Council Tax arrears from ex threatening my marriage

monstersmum_2

Its a bug bearer, i have no one else to rant to so any views are helpful lol.. and tiddlywinks i have 100 and 1 stories i could tell you all about him ;-)

monstersmum_2

cte1111 wrote: »

I really don't think you are helping Tiddlywinks. Endless sanctimonious lectures is not helping the OP deal with her situation.

Monstermum - you have my sympathy, but sadly it does sound like you are stuck with this debt. I would be mad as heck about it too. It is incredibly hard dealing with an ex who deserves nothing.

Can't imagine my husband's response if someone suggested my daughter's father stayed in our house to save on hotel bills! Think he would be ill just at the thought. Can people who have never been in this situation please give over in telling the OP to be a saintly doormat. She is a person too and deserves some peace of mind.

Thankyou cte111.. it's not easy juggling motherhood, married life and the ex all at the same time.. thankfully i am a very patient understanding person, with a good sense of humour :A

Tiddlywinks

OK - so, the office is looking at where the missed payments might be. It may be that a routine review of accounts threw up that the bill wasn't going down fast enough or something like that. In these days of budget cuts perhaps the council is trying to collect monies owed in a more aggressive manner.

In the meantime, how about writing to them and explaining the circumstances and say that you are paying as much as you can at the moment. Point out that you are paying the debt alone and that the other debtor is refusing to contribute. Provide them with his current address as well - just in case they have some sort of reciprical arrangement re debt collection (you never know as the RoI is an EU country). Giving them the full facts may make them less likely to be so full-on in their enforcement action.

Back to your ex and your "issues" - I have an ex who stuffed me good and proper with debts many years ago. I know what it's like to pay for something where you had no advantage from the original debt. But, please believe me... it feels great just to finally accept it as a fact of life (after all legal actions failed), deal with it, and move on. Dwelling on the bad stuff will eat you up and could impact on your new life. No matter how bad he gets, rise above it... find humour in it. It can be done - I can testify to that.

When your daughter is old enough she will understand what went on and will make her decisions regarding her father accordingly. All you need to ensure is that you did your best for her - and didn't use her as a weapon against your ex.

The biggest poke in the eye for your ex is for you to show him that you are over him, that he cannot annoy you and that you are super happy without him.

SuziQ

Because i have done the right thing by both my daughter and my ex (allowing him access whenever for however long he wants

You have done only what you are supposed to do, you make it sound like you have done something special here-you are not being punished for doing the 'right' thing.
You split with your ex it seems for very valid reasons from what you say about him-unfortunately he hasn't become a saint just because you are apart so I have learned to expect the worst from my ex-anything better than that is then a bonus!

Do what you need to, to clear the debt: casual work, take in ironing, ebay some stuff, boot sales-whatever it takes. It was a joint debt, however you have no choice but to clear it. I am sure your new partner would appreciate any effort you make to lessen the burden on him!

BTW, You have said ex pays no maintenance and then say he threatened not to pay maintenance unless his demands were met, which doesn't make sense.

monstersmum_2

Tiddlywinks wrote: »

OK - so, the office is looking at where the missed payments might be. It may be that a routine review of accounts threw up that the bill wasn't going down fast enough or something like that. In these days of budget cuts perhaps the council is trying to collect monies owed in a more aggressive manner.

In the meantime, how about writing to them and explaining the circumstances and say that you are paying as much as you can at the moment. Point out that you are paying the debt alone and that the other debtor is refusing to contribute. Provide them with his current address as well - just in case they have some sort of reciprical arrangement re debt collection (you never know as the RoI is an EU country). Giving them the full facts may make them less likely to be so full-on in their enforcement action.

Back to your ex and your "issues" - I have an ex who stuffed me good and proper with debts many years ago. I know what it's like to pay for something where you had no advantage from the original debt. But, please believe me... it feels great just to finally accept it as a fact of life (after all legal actions failed), deal with it, and move on. Dwelling on the bad stuff will eat you up and could impact on your new life. No matter how bad he gets, rise above it... find humour in it. It can be done - I can testify to that.

When your daughter is old enough she will understand what went on and will make her decisions regarding her father accordingly. All you need to ensure is that you did your best for her - and didn't use her as a weapon against your ex.

The biggest poke in the eye for your ex is for you to show him that you are over him, that he cannot annoy you and that you are super happy without him.

Now why couldn't you have said that at the offset :T lol i am hoping to contact the person at the office i was originally dealing with, unfortunately he was in court today when i rang, i spoke to him in January to get a statement of what was outstanding and what me and my husband had already paid as i had been advised i could go through the small claims court to get the money back but there is still no guarantee i would get what is owed if he refuses to pay.. the council already have his address but won't entertain the idea of getting the money off him because it would cost too much in court fee's etc (basically it's easier to scare monger me because i still reside in the UK and i'm bound by UK law)

As for my daughter, well what could i possibly say about her, she wants to see her dad, she wants to remain in contact with her dad, but i feel she wants it for the wrong reasons, she wants it on the promises of gifts and expensive holidays, not for contact, not for emotional support when she gets picked on, she doesn't come home crying for him when she's had a bad day, she doesn't give him a second thought until he rings her and promises her the world.. i guess i might just have to live with that and hope that she understands the values me and her stepdad teach her as opposed to the values her father forces upon her

SuziQ

Dwelling on the bad stuff will eat you up and could impact on your new life.

Totally agree with this! I like the saying:' Bitterness is like drinking poison, and expecting the other person to die'.

I had to take out a loan to pay off the debt my ex husband stuffed me with (almost 12 thousand!). Once I arranged it and started paying it, it felt like a huge weight had lifted. The day I paid the last payment (6 months early-I worked hard at that debt!) I drank Champagne. I am glad I didn't carry on fretting over it over the 5 and a half years it took to pay off-what a waste of time and energy that would have been!

OP- you are indeed fortunate to have got away from this man and to have found a new, great partner. Try to concentrate on the positives-by fretting over this and fighting with him, you are handing him back power over you. The day he sees that he no longer has the power to irritate you will be the day he sees it's pointless to try. We teach people how to treat us!

monstersmum_2

SuziQ wrote: »

BTW, You have said ex pays no maintenance and then say he threatened not to pay maintenance unless his demands were met, which doesn't make sense.

yes, he doesn't pay maintenance, i had a payment in April of 84 pound, then a payment of 86 in May, when i spoke to him in June with regards to him not been able to see our daughter during term time, he insisted he had made a payment in June which was when he also threatened to stop making future payments (it has now come to light he never had done), he insisted he had been making regular payments however i have reassurance from my bank that no payments have been made and he has now admitted he didn't make any payments.

balletshoes

monstersmum wrote: »

As for my daughter, well what could i possibly say about her, she wants to see her dad, she wants to remain in contact with her dad, but i feel she wants it for the wrong reasons, she wants it on the promises of gifts and expensive holidays, not for contact, not for emotional support when she gets picked on, she doesn't come home crying for him when she's had a bad day, she doesn't give him a second thought until he rings her and promises her the world.. i guess i might just have to live with that and hope that she understands the values me and her stepdad teach her as opposed to the values her father forces upon her

your daughter will see straight through her Dad when it counts, and she'll know its your home where she has the emotional support she needs .

Tiddlywinks

monstersmum wrote: »

Now why couldn't you have said that at the offset :T lol

Because I wanted to see just how many stories you had and when you'd run out of breath....:p

monstersmum wrote: »

Now
As for my daughter..... she wants it on the promises of gifts and expensive holidays, not for contact, not for emotional support ......she doesn't give him a second thought until he rings her and promises her the world.. i guess i might just have to live with that and hope that she understands the values me and her stepdad teach her as opposed to the values her father forces upon her

Even good, well adjusted kids can get quite good at playing parents off against each other. This could be an advantage sometimes - if she needs a laptop etc maybe her dad can help out and save you some money. When she gets shiny new stuff from her dad, don't see it as him showing off (you know deep down he is just easing his conscience) just respond with a few "wow, that's really great" kind of remarks and look interested and pleased for her. When they both don't get the reaction that they expected then the game won't be as enjoyable.

Smiling and appearing cheerful will unsettle and annoy your ex far more than anything else - and it might even be fun to mess with his head!

monstersmum_2

I hope she does Balletshoes, i spent five years allowing myself to be manipulated by him, i put up with the belittlements and the emotional and mental abuse, and even now i find myself still effected by it because i have to involve him in my daughters life.