MSE Parent Club

Sarahsaver

He's a heavy smoker and drinker which is where a lot of it goes. As I'm responsible for finances, I pay the mortgage, utility bills, insurances, groceries, home repairs, childrens costs like clothes and afterschool clubs, etc. I also have a car and mobile. By the time I pay for all of that, there's never anything left for spending on me. I get jealous that he can afford to spend a lot more on himself than I can and it doesn't seem fair. I hope I don't sound selfish, but I'd just like a few new clothes and stuff as I'm bored with wearing the same tatty stuff week in, week out, but I can never afford to buy anything decent.
Becles love, you should not feel guilty. You are not selfish at all.
it is as I thought there is more to this than at first met the eye. The heavy drinking/smoking would worry me and it must worry you too. I have been in precisely the same position ex oh had a well paid job but spent his dough on dope and computers and beer.
Please feel free to PM me and I will give you my MSN details;)

Dormouse

Agutka wrote: »

I am so sure we had discussed said marg tubs here somewhere before and they turned out to be for washing your own bits... something about pouring warm water on tender areas as you use the loo so it doesn't sting...

Coming out soon, the new NHS publication, "99 uses for a marg tub for postnatal women" :rotfl:

JoJoArmani

Hi Becles -

I understand how you feel - I also wear the same tatty stuff!

My Oh gets pocket money for him to spend on himself - the rest goes via STO from his wage to my account to cover the bills/mortgage etc as soon as he gets paid.

I'm sorry but you OH sounds very selfish - you are not selfish at all you just want a bit of eqaulity and that is the very least you deserve!

I also feel down as I too don't have friends as such to chat to and I know being a Mummy can turn you from a confident woman to a scruf bag with no social life (thats how I feel!). But your OH needs to shape up and help.

I know that thing about crumbs - my oh is the same - and they clothes - never thinks to put the laundry away - until I had a massive go at him and he put it all away the other day.

I take it your baby is your oh's? If so you need to tell him straight - get his priorities right. He needs to pool his money with yours and both of you have "pocket money" for your own to spend after all the bills/housekeeping etc. Currently is sounds like he treats you like his mother and that he is just the teenage son chucking a bit of board money your way.

I hope I haven't spoken out of turn. And I know everything is easier said than done. But you are obviously not happy and he needs to be told.... it might make a diff it might not but then I suppose you have to decide where your life is going and what this man can offer you cos it sounds like he offers nothing much at the moment?

The nurse may be able to help you and be someone to talk to and you may feel better in time and find the whole situation was not as bad as it seems now......

Hugs>>>

Curious_George_2

sorry to butt in (get him told beccles!)
but Danny got the all clear yesterday :j :j :j

they tested him for everything and found nothing, they even looked for all sorts of allergies and couldnt find a thing, all his organs are working exactly as they should be and there is no obstruction in his stomach...
he obviously just likes making a huge row when he is having a poo!
the consultant said theres a very good chance that whatever was troubling him has gone as he got older (4 months today!)
and that we should start to wean him... get him on less milk, more food and he should be fine.

so today he had his first taste of baby rice, was expecting him to swill it around and spit it out the way they do... but no
he finished the lot!
wolfed it down like he had done it hundreds of times!

we are SO happy!

daphne_descends

Glad Danny is okay CG :T

Becles :grouphug: sorry you are having such a rough time of it lately. You really need to put your foot down with some of this - it is not fair and you do not need to take it. I do believe that men will get away with things as long as we let them. We all have pet hates and it is much easier to turn a blind eye to these things when there aren't a million and one other things, too. I hate the crumbs-on-the-side thing. I also get annoyed at the dishcloth being left in a sink full of water. On a bad day that can be enough for me to want to chop off his balls and on a good day, I can ignore them completely.

YOU deserve a lay in once a week as much as your husband does. What about letting you sleep in on a Sunday, and him having a lay in on his other day off? Please ask him to explain why exactly you don't get a break and he does. I bet he can't. Money should be 50/50 but you're already in this situation so I don't know how I would go about changing things if you feel that you can't demand a joint account for example. But if he has money to spend on fags and booze then you can afford a cleaner, or a handyman for a few hours to do the jobs that he won't - could you threaten this? I know if I told DP that another man was going to come and fix the toilet etc he'd soon pull his finger out, threat is a funny thing to a man... what if you said, 'you haven't sorted out XYZ so I'm working a few extra hours to pay someone else to do it' or that you will use savings/borrow money - go down a shock-tactic route?

What about getting a few bits for yourself from Ebay or a charity shop? What size/height are you? I have a fair few things that I'm never going to fit into as long as I'm breastfeeding and would gladly send your way if any good. Or what about getting your hair done at a local college where they charge peanuts for it because they're trainees. I feel quite annoyed on your behalf. Men really are !!!! sometimes. Don't I know it. <waits for a chorus of 'hear hear!'>

SusanCarter

Becles :grouphug:

I'm lucky that my OH helps out a lot so we both get to have a break together in the evening but he is terrible for doing little things like crumbs on the worktop which you described. Men just don't have the same standards as women do for these things. Before I knew him OH lodged with a friend and they spent two winters with no heating (they had to boil pans on the stove to wash), a hole in the flor of the living room, and a cardboard box with a net curtain on as a table (which they were apparently quite proud of). It wasn't that his friend couldn't afford to get things fixed (he did once he got married) but they just weren't high on their list of priorities.

Can you get OH to do things like bath time or bedtime stories? That is what my OH does when he gets in from work because if he didn't do these things then he wouldn't egt to spend time with Alice.

Got to go feed ALice, will write more later...

sarahh112

Hi

If its any concellation to you.

My mother tells the story of when I was found eating 'chocolate' while sat in the playpen. Needless to say it wasn't chocolate and it was of my own making. :eek: (I was about 14 months old at the time).

32 years on and I am still in one piece so it can't have affected me too much.

I'm sure everything will be ok and you will be embarrasing your poor child in years to come recounting the story:rotfl: like my mum does to me.

sarahh112

Men can be complete ar*es can't they.

I know with mine its not intentional.

I think their brains are just wired differently and don't think about things the way we do. Perhaps he doesn't realise how you feel (mine was completely clueless until I spelt it out in tiny words he could understand). I think they are just a bit thoughtless and tactless at times.

Chin up - talk to him - he may just be clueless!

SusanCarter

Also, perhaps if your mum is looking after Charlotte, he just thinks you've replaced looking after Charlotte with work and doesn't realise that you're actually doing extra work relative to before. Perhaps you could talk to him and explain that you used to be able to do stuff while looking after Charlotte (e.g. cooking, cleaning etc.) whereas you can't do these things at the same time as your s/e work so you are doing x hours extra a week and really need him to be doing x/2 extra hours of stuff to even it out.

On the finances it's probably difficult to change things now they're established but the way we have thigns set up is that all the money goes into one account (a joint account but I manage the finances) and then we each have a monthly standing order paid into a personal account for stuff which we don't get with the joint account. OH buys beer, wine, crisps and biscuits with his and I buy books, stamps, coins etc basically things which are personally for one of us and are a luxury which the other wouldn't want/benefit from. Personal money is also what we use for buying each other presents. Neither of us particularly spends a lot on mobile phone, clothes etc so they just go from the joint account but if we did then we'd have set a higher standing order and done those as "personal" too. DOn't know whather that's any use but hope it's helpful.

[Deleted User]

Becles you have my sympathy, I know what its like to have a full day and never feel you have any me time. Sorry I dont know what else to say than what has already been said, but I do understand how you feel, your not alone in the fact the day just always seems to be chores and responsibility.

To update you all, things have got worse in our household. I've had to move molly onto bottles, not because I couldn't feed her but it was taking too long and I was getting so tired and losing a lot of weight again. This way at least other people can feed her for me, so I can concrete a bit more on Jack. Also I hit the wall on Thursday night with my PND. I woke at 1am and couldn't get back to sleep for the rest of teh night. Iwas like a walking zombi, felt so anxious but couldn't sleep, couldn't eat cos I was so tired, felt shakey as I hadn't eaten and so it went around in circles. I was also getting suidical thoughts and my anxiety levels were the highest I've ever known them. I said to Ian I feel like I am going crazy, I feel so out of control. I was scared of myself. I also find it hard to be anywhere near Molly and have totally withdrawn from her.

I have been put on AD's and the Crisis team have become involved so I am getting lots of help. Ian has had to take over Molly's care and I'm looking after Jack. Mum and Dad are away this weekend but they will help once back. To top it all off Molly now has oral thrush and has a brilliant white tongue and mouth. I'm also on thrush cream for my breasts in case I have residue on me from when I was feeding her.

I feel so guilty that I can't do anything with Molly, poor Ian must be getting tired as he's doing all her feedings (night too) and nappy changing etc and I'm sorting Jack out. I've also been prescribed sleep tablets so I can get some quality sleep which hopefully will reduce my anxiety and allow me to become more focused again.

I feel a failure and a crap mum for rejecting my newborn and a crap wife for dumping this on Ian. I am so tired, I can't see the end to all this.

The crisis team are going to get Ian a sick note to get him another week off work to support me as he paternity leave ends on Tuesday. We hope this will help.

Thanks for listening, sorry its a downer post.