Council Tax arrears from ex threatening my marriage

jungle_jane

monstersmum wrote: »

i feel she wants it for the wrong reasons, she wants it on the promises of gifts and expensive holidays, not for contact, not for emotional support when she gets picked on, she doesn't come home crying for him when she's had a bad day, she doesn't give him a second thought until he rings her and promises her the world..(

perhaps she wants contact because she loves her dad?

TBH from what you have posted it doesn't sound like there is too much positive talk going on in your household about her dad from you or your husband. i could be quite wrong - but from your posts it doesn't sound that way. Kids pick up on this and its really hard for a child if they love their dad but their mum doesn't have a good word to say about him.

I am not saying that this is the case here, OP...what i am saying is that kids pick up on stuff and judging from your posts it may be the case that she has realised how you feel about her dad, how her stepdad feels about him and therefore keeps quiet about him...

monstersmum_2

SuziQ wrote: »

You have done only what you are supposed to do, you make it sound like you have done something special here-you are not being punished for doing the 'right' thing.
You split with your ex it seems for very valid reasons from what you say about him-unfortunately he hasn't become a saint just because you are apart so I have learned to expect the worst from my ex-anything better than that is then a bonus!

I haven't done what i'm supposed to do, i have done what society expects me to do.. as you state, yes, i did split with my ex for VERY valid reasons, so i feel i am been punished for doing the right thing - as always i'm the doormat as far as he is concerned and he takes every opportunity he can to walk all over me.

I know many men whose exes will not allow them to see their children for no reason at all, i know many women who will not allow their exes to see their children because they had a bad seperation, and i know me who made a promise not to be one of those women and allow my daughters father not to be one of those men x

monstersmum_2

jungle_jane wrote: »

perhaps she wants contact because she loves her dad?

TBH from what you have posted it doesn't sound like there is too much positive talk going on in your household about her dad from you or your husband. i could be quite wrong - but from your posts it doesn't sound that way. Kids pick up on this and its really hard for a child if they love their dad but their mum doesn't have a good word to say about him.

I am not saying that this is the case here, OP...what i am saying is that kids pick up on stuff and judging from your posts it may be the case that she has realised how you feel about her dad, how her stepdad feels about him and therefore keeps quiet about him...

I can not talk positively about a man i have no respect for, i prefer not to say anything about him at all when the kids are around, as my husband is out the house all week we rarely get the chance to sit and discuss her father, i refuse to talk to her father on the phone because doing so upsets me and frustrates me, he always finds a way to rub me up the wrong way and i am not the type of person who easily loses her temper but, unfortunately, my daughter has been present when we had a phone call and i swore at him, and told him exactly what i thought of him.. but he deserved it.

monstersmum_2

So peeps please tell me why i should allow my daughter to spend time with her egotistical, manipulative, self absorbed father.. is it because he is her biological father and therefore has the right to see her? is it because otherwise i would be depriving my daughter of that fatherly bond? should i continue to be a doormat.. should i allow him to dictate to me how i bring up his daughter when he isn't willing and is totally unable to do it himself? is it because she loves him (just as his other two children also did 8 years ago but he soon shoved them out the picture)? why should i allow a man who has no values, no morals and no comprehension of responsibility to reside within my life or my daughters???

balletshoes

monstersmum wrote: »

So peeps please tell me why i should allow my daughter to spend time with her egotistical, manipulative, self absorbed father.. is it because he is her biological father and therefore has the right to see her? is it because otherwise i would be depriving my daughter of that fatherly bond? should i continue to be a doormat.. should i allow him to dictate to me how i bring up his daughter when he isn't willing and is totally unable to do it himself? is it because she loves him (just as his other two children also did 7 years ago but he soon shoved them out the picture)? why should i allow a man who has no values, no morals and no comprehension of responsibility to reside within my life???

because he is her Dad, she wants to have a relationship with him, and whether you like it or not, your ex will be a part of your life for the rest of your life because of your daughter (or until he royally messes up with your daughter and she stops having a relationship with him). She will decide when that will be - thats her right. You are totally doing the right thing by her (forget whats best for your ex) by allowing her to see her Dad.

peachyprice

monstersmum wrote: »

So peeps please tell me why i should allow my daughter to spend time with her egotistical, manipulative, self absorbed father..

Because your DD stopping seeing her dad, no matter what a low life you think he is, is NOT your call, it's hers, plain and simple.

Tiddlywinks

monstersmum wrote: »

So peeps please tell me why i should allow my daughter to spend time with her egotistical, manipulative, self absorbed father.. is it because he is her biological father and therefore has the right to see her? is it because otherwise i would be depriving my daughter of that fatherly bond? should i continue to be a doormat.. should i allow him to dictate to me how i bring up his daughter when he isn't willing and is totally unable to do it himself? is it because she loves him (just as his other two children also did 8 years ago but he soon shoved them out the picture)? why should i allow a man who has no values, no morals and no comprehension of responsibility to reside within my life or my daughters???

He is her father - if you stop her seeing him then you become the villain (and rightly so).

You need to get past this bitterness - can't you see how you appear here? Deal with it or it will bring you down.

mountainofdebt

and could it be, that if you don't, you allow your daughter to build up this martyr image of her dad?

monstersmum_2

Your all quick to state that its a mothers "job" to look after their child and we all know there are bad dads out there, so why when the bad dad is still on the scene it's expected that the 'i wanna do good' mum should do good, why shouldn't i break the mould, i'm doing what is expected of me, what is seen in the eyes of society as the right thing, but why? why should i do the right thing? i know your response - for my daughter, but how will she benefit from spending time with a worthless father, yes overtime she will realise what a worthless man he is.. but i know now what a worthless man he is, i was told by a solicitor i could move, not leave any contact details and totally cut my ex off, i've been told i do not have to allow him access, i am not legally obliged to allow him access, just as he is not legally obliged to provide any financial support for his daughter.

balletshoes

If her Dad is the consistently selfish, lying, egotistical worthless excuse for humanity you are sure he is, believe me, your daughter will see that for herself, and probably not that long away.

If you stop the access between daughter and Dad, you will be blamed - it is that simple.
What others do regarding access/no access just because they feel like it/don't want to deal with the ex/ex not paying maintenance is up to them - it doesn't make it the right thing to do - and you know its not the right thing for your daughter, because bottom line is, I get the impression from your posts that your daughter does want access with her Dad at this time in her life - so thats best for her, yes? Whether that suits/benefits your ex is a secondary thing - and quite frankly you really shouldn't let that get in the way of whats the best thing for your daughter.

You keep saying you are doing what society expects of you - but don't you want to do whats best for your daughter anyway, because you're her mum and want the best for her?