oh's illness, no less, no more. Take care.

smcshane

Morning All,

Sat at the computer listening to Take That after a good nights sleep, at last! After a busy week at work it was needed. Trying to sort out some filing which has built up and since everyone is on a decluttering fest this is my "frog" which needs to be gone, especially as I have a wonderful decorated new study:j

I have to say that I have put my favourite TT song on "Never Foget", I always find it makes me sile inside and just the big start and chorus is uplifiting, like a good wine TT have got better with age.

Have a good day all.

Sx

Memory_Girl

Righto - experiments with chapatti flour - PART1

3 1/4 cups chapatti flour
1/4 cup linseeds (ground up in blender)
1/2 tbsp coarse salt
3/4 tbsp yeast
1 1/2 cups warm water

I'm using the no-knead method for this one - because I would like to be able to make one chapatti or one pitta bread or one pizza base at a time by storing the dough in the fridge through the week.

I think there is a thread for Artisan Bread on OS - off to have a beedle

MG

PS Linseeds are added on suggestion of Sugah - apparently I need more Omega's so she is tweaking my healthy eating plan as we speak.

Eager_Elephant

Hi All

Thanks for the comments so far - interesting that it a form of grief as sometimes I do feel that I am grieving for a life we never had - I do wonder what our life would be like if he did not have depression.
When I met DH I never knew he had depression - he says he told me but I don't think he did - not that it should have made any difference but there again it might have.

thriftyscotslass wrote: »

I don't know if your oh is managing to work but our income halved overnight . I still struggle to accept that this is our new reality so given the enormity of the sutuation, I guess there is no surprise that that the denial protective mechanism remains active .

So be kind to yourself, you understand what you need to understand about oh's illness, no less, no more. Take care.

Luckily DH has always worked except for periods of severe depression which last about 5 months and happen every 3 - 4 years.

DH does tell me though that if he were not married to me he would not work as he feels that his life would somehow be better if he could stay in bed all day.If we have arguments he threatens to quit work as he knows that it winds me up.

I am not sure him being married to me is a good thing as sometimes/most of the time I push him to do things that he would not normally do such as workng and answering the telephone/making calls.

Honestly if he was not with me I think he would have killed himself a long time ago - it is a hard thing for me to say but I do honestly believe it and have come to terms with it.

greenbee

Eager_Elephant wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl:

Have you got autocorrect on?

I found this great website all about autocorrect and when it goes wrong - I can spend hours on here and it really cheers me up.

EE

iPad...... Need to pay more attention

tenmah

EE and Bitsy I am sitting here with tears rolling down my face, as I hear every word you are saying. With me it is my daughter, who has a chronic pain condition. To see your child in pain constantly, not have a social life, struggling to work even part time (even though she has a degree) and not having a boyfriend and not going anywhere where she is likely to meet one just breaks my heart. She has a blog on her daily struggle with life that I read but always end up in tears. Why couldn't it have been me?

And then there is the flip side - the selfish me who resents that we can't live the life we should be able to live. Everything we do has to be thought about to the nth degree to ensure there is no walking involved for her, her wheelchair is accessible, she feels well enough to do what ever we are thinking about doing. Ironically we are at a point in life where we do have enough money for treats - nights away, concerts etc. but the pure logistics and hassle, plus her pain means we can't now do them. I hate myself for resenting it because she is living it daily - the pain, the fatigue etc

I had a meltdown at work the other day and could not stop crying, because I was telling some one we were buying her an electric wheelchair and felt excited about it - but then the reality hit me that this isn't something I should feel excited about. I should be waving her off each night whilst she is having a social life, I should be meeting her new boyfriends, I should be helping her to pack to enjoy girly holidays but none of this is ever going to happen.

The meltdown did slightly help at work as it made my manager realise what exactly was going on my with my daughter, which he didn't before. He is being really supportive and has advised I can have carer's special leave when I have to take her to hospital appointments etc (which are in london) which is good because I have been taking them as holidays.

But what of the future? I am only going to get older and who knows what will happen. We constantly talk about 'if only we could be in a car accident together and die quickly'. We shouldn't be even thinking these thoughts but what else can we do?

This is a link to her blog, she writes really well. http://chronicchronicles.blog.com/

Dustykitten

Tenmah, Bitzy and EE huge respect and hugs for you all. Your love for your family members shines through in your posts. I have no advice to give but hope that there is a little support for you all out there.

Greenbee - found the library book. Still in a bag DS1 had taken upstairs

DS1 room cleaned inside out and top to bottom, he has decluttered a lot, still has a good amount of paperwork to go through but the call of the golf course was too strong to finish. He has 2 days work at the golf club Monday and Tuesday which is great news and he needs the cash so happy days.

Off to do the next room before I loose momentum. No moths or signs of moths found so far.

NorthernLas

Dusty if you have any momentum left ... could I have some please?

And I echo you comment and respect and hugs for Bitzy, EE and Tenmah - you are an inspiration!

clairewop

Evening

I'm freezing

Had a good day today

greenbee

Glad you had a good day Claire. I'm shattered having done nothing but walk to the chemist for my prescription, read the paper and a couple of magazines. I have located (but not bought yet) a replacement juice extractor for my juicer, and a blind for the bathroom. I think I might also have found somewhere to quote for/do my floors, although given that the bathroom isn't finished yet I'm not sure I should be planning any major projects!

Need to organise some food as I haven't eaten properly today. My mother is no longer here to police my eating...